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Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
If your life were a game of pinball, all the flashing lights would be going off this week. Good job, Capricorn! This weekend also sets that stage for you to start the year off with a bang. Your explosive love life will set off car alarms in neighboring zip codes, you lucky bastard, you. |
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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Leave no stone unturned, no bar un-hopped, no stranger unbothered! Start this year off right, Aquarius — drown that water sign in alcohol and hit the town to find what you've been looking for. With Jupiter entering Aquarius on Monday, the universe is begging to give you whatever you seek. Go for more than just good happy hour prices (though those never hurt). |
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Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Pisces. Plenty of people are stressed out, but remember, you've got magic booty-shaking abilities to dance away the worries. Even if you do it in your bedroom in the middle of the night, it still works. If someone's there with you, it works even better. . .
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Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
2008 wasn't all bad, baby. Barack Obama won, Anne Hathaway's single, and last week's new moon is still casting all kinds of lovely light on your career prospects. Not only that: its glow goes so well with your skin tone! Even very attractive celebrities will dream about you and wake up hot and bothered. Hopefully you'll run into them at Starbucks the next morning. |
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Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
This week, Jupiter begins a year-long arc in your house of career and fame. You're already the sort who keeps his or her nose to the grindstone, but this year all your hard work will be recognized and rewarded. If you're really good, accolades will extend from the boardroom to the bedroom. |
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Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
When the world is big and cold and scary, just remember to take pleasure in the little things. They'll ground and calm you, especially as you transition from one year to the next. For example: luxurious bubble baths, friendly dogs, and dancing naked next to the one radiator can work wonders. If your blinds are open, you might even make new friends. . . |
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Cancer (June 21-July 21)
There are many ways to be a rock star, Cancer. Some of them are imaginary: if you've become a little too obsessed with Guitar Hero (or Rock Band), then it's time to put down that fake mic and pick up a real one. The planets predict you'll find loving fans wherever you go; so get out of your parents' basement and try an acoustic cover of your favorite Wham! song down at the local coffee house. |
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Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
You're craving sunlight and warmer climes, with a mantra like this running through your mind: Mango + nudity + sunlight on a hardwood floor = perfection. However, winter is dark and cold, and mangoes are scarce. We advise that you improvise. Chocolate molten cake + warm bodies = near-perfection. |
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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Jupiter is your organizational friend this week, Virgo. Sure, you're already pretty nigh near perfect on the organizational forefront, but if you can believe it, the stars will catapult you to new, anal-retentive heights this year. This means less stress, and more time to organize fun adventures for you and your friend. Four words: Nude Indoor Winter Olympics. (Think of the possibilities!) |
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Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
This year rings in renewed hope for peace and change, but sometimes you need to fight a little to rouse your spirits and show you what you're made of. Stolen parking spaces, getting cut in line — a good old-fashioned punch-up is the American Way. Your new bravura will also extend to feistiness between the sheets. Just make sure to ask permission before you engage in any sexual act that involves the word "punch." |
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Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
The new year stretches before you like a blank sheet of paper: pristine, pure, and full of possibilities. Now (in the eternal words of Bill Watterson): go exploring! If you're truly adventurous this weekend, you may find booty to plunder, either of the monetary or baby-got-back variety. If you're really lucky — both!
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Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The stars say you'll find new and inspiring ways to live frugally in ‘09. Our advice: You can make cheap Irish Coffee by carrying a flask and frequenting a bodega. You can have cheap sex by being witty and gorgeous. Just don't be cheap with your affections afterwards (though flowers, chocolates and more alcohol don't hurt either). |
