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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Mars will be shacking up in your fifth house on the 18th, which means things are about to get a whole lot friskier. The power of your positive aura will be attracting everyone from that hottie at the bar to your neighbor's nasty Chihuahua, so wipe that demure expression off your face and jump right into whatever gets tossed your way — cell numbers, email addresses, whips, chains . . . the possibilities are endless.
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Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Not gonna lie, my friend: with the full moon looming on the 20th and this month's second eclipse on the same night, things are totally going to suck for you this week. Whether it's that complicated relationship you just can't shake, your rude boss or a family feud, the shit is definitely about to hit to fan. On the upside, you'll be better off once that cord is cut. Keep your head up champ — there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
With Mars' close proximity to the sun when the eclipse arrives on the 20th, you'll feel restless. Plan a little trip this weekend, preferably somewhere you've never been. What better way to harness all that energy than by exploring uncharted territory? Of course, you don't have to go any farther than your bedroom for that. Still, make an effort to get out.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Stock up on Kleenex and Netflix early in the week, you poor dear soul. No matter how sharp your horns, the emotional storm that's about to blow through your life is going to be a tough one to weather. Rent something starring Sally Field and hunker down till it passes. Things are going to get worse before they get better, but after that, they'll feel divine.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
You've been quite the dreamer lately, haven't you? While communing with the muses has been great for your creativity, don't get too comfortable with your proverbial paint brush. With Mercury coming out of retrograde on the 17th you can expect a shift this week (perhaps the evil Gemini twin rearing its ugly head). Don't worry, you can control this turbulence, and maybe even use it to your advantage. Ever been to a sex club? Entertained your secret trampling fetish? Ride the rough air for all it's worth.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
This may sound impossible, but try not to spend too much money this week. Walking to work will help you get in shape, and yes, you can live on Bisquick and refried beans for several days. Or you could "forget" your wallet when the check arrives and tell your date you'll get the next round if they get this one . . . then casually run away. If this all seems overwhelming, shack up with your sweetie and call in sick.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
It's love, love, love for you this week, you charisma-crammed cat of the jungle. Lucky for you, cupid didn't drop you like a bad habit after Valentine's Day, and his arrows continue to fly your way, completely drowning out the negative energy flowing to all the other signs from that eclipse on the 20th. Instead, the stars will shower you with kisses and compassion, making it a perfect time to make a full-blown commitment to that special someone. We know you can only thrive with constant admiration — what better way to guarantee a constant supply?
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
The Godfather trilogy, Gilgamesh, the occasional foray into fantasy metal — you like epic stuff, as a rule. But this week, the dragon's going to be slaying you, dear Virgo. Leading up to the lunar eclipse on the 20th, you're going to feel a dark and foreboding shadow of panic passing over the mighty kingdom that has been your life. But mixed metaphors aside, this is going to be a rough week, so decide what's worth keeping, what's worth losing, and whether you actually want to keep that sexy elf by your side.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
If relationship stuff hasn't exactly been on your mind lately, that's understandable. But with Mercury passing out of retrograde at the beginning of the week, some stress is going to be taken off of your shoulders. You can devote more time to figuring out exactly what you want — not simply scraping by and trying not to fall. Think big to be big.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You've always had a naughty, Secretary-esque office fantasy, but if you're thinking of pursuing it, I'd hold off another week. Business dealings will be on the shady side, so double-check all documents and think twice before committing to something you've not gotten a full explanation of. The last thing you need is some sketchy, copy-room tryst to put all of you hard work in jeopardy and your raw talents to waste.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
January was one treacherous shitstorm for you, Sag. But with last week's solar eclipse, everything will be coming up Milhouse. In herky-jerky astro-speak, solar eclipses are the equivalent of zodiac heroin. As such, this week, a new stranger may nip your buds. The mysterious figure across the room? Fear not. It's a kind face, coupled with genitals free from the shackles of gonorrhea.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Mrs. Hil's economic-stimulus plan doesn't mean jack to you, Caps. Your checkbook has been feeling a little light for years, and until Mercury returns to retrograde, things will only get worse. For love lines, try taking your date to Taco Bell instead of the swanky Senor Sanchez down the block. You're in a holding period until February 20.
