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Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
With all the vigor of a salmon swimming upstream, you've been riding high on the energy and action that shuffled in with Mars last week. Let your creative side take over, indulge kinks, paint the town mauve — but don't ignore the body that got you there. Take a few days off this week and shack up with some movies and snacks, and ask a sexy friend to snuggle up.
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Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Through this week's haze of watery green beer, you'll reevaluate some of your choices, from the fake Irishman you smooched outside the bodega, to the drinks you know you can't afford. You've always been impulsive, but just because you're the baby of the astrological chart doesn't mean the universe is going to bail you out forever. Plus, there's something undeniably hot about people who've got their shit together — take a page from the type-A handbook, and get cracking.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Don't be surprised if a few Craigslist "missed connections" sound awfully familiar this week. You're just oozing charm, but you're too preoccupied with work to notice the hordes of admirers drooling in your wake. It wouldn't hurt to look up and flirt every now and then, especially toward the end of the month, when you'll get the sudden urge to shake that thang. All those admirers will thank you for it.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
You don't need falling pianos or strategically placed banana peels to let you know that March is set to play you for a chump. But even though this week's full moon means the universe is pulling shenanigans, be brave little twinsie, because the rest of this month will go long in the love department. If your relationship feels like a damsel tied to the tracks of an oncoming train, you'll have to decide whether to swoop in and save it, or deviously twiddle your moustache as it gets smooshed like a penny.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Hotcha! Now that Mars is back in action and Mercury's finally out of retrograde, it seems you're hustling every day. In addition to getting your paper straight, from now till the fifth of April, you're going to have some delightful little distractions coming your way, from hot flirtation to elevator sex. Just make sure your larger-than-life antics don't lead a concerned landlord to call the five-oh on your post-date romp.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
When fire signs are able to harness all of their flaming energy and focus it on one project, the results are usually spectacular. This week, you may find yourself making a project out of the new honey you're sampling, and the results will be exactly to your liking. As usual, the ones you fall for acquiesce to your control. And this time, you may be satisfied enough to stop sampling those honeys and invest in the whole squeezable bear.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Due to stubborn Saturn still hanging around and trying to teach you lessons about life, love and the pursuit of happiness, you'll feel a bit isolated this week. Don't sweat it. The solar system knows what it's doing. Even though you may feel like the Sir Edmund Hillary of your life already, we can always learn something new. So listen up, grasshopper, because some of these lessons may eventually become useful in the more unmentionable aspects of your world.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
With Mars slipping into your house of career success, this could mean big things for your dating life. I know, I know: sounds strange. But that impressive new title will certainly sound better than your old job did when it comes to the obligatory "what do you do?" ice-breaker. No matter which way you slice it, a hefty amount of power comes with a hefty amount of sex appeal. Enjoy coasting on your confidence!
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This month proves to be a rich one for you, in life and in love. Sparks will fly even higher this week than last, but as I warned before: take it slow. Nobody wants a needy counterpart. Coming on too strong can scare even the most compatible lovers away, and this one may be a keeper! Take full advantage of this week's creative burst, and focus all that love spillover onto a long-term project. This burst could be the push you need to finally get it done.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
With both Uranus and the sun circling your sign, chances are some spontaneous travel will occur this month. And though spontaneity goes hand-in-hand with a crazy, carefree lifestyle, be wary: it could also leave you far, far away from someone who needs you. Any less-than-well family members? A crazy roommate going through an existential crisis? No worries, they'll still be there when you return, and you'll be more help than you could ever imagine.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
We know you're not the greedy type, Cap, but it's time for you to outshine that bitch at work that sabotaged you earlier this month. Not only will you show your boss that you're more worthy (and worthy of more), you'll swoop that coveted creative position right out from under her self-righteous feet — and with the kind of class she could never muster. Go ahead and sponsor another child from the Philippines. You deserve it.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Wow, is that you, Aquarius? Looks like last week's little aesthetic tweak worked wonders for your aura. People are going to notice, but not necessarily the people you want. Sure, you'll take a compliment from the lady at the dry cleaner, your cubical neighbor and (sigh) your mother, but this confirms what you've known for a while: your crush is just not that into you. Time to get rid of the old to make way for the new! Spring cleaning awaits.
