Dating Confessions by You "I'm wearing sexy underwear while talking to you online so that I feel confident enough to tell you that I'm into you."
Scanner by Emily Farris Today on Nerve's culture blog: We bring you more Dita Von Teese from the German Playboy.
Screengrab by Various Today in Nerve's film blog: Holiday special - 35 people, places and movies we're thankful for.
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Michael Phelps indulges Anderson Cooper in some watersports and Dexter makes a 'bitch move.' Plus: the secret of Tina Fey's scar, revealed!
Aries
(Mar. 21-Apr.
19)
Someone you know may be trying to steal your stuff this week.
You're wandering about, thinking people can be trusted —
or hoping they can, like Bjork in Dancer in the Dark.
But this week, the movie of your life is being made by a Scandinavian
type, so you can bet you'll come home to find all the money missing
from your little coffee can. Sad, yes, but start singing some
deconstructed musical numbers around midweek and the time will
pass that much faster until you're executed by hanging. Seriously: if you're single and bringing someone home for the first time,
hide your checks, credit cards and receipts. If you're
in a relationship, consider doing the same.
Taurus
(Apr. 20-May 20)
Up 'til now, people coming on to you by tapping you on the shoulder and
trying to push your head toward their crotch has been all fun and games. This
week, you're liable not to be in the mood for such gas-station-attendant bluntness,
no matter how hot people look with dirty hands. Pay attention, especially on Tuesday when you'll
be complimented and wooed and treated special. If you go with that feeling instead
of dwelling on your dissatisfaction, you'll feel wonderful by week's end.
Gemini
(May 21-Jun.
21)
You may need to invest in a crash helmet and stay away from chocolate
this week, because you'll have a little too much in common with that
Mike Myers SNL character who had to
be tied to a jungle gym so he wouldn't harm himself and others
with his enthusiasm. Like most ADD-addled youngsters tethered
to playground equipment, your brain is remarkable. This week, use it to find answers
to some of your most perplexing sexual questions. The answers are in front of you, even if one of them involves going back
to that jungle gym and putting it and your tethers to better use.
Cancer
(June 21-July 21)
I kind of used to know this guy who was liked for his spontaneity.
He would suddenly run off while you were talking and call back
from the distance, telling you to join him. All this for a great sunset
or something. He seemed mystical for this reason. Then one time,
he stayed with me in Berlin and after having supposedly left to
go back to France, showed up at like five a.m. wanting breakfast. He
had spent the night on a bridge having a true conversation with
some German. All I know is he woke me up and wanted breakfast.
This could be you this week. "Endearingly free" becomes "annoying
jerk" fairly quickly. Just keep that in mind.
Leo
(July 22-Aug. 22)
Painful silence at the breakfast nook this week. Only the sounds
of spoons scraping in bowls and lowered gazes as you have some
family tension. This gives way after mother says something
seemingly innocuous but with some oblique but obvious hostility
in it. You look at her briefly and slam the spoon down with a
force both violent and pretty hilarious. On Wednesday you
get picked up by your hot young lover and speed away happily
from all that familial tension for some sex in the hatchback — or at least at someone else's abode.
Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Sheesh. Been watching too many thrillers recently, haven't
you? Thinking of sex as permanently associated with southern California,
murderous secrets, actors on the way down after Oscar wins and
swimming pool intercourse. Just realize you're one short
step from Cinemax erotica and try to do everything less stylized
instead of letting it drift into lurid fantasy. The real world
is way creepier anyway, and you're looking for the thrill
of danger, not a new goth club to belong to. This week, get back to the basics of sex (e.g. missionary, condoms, lube, one sex toy that does not entail spikes) just because you can.
Libra
(Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
You have something in common with the bad guys from Little House on the Prairie this week. You start the week irritated with people
you sleep with, only later, through the kindness
of Laura, her kindly mom and the Highway to Heaven guy, you find out that
the problem is you're missing something. It isn't
that you just like being mean to settlers or stealing horses — you just need love and understanding. Around Wednesday you'll
be rewarded for your sniffling, teary requests for forgiveness. Just don't take said forgiveness as a permit to be an asshat once again on Friday.
Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Boy, people don't appreciate all the shit you do for
them, do they? Here you are, trying to help them out with things like magical morning
sex and all they do is jump down your throat or, when they're in a good mood,
act like they don't care any more about you than that stupid co-worker they
like for God Knows Whatever reason. While you might be wise to suck it up on
Monday and Tuesday, no one likes a sucker for long. If you want respect and the same adoring attention as Mr. Copy Boy at
the office, stop catering to your lover's moods. Declare Wednesday the day to do anything and everything you want.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Everyone may snicker at you for having everything just so,
but Monday is going to be a good day for you. We know — chaos and uncertainty leave you feeling crazy in the sack. But sometimes crazy lovers are the best kind. So, at the very least, surprise yourself and your lover with a new sex toy. Not only will you thank us for the suggestion on Tuesday, but also you'll be inclined to call in sick to work in exchange for marathon morning sex and an afternoon of museums or movies or an extended Happy Hour. There's no shame. Really.
Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Early this week you're like a cerebral Rocky, in the proverbial boxing ring,
singing "Eye of the Tiger," hopping around and taking great pleasure in every
landed metaphorical punch to your Apollo (a.k.a. your lover). We know, we
know, your lover is being sort of a bitch, but if you ever want to have sex
with him or her again you'd be wise to throw in the towel before the match
begins and walk away. Some metaphorical punches are
impossible to recover from. Heed our words and your
lover will erase his or her bad behavior from your mind on Wednesday and Thursday.
Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
This week, you seem to be taking those surprisingly legal yellow pills they sell at gas
stations. You want everything done extra
quick, sex included. You want it and like it, but you're a bit too eager to
get it over with, which makes the other person get performance anxiety and
take even longer. You'll come in contact around mid-week with a smooth
operator, so that'll be your chance to change horses, if you like, as you may
be in such a hurry because you're tired or bored with your current lover. Just
pop a few more of those pills and pop in the Johnny Paycheck cassette and
think about it for a second before doing anything.
Pisces
(Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
There used to be a commercial for Welch's Grape Juice that must have only
aired in the South because none of the stars we know who live above the
Mason-Dixon Line know about it. Anyway, the commercial featured a little
twangy tot who said something like "Don't you ever get tired of drinkin' the
same thang, the same thang, the same thang?" Not a bad a question, especially
when applied to your sex life this week. There's only so much of the same
routine that you can take, and you're reaching your limit. Don't blame your
lover — it takes two to fornicate. We hate to sound like Dr. Phil,
but you'd be wise to talk with your bedmate about this sexual
malaise. Chances are, he or she feels your pain and would love nothing
more than a weeklong adventure.
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
