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MARCH 30 - APRIL 5
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Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Change has been in the air for weeks, Aries, and this week it will finally strike. Not financial or political change, mind you. We’re talking serious identity change. Switching clothes with your partner will yield surprising results. Try it in front of an audience. If that’s your normal routine, you will go back to basics for a change. Put on, and then take off, your and your partner’s own clothes. Then close the door. |
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Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You’ve been so good with the discipline lately. People around you have noticed. But don’t forget to be kind to yourself. We don’t necessarily mean having that twelfth frozen margarita and going home with the hot editor. Those Ray-Bans aren’t even prescription. No, instead you should downshift. Get a bottle of wine and one of your favorite buddies of the benefits variety. Conversation won’t be the only intimate benefit. |
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Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
I know things aren’t going your way right now, but as my Grandmother always said, if things are coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. Keep in mind that Kevin Bacon, even after he starred in Animal House, had to go back to waiting tables and couldn’t get big roles for years to come. Hard work and persistence pay off. Who else has a six-degrees meme named after them? Your hotness and grit will endure. |
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Cancer (June 21-July 21)
It’s true what they, and by they I mean Robert Plant, say: all that glitters isn’t gold. Gold, under the right light, does glitter though. Have you found the diamond in the rough, Cancer? Forget your friends and their cautionary tales. Just because your date is blackout drunk by ten o’clock and wearing clothes that could easily land you both in Vice, doesn’t mean they don’t also have an MIT degree and a heart of gold. Time will tell. |
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Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
It’s a busy week in planetary conflict, Leo, pitting Venus against Pluto and Mars against Saturn. For you, the end result of this celestial cocktail will be a time-consuming legal affair. (Sorry, no extra-marital affairs this time.) There may be someone demanding and self-absorbed working their way into your life. This could mean doing hard time with a pushy cellmate, but it may also mean Netflixing NYPD Blue DVDs and spending some quality time with Mr. Andy Sipowicz. His mustache is dreamy. |
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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Be prepared to take action this week. Mars is opposing Saturn, causing a burst of energy in your professional life. If not harnessed properly, this energy could have a negative effect, so take care. If you are a museum curator, think about bringing new and risky works of art into your collection. If you are a boxer, perhaps becoming the heavyweight champion of the world is in order. If you are a caterpillar, consider this week an optimal time to begin your metamorphosis into a colorful butterfly instead of creepy little worm thing. |
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Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
“You've Got a Friend in Me" was co-written by Randy Newman and Lyle Lovett, presumably friends themselves, for Pixar’s 1995 classic, Toy Story. This weekend, Mercury and Jupiter ensure similar productivity in your partnerships. Feel free to collaborate in business, romance, or the theme song to a universally loved family film. Remember, though, not all friendships are sunshine and rainbows: “Friend” lost the Best Original Song award to "Colors of the Wind" from Pocahontas at both the Oscars and the Golden Globes. Heh. Pocahontas beat Woody. Heh.
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Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Basing your weltanschauung on TV characters is a bad idea, and we don’t mean Vulcan death gripping a PCP-pickled mugger. No, we cite a more banal example: The Jim-and-Pam Trap. Indulge in it and you’ll soon be gazing dolefully at the copier (which is just coincidentally next to the coworker whose every orifice you’ve explored with a gopher’s zeal). If water cooler peccadilloes got you down, sit tight — by month’s end, the cosmos will bless you with a freebie middle management shuffle. Don’t shit where you eat next time. |
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Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Pluto is truly the paradoxical prick this week. Thanks to his waxing influence, you’ll feel both a pinch on your greenbacks and some power in your pink parts. Put a positive spin on things — pretend you’ve ingested some military-grade Spanish fly and engage in some discount fun. We’re talking long walks on the beach, long walks in the park and — unless you have a designated driver — long walks to the open bar.
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Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
In like a lion, out like a eunuch. If this describes your March, cheer up. April showers bring May flowers, and May flowers bring…umm…oh drat. It seems as though we’ve run out of seasonal epigrams to bawdlerize. (Bowdlerize? Bawdlerize? Get it? No? Philistines.) Please excuse our creative priapism and just trust that you’re going to get laid like a motherfucker next month. Why? Because the goddamn zodiac said so. Shit, do we love this job. |
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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
What’s this we hear about you and your philandering, Aquarius? Rita Hayworth once complained that men fell in love with Gilda, and woke up with her. Are you sure you know who you’re taking to bed? It would save you a lot of drama later if you watch out for signs. Then again, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. |
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Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
We catch you looking out the window, Pisces, wondering what life would have held for you if you’d stayed in your home town instead of chasing your dreams coast to coast. We’ll tell you what life would have held. A short-lived marriage to your first lover, wrist-to-ankle band tattoos, and twins with cringe-worthy names rock stars would be ashamed of. Now aren’t you kind of glad you sold out? |
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