Dating Confessions by You "I'm wearing sexy underwear while talking to you online so that I feel confident enough to tell you that I'm into you."
Scanner by Emily Farris Today on Nerve's culture blog: We bring you more Dita Von Teese from the German Playboy.
Screengrab by Various Today in Nerve's film blog: Holiday special - 35 people, places and movies we're thankful for.
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Michael Phelps indulges Anderson Cooper in some watersports and Dexter makes a 'bitch move.' Plus: the secret of Tina Fey's scar, revealed!
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You need to stretch those legs! I know, I know, you don't have enough space in your small apartment. I recognize that trying to have orgies on a twin mattress thrown in a corner presents some spacing issues, but you're voluntarily crowding your sex life even more. Lose some of those accoutrements you've come to think necessary, and get back to straight-up sex. You'll be surprised how nice it'll be to stick to the simple stuff and spread your toes.
promotion
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
I like Suze Orman as much as the next fellow, but you're really going to like her this week. Giving your finances over to a sassy money guru feels good, but giving your privates over to her will feel even better. I gather she's in a long-term relationship, which would seem to derail your hopes for this week, but fret not. There are many, many brassy, fast-talking motivational types out there for you to tongue-kiss for fifteen hours.
Get motivated to find them!
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Like some real-life version of Sufjan Stevens' song titles, you're being wordy but not exactly clear. You'll choose obliqueness for a variety of reasons: partly for the style of it, partly because you don't really feel like directly stating whether you want some orange juice or not. This week, follow this impulse to its logical conclusion. Tape potatoes to your head and insist on having sex on window sills. Any ill will inspired by your vagueness will be mitigated by your new reputation for being insane.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
It's a good time to take a trip and get out of the funk you may find yourself in this week. Foreign vistas beckon, promising crotches like none you have ever experienced. Travel affairs always seem so unreal, so like a dream afterward. Heighten this effect by wearing a fake mustache or telling people your name is Robespierre. Make the whole thing live on as a hot, mysterious memory.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
That moment when things start to hurt is when normal people put a halt to the proceedings. But not you. Not this week. Fun will only be fun when it goes too far, as you spend the week finding out just how much you can give and how much your pubic bone can take. Have fun, but seriously, be safe.
Keep the laws of physics in mind, for goodness' sake.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Who says you need to take others into account? Pah! You have a much more important thing to think about this week: yourself. This is liable to be misunderstood by some; you may point out to them that some attention to yourself is overdue, given all you've done for them lately. Or you may want to skip the explanations and jump to the part where you surround yourself with mirrors, gaze into your old diaries and masturbate yourself to self-realization.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
If you don't have a Sidekick yet, you may want to consider getting one this week — to keep up with all your sex appointments. Oral sex in elevators, squeezed in between a quickie with your immediate superior at work and your friend's rooftop sex party. Phew! The key to making all this work, besides B vitamins, is making quicker decisions than you're used to. Contemplation is fine, but it's not going to get you to come on all your appointments on time.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
In order for this week to work, you need to keep a simple maxim in mind. We can only fuck the person we have, not the person we imagine we'd like to fuck.
Ideals are good, but you've gotten to a place where you're unfairly comparing your sex life and sex partners to imaginary archetypes, and that isn't helping anything this week. If there's a actual problem, get into it, but don't create problems due to unnecessary comparison.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
It sure feels good when they make you come. So good, in fact, that you may have come to expect it. Giving yourself over is a key component of your sex life, and it's produced some pretty intense experiences. But there's something to be said for doing it yourself. If they're less able to flip your switch this week, take matters into your own hands.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Unfortunately for you, the sex you'll prefer this week corresponds to images of middle-aged liberal arts professors, patchouli and Tibetan chanting CDs. You'll like things slow and rubby, which might result in some cognitive dissonance given your usual banging and screaming style. Just accept that it feels pretty damn good and get on with it.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Sometimes you dream of your soccer team hoisting you up on their shoulders, dumping champagne over your head, beaming up at you with pride. This week's version may involve nudity and substances of slightly different origin than that of champagne. The only problem with this victory lap of a week is that it won't last forever. Instead of trying to drag it out, enjoy it while it lasts, and while those faces are still focused on you.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
It'd be nice if everyone could do their own thing and it would all work out, but that policy almost never results in orgasms. Take charge this week:
guide hands, grasp and direct hips, instruct in husky tones if necessary, but take the lead. It's for your, and their, own good.
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
