61 Frames Per Second by John Constantine Today in Nerve's videogame blog: We put the fighting behind us with Mirror's Edge and reminisce about the modal powers of Mario Paint.
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Today on Nerve's TV blog: Possible Gossip Girl season two spoilers include Chuck Bass threeway. Plus: Zach Braff leaving the show that wouldn't die.
Scanner by Emily Farris Today on Nerve's culture blog: Scanner Nicole falls for the world's biggest nerd.
Dating Confessions by You "I want to dump my good-looking, clean-cut, polite boyfriend... for my awkward, goofy, nerdy and crass friend. Because I want to be with someone more like myself."
Aries
(Mar. 21-Apr.
19)
On Monday, you'll fall for someone because of what's in
their heart and brain. If this new "looks don't matter" attitude freaks you out,
don't worry. Tuesday and Friday, you'll be back to your old,
less-than-perfect self. We're not harping on you. It's our imperfections (especially those masked as indifference) that often make us
attractive.
Taurus
(Apr. 20-May 20)
Death Watch 2005 (Terry Schiavo, the Pope, poor Saul Bellow, whose death was overshadowed
by that of Terry and the Pope) will turn you into a therapist's wet dream — and a lover's nightmare — early this week. On Monday,
you'll want nothing more than to talk about your deepest feelings. On Tuesday,
you'll feel compelled to own up to every single one of your
emotional and sexual misdeeds. Enough already! When you wake up Thursday wanting to spend the
day analyzing your past relationships, get on the phone, make a drinks date with the hottest,
most vacuous person you know and spend the day thinking about
one thing.
Gemini
(May 21-Jun.
21)
This week, take your cue from an obscure song by Steve Fisk called "Strong, Warm
and In Command." It features some warm-voiced lady talking about sex and massage
and such things in a competent and reassuring manner. Now,
I know you normally like more alarming scenarios in your sex life
— or at least you think you do — but this week you'll be entering
a new, stronger phase. Don’t
worry, this doesn't mean you'll be relegated to the missionary position
from here on out. It does mean you should stay indoors
for the next few weeks if the last thing you want is a functional relationship. If you're already in one,
just because it's getting stronger doesn't mean you can
forgo
subtlety.
Cancer
(June 21-July 21)
One time, when I was a kid I thought I was going to die on the
ride home from band practice and instead got stung in the neck
by a wasp and crashed my bike. You'll be living your life with
that kind of arc over the next seven days, spending the first
part of the week trying to sort out the repercussions from a one
night stand or a blowjob gone terribly, terribly wrong with an
eye toward doing what's right by all parties. By Friday, you're liable
to realize it was just an errant sting that was coming your way,
not total destruction. Which is good news for your disgruntled
(quite probably former) lover as much as it is for you.
Leo
(July 22-Aug. 22)
This week, you're like the Russians at Kobelnitz, with Napoleon thwarting
you at every turn. Too obscure? Put it this way: everyone
in the world seems to have received a secret commission to cockblock you, whether or not you actually have a cock. Best thing
to do: take Monday and Tuesday night off, then spend
Wednesday and Thursday confronting the interlopers with uncharacteristic directness. We guarantee someone will find that hot, or we'll give you these fifteen seconds of your life back.
Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
We know "talks" are a pain. If, on Monday, you have one with your lover or the person
you'd like to be your lover, communicate about what's really going on between the two of
you. On Tuesday, money matters may leave your panties in
a twist, but even a negative balance in your checkbook can't stop
the multiple O's you'll be experiencing on Wednesday night, just as Thursday's domestic dispute won't dampen your weekend
sprit in the least. Starting Friday, you'll more sexually
adventurous than you've been in years. Take advantage of it.
Libra
(Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Sexual relationships will be oddly, uncomfortably emotional this
week, sort of like Dolly Parton in Steel Magnolias. You'll be
needy on Monday, tweaky on Tuesday, and jealous come
Wednesday night. Your sex life will begin to flourish again on
Friday if, on Thursday, you stick near people who aren't prone
to causing you trauma
and find a social refuge, your personal equivalent of Truvy's salon. It'll be great. Dolly Parton is pretty hot
when you get down to it. And she can sing like a motherfucker.
Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Sure, progressive rock is masturbatory, but it also proves that
playing with yourself doesn't preclude complexity and epic grandeur.
And maybe it's really just "precious silliness," but
who cares what people say? We're born alone, we die alone, so
we damn well better be able to get ourselves off. This week, the stars encourage you to keep your hands out of your wallet
by keeping your hands down your pants. On Thursday, you may
want to hold off on the self-love in preparation for Friday,
the beginning of a monthlong mutual masturbation phase in which
relationships flourish.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week, love, or at least sex, has the transformative power
to knock you off your feet and out of any residual winter slump.
If you're without a fuck buddy, Monday is your night for meeting
someone new. If you've got a significant other, it's the perfect
night to re-enact an even steamier version of The Story
of O.
Tuesday and Wednesday may be a tad volatile, but everyone knows
that sex is best when there's biting involved (and perhaps a little
bondage). On Thursday, you've got the power to make
some big changes in your sex life. Sure, you could dump whomever
you slept with on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night. Or
you could set a new sexual standard for both of you.
Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week, you're romantic and moody in a Stevie Nicks kind of
way. Your witchy, lacey sex appeal will attract a little too much
attention, perhaps, with all those bandmembers tumbling
down your landslide. Go ahead and take their leather and let them
take your lace. Just remember that if things start going
wrong — and with a few more everyone-wants-a-piece-of-me weeks ahead of you, something is bound to go
wrong — don't be too quick to blame the naked person lying next
to you.
Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
A certain someone has gotten you hot-and-bothered. You'll be too busy thinking about them naked
to consider anything else. This is a good thing if you're
single and they're even remotely interested.
Things could get tricky on Wednesday if . . . well, you figure
it out. That said, one person's impossible hurdle is another
person's very surmountable anthill, and if there were ever a day
when you shouldn't underestimate your powers of persuasion, it's Thursday. But before
you break up any couples, think to yourself: do I really want to relegate myself
to being a rebound?
Pisces
(Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Missed cues are a problem this week. Someone asks
where you'll be in June, and you pull your boobs out. Then the
awkward silence descends and you have to try to get your breasts
back in your bra. But stop! Don't put them away just because
they weren't asked for! Make it seem like it
was your idea. Maybe you're
just the type who does this sort of thing. If not, become that
type, at least on Monday, Thursday and Friday. Even if it doesn't
attract the person you were hoping to seduce, someone will reward your brazen behavior.
