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Aries
(Mar. 21-Apr.
19)
You're a sexual cheerleader
this week: full of spunk and energy. Unfortunately, you're also accident prone, so stick to
the sexy-bump-and-grind parts of your routine and skip the barrel
rolls, cartwheels and the use of sex toys that could
potentially draw blood. This weekend, remember the principle
of teamwork: You may want to be the one at the top of the pyramid
every time, but everyone in the squad
deserves a turn.
Taurus
(Apr. 20-May 20)
You're in a blithely confessional mood at the start of the week, proud
of your recent sexual escapades. But
your enthusiasm-turned-bragging rights might send at least one potential bedmate
running. Make a concerted effort to keep your mouth shut until Saturday,
when you'll be mentally sharp enough to defend your proclivities
to that special, sort-of-prudish someone.
Gemini
(May 21-Jun.
21)
You're starring in Lethal Weapon at the beginning of the week. Mel Gibson is legitimately
insane, running amok and making crazy faces. And guess what — you're playing Danny Glover. Someone near and dear to you will be wild on Monday and Tuesday, leaving you to run
after him or her and get involved in emotional carnage.
Realize
you're too old for this shit. Either set your paramour free or give them an ultimatum: more sex and less
drama, or I'm out of here.
Cancer
(June 21-July 21)
Your bedmate's panties are in a knot on Monday. Our advice: steer clear of him or her until Thursday, when you'll be at your practical
best, knowing exactly how to calm their nerves with your tongue.
In fact, your relaxation techniques will be so successful that
your bedmate will want to stay home Friday night and
return the favor. Just don’t
forget to leave the house on Saturday. Lunar Eclipse Sunday is a make-it-or-break-it day as far as your
relationship goes, so have one last hurrah just
in case.
Leo
(July 22-Aug. 22)
On Monday, you're like that attractive actress in Pulp Fiction who dates Bruce Willis: you left the metaphorical
watch on the kangaroo and now someone you've been sleeping with
is on the warpath. Don't count on great sex to save you from your lover's tantrums about something
that seems like nothing. Just let them ride off and figure
it out on their own. They'll be back. You're much too attractive, and it's poor storytelling
to drop a character at this point in the narrative.
Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
The big news this week comes when you're at
a bar, party or restaurant and some fetching person "accidentally" bumps
into you. It'll be very exciting. Feel free to fawn over him or her
a bit. People think really hot people don't like that, but they
do. Just remember to feel — and, more importantly, behave — like you
can walk away from it at any time. Fawning gets you in the door,
but acting like you don't have to have it because you get it all
the time is the password to
the world of monkey sex.
Libra
(Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
You have some nice little sexual routines set in place. Part
one: kiss once, then decide to skip the kissing part. Part two:
pull off pants, or — if your shoes are too complicated to take
off — pull pants down and deal with shoes later. Part three:
fiddle with the other person's doo-dads
to get them in the right place. Part four: get it on. Part five: turn on American Idol. This week,
however, this little routine of yours, though the height of efficiency,
will be interrupted by forces outside your control. American Idol might be pre-empted. Someone might be wearing a skirt. Or someone is going start crying about how you always do the same
thing. Take the opportunity to
switch things up.
Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Seems there's never time to have all the sex you'd like
to have. You basically get to say a few nasty things to
the object of your frustration (or maybe even just think them);
your underwear becomes a land of strange, tingly activity; then the phone rings or you have to leave for work. Take advantage of a break in
everyday annoyances on Tuesday, when your libido will be in sync with
that special someone's. If you don’t, you may have
to wait until Lunar Eclipse Sunday for another chance.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
When it comes to
your relationship status, this week it's like you're chafing at the chains put
on you by society just because you have to have a driver's license. Yep, for the next seven days you'll be in love with freedom, dreaming of a utopia where you can
get it on with anyone and everyone and never have to think
about key swapping or ring swapping or having
those damn "talks." Go ahead and court controversy!
Find the joys to be had from true sexual and emotional liberation!
Just don't do it at someone's expense.
Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
It's all exclamation points for you this week. On Tuesday, relax!
Lay back and sigh, have some wine! Communicate entirely in sounds that come out of your mouth
when you're naked with someone who appreciates
nothing more than multiple O's! On Wednesday, bust out the new
moves and new toys! On Thursday, take care of business in a flash!
See how efficient you can be and still achieve ebullience!
Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Try something — or someone — familiar this week. See what it's like to have sex with someone you haven't
rendezvoused with in five years. Take note
of how you've become a better, dare-we-say-friskier lover. Then give yourself a pat on the back, and try
to make even more strides in your sex life.
Remember: the best thing about getting older
is that we only get better in bed with age. Sunday's lunar
eclipse will lead to even wilder escapades, so
reconnecting with the younger, less experienced you will come
in handy.
Pisces
(Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
The week starts with you feeling bored, unfulfilled, vaguely afraid that this is it, in terms of mediocre sex
with mediocre people who may or may not call you in the morning.
Don't start listening to Leonard Cohen just yet. Your sex life
will start to liven up as early as Tuesday. On Wednesday,
someone will surprise you with something new, and the memories will get you through Thursday and Friday. On
Saturday, when you're presented with a few different options, choose the one that most qualifies
as unusual.
