61 Frames Per Second by John Constantine Today in Nerve's videogame blog: Street Fighter. The movie. A new one. With that chick from that Superman show. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Mad Men's January Jones struts her stuff in Vanity Fair. Plus: Damages returns, the latest Gossip Girl guest star and Donna Martin capitulates.
Aries
(Mar. 21-Apr.
19)
You're liable to find yourself naked and lying next to someone
who makes relentlessly vague assertions this week, speaking as
if they were a horoscope: full of seemingly pertinent
but difficult-to-implement statements about sex. This
won't sit well, as you're in the mood for some definition between
your legs. Give a multiple-choice quiz
to potential lovers and, based on their score, either guide them
to your waiting loins or show them the door. Use such a make-or-break device around Wednesday or Thursday,
when you'll be particularly impressive to others. They'll react
to your hotness and authority by filling out whatever forms necessary
to get some.
Taurus
(Apr. 20-May 20)
You're the FDR or the JFK of oral sex this week: the great orator. You'll
ask the standard questions, maybe like, "Oh yeah, is that what you
like? You like it right there?" but for some reason it'll inspire people
to do their best for you, not just for themselves. You'll appeal to what's best
in their crotches and be remembered forevermore for your greatness. Be sure and
get something in your mouth, by hook or by crook, on Wednesday when you'll be
a little bit Clinton too, overflowing with compassion, feeling their "pain" and
making it all better.
Gemini
(May 21-Jun.
21)
That sexily scruffy revolutionary explaining to you why your basest
sexual instincts are radical and not just worthy but Important
and revolutionary, will find a willing follower in you this week.
You're ready to put on black and red and run through the streets ushering in a world built on new principles: the principles of
sweaty, hot, constant sex! Just watch out on Saturday, when your
enthusiasm may deceive you.
Cancer
(June 21-July 21)
This week, you're like a friend of mine. I went to his house and
he had unexpectedly painted all these amazing paintings and drawings
and made all these other fantastic creations since I had been
over last. People won't see it coming, but
you'll be whipping out similarly remarkable things, pun intended.
Of course, you may also just be taking a lot of speed like my
friend was. So be sure and relax, especially by Thursday, or you'll
burn out and miss the exciting potential of the weekend.
Leo
(July 22-Aug. 22)
You'll undergo a marked transformation this week, like Gael Garcia
Bernal in that Almodovar movie, moving from incredibly hot to
incredibly hot in a wig and lipstick! Metaphorically, anyway.
People will be amazed at your attractiveness in different contexts
on Wednesday, so don't be greedy. Do the world a favor and spread
your amazing hotness around a little. It's really an altruistic
act to be slutty sometimes. So give of yourself until it hurts
after Wednesday, when you have everyone's attention. Gael does
it in movies, you do it in bed.
Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
You'll start the week like those bewildering Jimmy Buffet fans, on an even keel and sporting aphorisms like "it's
all good" as if they were spoken by the Buddha. Just watch
out later in the week: you may have more than a blown-out flip-flop
on your hands as someone you've been regularly rocking the Good
Times Van with flips out and tries to kill your buzz with their "concerns" and "issues." Just
consider their position; they may just be trying to punish you for their
own boredom with the good life. And as that's against the law
in Margaritaville. They may have to go.
Libra
(Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
You're like enthusiastic highway builder and rampant urban planner
Robert Moses this week, with your grand schemes for getting more
people into your bed more efficiently, cleanly and with greater modernity
than ever before. You may have to railroad a few officials and
make lots of poor people move, but by God, you've got a dream!
A great big dream, do you hear? People will enthusiastically
follow you early this week, but your visions may prove too much
for the real world by Saturday, when people's feelings
may get hurt in your
relentless pursuit of a Cross-Ass Expressway.
Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You want to learn a thing or two about a thing or two this week,
as certain worries about your sexual abilities plague you. You've
taken certain things for granted, and now you suspect your techique could use some brushing-up. Don't be embarrassed! Sex is rarely a
drag to practice, so you're unlikely to run into resigned sighs
and eye-rolling when you inform your partner(s) of your intentions.
Just watch out on Wednesday — you might get a little too serious
in your pursuit of knowledge and pull something, in the bad
sense of the word.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You've run yourself a bit ragged of late. You're beginning
to feel like you smoked 4,000 cigarettes and are liable
to have a mental breakdown if someone fails to say hello to
you after you had sex with them in an alleyway the night before.
This week, take some time to feel a smidge
more emotionally secure. Whether that means stop living like
a horny, feral beast I can't say, but regardless, take stock
of what you want and let your
nerves recover a little. On Thursday, beware of your tendency to
lie, or "embellish," as you like to call it.
Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You're looking for a great gift to give a friend or acquaintance
this week, and it's right under your nose! A few feet below your
nose, anyway. Hint — it's between your legs and would earn you
a ticket if you walked around with it exposed. Not to encourage
vanity, but that's what they really want, so you better give it
to them.
Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You're in a great mood this week, sexually sated and generally
well. That is, until Thursday, when someone starts in with what
first seems a reasonable tale but quickly becomes obviously
fake. You've been relying on this person's version of
the facts for your great mood, so this is liable to deflate you
a bit. But by Saturday, you'll have bounced back.
Pisces
(Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Lionel Richie did a song called "All Night Long," and it may as
well be about you, as you enter a week that'll be particularly
suited to celebrating. And just like the song, the reason for
the celebration can be unspecified or even non-existent. The
point is just to take advantage and have a good time. If the
song is any indication, you'll be a big hit. Just like Baudelaire
says, vagueness doesn't exclude intensity.
