Dating Confessions by You "I'm wearing sexy underwear while talking to you online so that I feel confident enough to tell you that I'm into you."
Scanner by Emily Farris Today on Nerve's culture blog: We bring you more Dita Von Teese from the German Playboy.
Screengrab by Various Today in Nerve's film blog: Holiday special - 35 people, places and movies we're thankful for.
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Michael Phelps indulges Anderson Cooper in some watersports and Dexter makes a 'bitch move.' Plus: the secret of Tina Fey's scar, revealed!
Aries
(Mar. 21-Apr.
19)
You're touchy this week. And I don't mean you're grabbing people a lot. If only you were touching
people's arms to be excused or putting your weight against them
to express your mirth at some vaguely funny thing they said.
But no, all week you see accusation in every tree, particularly
as the week begins, and again on Saturday. If you believe that a friend is trying to undermine you, fight the feeling
by grabbing their crotch. Chances are the resulting action will
fix your mood in time for Sunday's New Moon.
Taurus
(Apr. 20-May 20)
Get yourself in line for sainthood this week by being supportive to someone.
Lend them a shoulder (or some portion of your
anatomy that's less often exposed to sunlight) to cry on this Tuesday. In the second
half of the week, you start to believe that maybe emotional
openness really is sexy after all. Watch out with those I'm Okay, You're Okay sentiments, as some disappointment may be in store for Saturday. You may find out that emotional
openness is the only way for this person to get turned on, which, frankly,
is a little creepy. Sunday 's New Moon will wipe the slate clean, and you
can put those bedside tissues to their proper use.
Gemini
(May 21-Jun.
21)
Ever notice how Ludacris is just slightly too hardcore? He says
stuff like he's going to break the steering column on your Impala
and grip the mic so hard his hand breaks. Just like Ludacris, you're enthusiastic and perhaps a little over the top, but charming this week.
Be on the lookout, particularly on
Friday, for someone funny who has a great idea, like a video in
which you have giant fake hands and wander about being obscenely
angry. But do it with them, don't make a video with them.
Unless the video is of you doing it. Maybe with giant fake hands?
Cancer
(June 21-July 21)
You start the week champing at the bit to do something, anything
crazy. "Say, I was thinking, how about if I get seventeen
people and some rusty nails and puppies and we . . ." "You
got it! Let 's go!!" You're frustrated because no one
really wants to do anything crazy, least of all risk tetanus in
the name of adventure. Dont' worry — sympathetic souls are out there,
and Sunday 's New Moon will increase your luck in this department.
Leo
(July 22-Aug. 22)
Your sex life is kind of staid as this week begins. Not in a
bad way, necessarily, but in the way of couples who wear evening
wear to the dinner table and shake hands. After, they retire
to the bedchamber for officious and respectfully formal coitus . . . I
was going to say you should mix things up, especially with
this weekend when adventure looms, but I think
this dinner table scene sounds hot. So do that! Wear evening
wear to dinner and be very formal. Use terms of respect in addressing your partner. Except when you get to the bedchamber, spread
your legs and gnash your teeth and crawl all over them until
you come like a beast who is being consumed from within by sexual
depravity.
Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Lord, get hard already! That's what one thinks sometimes when watching poorly
lit pornographic films, both gay and straight, where someone is
sucking away with all their might and despite the man 's moans
and silly faces, it's as limp as a chubby earthworm. And that
's what you'll be thinking, metaphorically at least, about the
people you're with this week. They seem to be waffling on everything,
taking their precious time giving you what you want. By Wednesday,
they should be up and ready to go, and things should get
much more exciting and important, making all that effort worth
it. There 'll be no trouble in that department for the rest
of the week, as you embark on a particularly sexual period.
Libra
(Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
You are normally the epitome of tact, but this week someone's
going to try your patience. You've found their self-involvement
and self-deprecation charming up to now. But you start to notice
that the word "self" is prominently included in both
those things, and their whole referring-to-themselves-in-the-third-person
thing is keeping you from getting the things you want. Like during sex, when they seem to be patting themselves
on the back for patting you to an orgasm. Trust me, there are
people out there who don 't ask "did that hurt?" with
so much implied self-congratulation. Remember this, particularly
on Saturday, when you may start thinking you're to blame.
If you're in doubt, pull the same thing on them and watch them freak
out.
Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
The person you're with seems to be in a race to come this week,
as if there was bad stuff that they needed to get out ASAP, lest
they die. This hurried nature will coerce you into breaking
world records yourself. Try to relax by week's end, particularly
Friday and Saturday, when you could maybe stand to have a more
Grateful Dead approach to coming. Take plenty of time to noodle
your way around before ending the song.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You're eager to get cracking on your vision as the week begins.
Like Brian Wilson, you've smoked pot and heard Phil Spector's records and are poised to make something wonderful. Your
mind is bursting with dreams of moving through and beyond happy
sunny sex and finding expansive mind-blowing multi-textual
sex beyond! Wednesday brings
some disappointment, probably in the form of the Mike Love
in your life scoffing at your dreams. But guess what? Toward
week's end you will succeed. Just watch the inevitable
post-success crash, lest you become yet another episode of Behind the
Music.
Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
When I landed in the Houston airport one
time, everyone was walking so slowly, meandering about as if
they were strolling down a country path. I was convinced they were trying to be annoying and
hostile, a fact I communicated by not-so-quietly implying things
about their behavior with their own mothers. As I found then,
the best thing to do with these feelings is get right back
on the plane and fly home where people do things the way you like.
Your annoyance early this week should be gone by Thursday, when you 'll be surrounded
by smiling faces, and below the faces there
will be no clothes. Just be sure and behave extra gratefully toward
them.
Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
As charmed as you are by your own voice this week, it still may
surprise you how easily you're able to convince people to sleep
with you. Like a cult leader, people
are following you, not to their poisoning deaths maybe, but to
the warm and waiting utopia behind your golden zipper. Don't get too cocky on Thursday, when you'll be given to overstating
yourself. It's fine to use a little unnatural charisma to get
what you want, but don't get too carried away and start buying
weapons and impregnating people with the son of God, or you may
get your house set on fire.
Pisces
(Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
You should hang out with Iggy Pop, because you guys
are like twins this week. You 're full of electricity: twitching
and hopping and bending as if you were actually being shocked.
Also like Iggy, you'll have much variety in your bed this
week. David Bowie one night, a bunch of girls the next. And
that will explain all your on-stage strutting.
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
