61 Frames Per Second by John Constantine Today in Nerve's videogame blog: Street Fighter. The movie. A new one. With that chick from that Superman show. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Mad Men's January Jones struts her stuff in Vanity Fair. Plus: Damages returns, the latest Gossip Girl guest star and Donna Martin capitulates.
Aries
(Mar. 21-Apr.
19)
Don't be discouraged on Monday when someone says, "I like
your new outfit — go fuck yourself." Who knows what their
problem is, but they're best ignored. On Tuesday,
you need to get someone who's been right under your
nose right under your waist. They'll be like one of those guests
on a TV show who prove so perfect that you're tempted to sign them
up for a whole season of "opening the door to your set," if
you get my meaning.
Taurus
(Apr. 20-May 20)
I like Leonard Cohen, but frankly, I'm a little baffled by him. What kind of music
is that? All those Central Casting backup singers and Miami Vice music makes him an island unto himself. This week, that's you. You'll keep a lot of things close to the vest. When you offer opinions,
they'll have something to do with obscure monkeys, vague Cold War-era political
allusions and (I think, but can't be sure) oral sex as sacrament. This may make
you hard to sleep with, as people will have trouble wading through it all.
On Friday, take advantage of your practicality and say, "I'm guided by the
beauty of our weapons. And by that I mean, can I give you a handjob?"
Gemini
(May 21-Jun.
21)
Gemini is kind of a split-personality
sign, and you're going to be a little like Sybil this week. On the
outside, you're a hit with everyone. People will come up
to you with genitalia exposed, eyes wild with desire, mouths frozen
in laughter at every word you say. But inside, you're quiet
and contemplative, pondering eternal questions like monks
do. Of course, monks are actually thinking, "Goddamn that Brother
Jeffrey. If I get the chance, I'm going to stick a shank in that
bastard!" But you're like they're supposed to be. This
contemplation will come in handy on Friday, when your sage advice will be needed to solve a problem.
Cancer
(June 21-July 21)
You're like a John Patrick Shanley play this
week. (He wrote the movie Moonstruck! Geez, the guy wins an Oscar
and a Pulitzer, and you don't know who he is?!) Anyway, in your life, as in Shanley's work, there will be much cursing and slapping at first. But by the end (in this case, Friday), you'll be transformed by the redemptive power of love.
Just be wary of your nostalgic feelings on Saturday.
Leo
(July 22-Aug. 22)
Omigod! I was just on the internet and there was a pop-up that
said, "Looking for love?" and at that same moment, the
same words came from my stereo, which is currently playing "The Lady
In Red." Being a particularly attuned horoscope writer, I can
only interpret this as a sign for you, Leo. Particularly on Friday,
get misty and have one of those we-are-the-only-two-on-the-planet
slow dances. Be sure to huskily whisper "I
love you" at the end. That's the best part.
Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
It's time to stop messing with people your age; it's starting
to seem like you're in love with yourself.
See what bounty there is amongst those to your junior and
senior. This week, it looks like seniors will be the
way to go: on Thursday, you'll be looking for knowledge, and seniors know their way around the sack! So hop to, Virgo —
who knows how long this MILF window will remain open.
Libra
(Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
I have a friend who compiled a report called something like "Boyfriends of Many Lands." It chronicled all the boys she had lain with in the Biblical sense, even if they were
from countries that don't read the Bible. This will be a good
week for you to look abroad (or, at least, to the next town over) for love. The possibilities of an entirely new mall and
the People's Republic
of 30 Miles Away will intoxicate you. By Sunday, be ready to get
wild. The locals may want to make you
their ruler and official sex object.
Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You're living a commune love affair this week.
You'll start out with smiles over the campfire, seeing third
eye to third eye with someone special. Good vibrations will
abound. The sex will be phenomenal, conjuring words like
"yoni" in your mind. Midweek, you'll be communicating, walking
hand-in-hand over the fallow fields and discussing the carcinogenic
potential of silicone in deodorant. But watch out as the weekend comes.
Arguments — or in this case, massive passive-aggression — will
surface. By Sunday, your new lover will claim that
your attachment is an expression of capitalism and
they must be free to bone. So pack your bags and head back to
civilization. And put on shitloads of Secret as revenge.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Someone wants to fight you this week. It has all the markings
of a battle-of-the-wills a la Mohammad Ali and George Foreman
in Zaire. Run up a lot of courthouse steps, drink raw eggs and
talk much shit to keep in shape. And
don't worry — this won't keep you from getting laid. You're
at the peak of your powers, and bruises can be pretty fetching. Plenty of people will want to Vaseline up your
cuts, and who knows what else.
Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
If Mr. Rogers could instill a sense of sexual happiness, well-being and confidence, you'd be a good example of
his abilities this week. You're alert, expressive, well-adjusted
and horny. "Sure thing," your body seems to exclaim.
"Let's do that again! Great job! Super! I am unique, and you are
too! Let's stick things in each other and feel happy feelings!"
Now, go outside and have fun, kids!
Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You may feel like you're coming out of a daze from last week, but this week will be a good one, Friday the 13th be damned. You'll be in a great mood by Tuesday. You might not think of
this as a great day to meet people and charm them into your open arms,
but Tuesdays are pretty hot, actually. I've seen all sorts of
people getting very jazzed up and looking very cute on Tuesdays
of late. As far as hooking up goes, the weekend looks even better. But
watch your wallet on Sunday.
Pisces
(Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
You may feel like keeping it in the family this week, perhaps have a few too many beers with third cousin Ronnie or
get hot and bothered by Nabokov's Ada, or Ardor, which is about a brother/sister romance. I won't be the one to tell you not to get with them — I shall refrain from using
"family get-together" puns — although you may have to make some
concessions to proper society as the
weekend, particularly Sunday, approaches.
