Dating Confessions by You "I'm wearing sexy underwear while talking to you online so that I feel confident enough to tell you that I'm into you."
Scanner by Emily Farris Today on Nerve's culture blog: We bring you more Dita Von Teese from the German Playboy.
Screengrab by Various Today in Nerve's film blog: Holiday special - 35 people, places and movies we're thankful for.
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Michael Phelps indulges Anderson Cooper in some watersports and Dexter makes a 'bitch move.' Plus: the secret of Tina Fey's scar, revealed!
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You furrowed your brow when Taylor Hicks won American Idol. Likewise, you confess bafflement at the popularity of cumswapping. The good news is, these sorts of trends have a tendency to come and go with great speed, so tough it out and await the next one. It's sure to be better than either gray-haired goobers or second hand semen.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
You've experienced overly aggressive bedroom behavior before. Someone seems wild and sexy, and then they get up on you, thrashing and wheezing until their face begins to distort into a demonic mask as they come all over your Egyptian cotton pillowcases. Keep this experience in mind, because this week, this person is you. Being a lip-smacking sexual predator isn't necessarily a bad thing, but make sure you aren't flopping about so hard that it results in an embarrassing trip to the doctor.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
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I like Kelis, but something's missing. I was pleasantly surprised by her first single, and I even defended that "Milkshake" track and the ridiculous video for her new song, "Bossy." Upon reflection, however, I always find she's not that exciting, that it's all flash and parlor tricks. This will resemble your sex life this week. Experiences that initially seem great will leave you with a feeling of nagging incompleteness. Use the increased insight you'll develop midweek to figure out whether this is just neuroses or a genuine problem with your lover's milkshake.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Your associations with people will suffer ups and downs this week, leading you to tinker with your social life. Try to keep a cool head and stand still. Everyone else is feeling just as shaken as you are, and your steadiness may be exactly the rock they need to tie their boats to. While they're hitched to your mooring, let them bounce and sway as much as they like.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
You'll have a Cecil B. DeMille-esque sexual appetite this week. You'll act religious and reflective, but mostly this is just an excuse to juxtapose symbols of piety and purity with lesbian milk baths. It's great to be able to see the operatic in normally routine occurrences. Just don't follow DeMille into his later career, with increasing rectitude and schmaltzy, sexless religious epics. Maintain your depravity, whatever you do!
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
You'll set boundaries for yourself this week. No arbitrary Jackson Pollock are you, letting paint pile up to whatever height while allowing all sorts of nails and pennies to get mixed in. You'll carefully flatten your masterpiece with newsprint like a de Kooning. Some will scoff at your self-imposed limitations, but restraint often leads to greater freedom and creativity. You may not be remembered as the guy who tore bathroom doors off their hinges, but you'll live longer for it.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Like a Marine Corps TV ad, your sex life will be fantastically exhilarating this week. Scaling greenish glowing cliffs right under a sexy soldier who happens to be going commando, not asking and not telling anyone about that fake-asleep mutual handjob that, uh, never happened last night. Never mind that there's no real enemy or excitement in your Gamecube-centric life. It's merely the fantasy you'll crave.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You'll be forced to confront your own hagiography this week. I, too, have participated in the soft-focus nostalgia for Elton John songs, but then I bought one of his old albums and the songs are, like, a hundred minutes too long. Something you've been mindlessly praising — an ex-lover's sexual prowess, the hotness of '70s porn — wasn't really as great as you're making it out to be. Don't be afraid to change your opinions in the face of contradictory evidence.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
After watching an old Kate Bush video, I think there must be something to that notion of wide-open eyes alternately terrifying people (like ancient warrior masks) and turning them on. You'll experience primordial attraction and repulsion this week, pegged to something you can't quite identify. Don't fight these atavistic urges. Sex with someone you're periodically repulsed by is totally normal.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Frankly, I'm baffled by Leonard Cohen. What kind of music is that? All those central-casting backup singers and Miami Vice music makes him an island unto himself, if you ask me. Like Leonard, this week you'll allude to obscure monkeys, vague cold-war-era political issues, and (I think, but I can't be sure) oral sex as sacrament. In other words, you'll be difficult, and potential sex partners may be turned off. Look at this as a sieve for filtering out anyone less profound than you are.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Being easygoing won't win the week. Others will appreciate your perspective if you stick with it in the face of contrasting opinions, so don't be too quick to concede defeat. And don't worry about growing angry — if you happen to blow a fuse, invite those who disagree with you for a grope in the dark and everyone is sure to find common ground.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
If Mr. Rogers gave sex advice, you'd be a good example of his skills this week. You're chipper, alert, expressive, well-adjusted and totally horny. Your gentle voice and downy cardigans instill a sense of sexual happiness and confidence in those around you. Your body seems to exclaim, "Let's do that again! I'm unique and you are too!" Just don't let the pluckiness get out of hand.
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
