61 Frames Per Second by John Constantine Today in Nerve's videogame blog: Street Fighter. The movie. A new one. With that chick from that Superman show. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Mad Men's January Jones struts her stuff in Vanity Fair. Plus: Damages returns, the latest Gossip Girl guest star and Donna Martin capitulates.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Venus will be moving into your sign this week, Leo, and that means this is an excellent time to grab your canteen, flashlight and bullwhip, and get your explorer on! New people and new things are waiting for you, and you won't even have to face down diabolical Communist plots to get to them. But where to meet these new people? You could always try online dating if you haven't already (only slightly less diabolical than the Commies, we swear). But what about the new things? Will it be a class in juggling? Impulse-buying a kayak? Learning Hindi? These things all sound great, of course, but why not take a cue from Willow, our favorite lesbian witch? As she once said, "Hands! Hands in new places!" Take that advice and we're sure you can't go wrong.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
You can trick your shrink or your lover, but you just can't fool the heavenly bodies: they know your dirty, delicious sex secrets. Rather than becoming a born-again virgin, or compulsively chronicling which celebrities have bangs at any given moment to assuage your guilt, why not go with the flow and actually do what you want to do this week? However uninhibited you fancy yourself, you've definitely got a kink or two that you've left unkinked, and eclipses are all about that Y tu mamá también stuff.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Fate has a cruel way of forcing you to come to grips with the things you hate the most: you've bitched for years that Garfield is the worst comic ever, but Jupiter's opposition to Venus will turn you into Garfield this week. You might not realize it, but your quick naps will become drawn-out stupors, your snacks will turn into horrifying binges and your attempted wisecracks will be anything but. Everyone has their slumps — just keep your fingers crossed and pray that a Ziggy week isn't anywhere on the horizon.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
The stars know that you, like Elvis Costello, aren't the biggest fan of the working week: typically, you know it don't thrill you and hope it don't kill you. Which is why this week's turn of events, courtesy of the lunar eclipse, will be as indulgent as ex sex and as welcome-yet-unexpected as round after round of Maker's Mark on the house. Expect a big bonus, thrilling projects and/or hoity-toity job offers, even if you're but a lowly art handler. If you're a cigar-chomping CEO, you will be chomping fancier and more enviable cigars in no time. If you're Elvis Costello, why don't you go brilliantly reinvent a new genre or something?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
We know it's been a tough week. You're facing eviction from hipster town because your parents cut the cord, and you might have to give up your dream of being a famous bicycle messenger/ukulele artist. "We had all of our stock in Fannie May," they tell you, and you wonder, is the economy really that bad that everyone has stopped eating candy? And to boot, they've rented out your old room in the basement. Don't worry; Venus is moving into Leo, which should bring you good luck finding a new place. Just a small suggestion: goodbye Whole Foods, hello Halal.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
The total eclipse of the sun to start August will confuse the spirit of Bonnie Tyler and conjure a total eclipse of the heart. And so, yes, this starts one of those times where "every now and then you'll fall apart" faster than the suddenly conservative Obama campaign reacting to the New Yorker cartoon. Try to keep it together; don't start seeing personal swipes in old Peanuts cartoons. You may be bald and white, but that's Charlie Brown; not you or John McCain.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
As Venus simultaneously moves into your seventh house of close relationships, you will have to decide if you should stay or if you should go. If you choose to go the way of Kristy and throw your Tila Tequila curbside, try to be nice about it — karma isn't a myth. If you stick with your bitch, consider no longer using condoms — as of this week, you're out of the danger zone health-wise! Don't get too wrapped up in your personal life though, the stars say it could be a business relationship and not a romantic one that is affected. Or, if you're sleeping around the office, maybe both!
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Hope you enjoyed July, Pisces, because it's time for you to put away that bottle of whiskey, stop jerking off to crappy reality television and get back to work. We know New York Goes to Hollywood is coming out, and she's got fun boobies to look at, but seriously. The moon is in Taurus, and that means you've got to catch up on all that slacking you've been doing. So get back to using your laptop and high-speed internet connection for less pervy pursuits, and finish up that statistical report/proposal/grad-school application like you've been meaning to. Don't worry, you'll get back to partying like a rock star soon enough, and when you do, call us. We too like whiskey.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
We hate being the bearer of bad news, but Jupiter reigning over your ninth house this week indicates a terrible week ahead. There's not much advice we can give you, because we just can't compete with planetary powers. We recommend you avoid leaving your home (you might be hit by a bus or struck by lightning) and avoid eating meat or vegetables (you might contract mad cow disease or salmonella). Since you're exerting a lot of negative energy, chances are you'll aggravate everyone around you. Don't be surprised if you are suddenly egged on your way to work. Shit happens, and this week shit's gonna hit the fan. Learn to live with it, and you'll be a stronger person. Good luck!
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You are such a slut these days, Taurus. Don't be ashamed though: we say that in a good way. We think it's great that you've been playing the field and spreading your legs for anyone who crosses your path (your gardener, your professor, your mom, your neighbor's poodle). But while you're having a great time screwing anything with functional genitalia, the movement of Jupiter into your fourth house this week indicates a sudden decline in your health. We suggest you stop being such a whore for a day, and give that twat (or wang) a breather. If you don't, you might catch a mild case of syphilis or a UTI. So withdraw for a day or two, get a check up and please clean your sheets.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21) Mercury and Venus are in a unique relationship this week, Gemini, and we think it's the perfect time for you to find that one thing we know you've always wanted: a sugar daddy. But don't worry – the time has passed when you had to be a naïve-but-willing twenty-something ingénue to get your own personal Daddy Warbucks. (We sincerely apologize for that reference, and we are as grossed out as you are. We will leave Annie alone from now on.) Now there are many different titles to choose from: "pool boy," "live-in maid," and "model/actress" are just a few! We're not saying it's a permanent solution to your cripplingly high rent, but why not try it out for a summer? You have nothing to lose but your debt.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
You're in luck, Cancer, because you've got something playing your favor that's way more important than the sun, Venus, your tenth house, or any combination of astrological bodies. You share a birth month with Angelina and Brad's twins – comparable to being born on Christmas Day, really. And, like Knox and Vivienne (we're not sold on his name yet, but hers is fantastic), you will be the center of attention this week, for better or worse. So maybe Us won't be buying pictures of you for the equivalent of a small country's GDP, but you should still try to make the best of this situation. Put on those tight jeans, or your favorite low-cut top, or the shirt that really shows off your biceps. If you've got it, now is the time to flaunt it.
