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SEPT.
19-25
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Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Dating exclusively attractive people has served you
well, but some of the best food in the world lives under rocks or lurks
forgotten at the back of the fridge. Likewise, some rather interesting folk
— bug-eyed, snaggle-toothed and distinctly lacking in exposure to
sunlight — are hovering at the margins of your life. Seek them out this week, especially on Wednesday. Sunday will be a great day for
serious thinking, so if you haven't yet found that secretly hot frog to kiss, use the extra brain
power to put the search in high gear. |
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Libra
(Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Usually, you're the one doing all
the work and obsessing over the needs of others. Not this
week, as your attention turns toward yourself. It's about time.
You'll have plenty of revelations about your life and work, especially on Wednesday. And a little extra attention to your John Thomas or Lady Jane (blame D.H. Lawrence) never hurt anybody. |
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Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
All that bukkake wears on a person. Your over-sexed life (or
imagination) will be in need of rest this week. Particularly on Monday, your
crotch will have little bags under its eyes and will yawn with great regularity.
This may lead you to be more morbid than usual, which is fine. But when you start listening to Nick Drake's version of "Suicide Is Painless" on repeat mid-week, it may freak people out, so reassure loved ones that you aren't a danger to yourself. |
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Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
After some recent annoyances, there is a sudden break in the clouds this
week. Things suddenly become like a music video, with the people around you tightly choreographed. Everyone you know will suddenly be on the same or similar pages. Now might be a
good time to introduce some of your friends to each other. Don't be surprised if this leads
to some sparks among the group. Just make sure to stick close to
the sexual energy and make sure you reap its benefits! |
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Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Here you are, trying to bestow your copious sexual bounty on
the needy, and someone's greedily tugging on your sleeve, discouraging your
charity and seeking to block your efforts. Your feud with this nag will reach a crisis point on Wednesday, but Friday's infusion of understanding
will help get them out of your way so you can get on with that important sexual recovery work.
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Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Your compassion and empathy backfires this week, as people take advantage of your openness and confide the details of their vaginal/penile infections. But don't worry. By the weekend, you will be able to tune out the graphic information you've been fed all week, and will find a certain very impressive someone who will help you see the humor in your friends' confessions. |
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Pisces
(Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Ah, the quiet life! To be left to one's extensive collection of
sexual devices! It looks like you'll be on your own this week, but that will be a good thing. Right around Thursday, you'll start to notice that a few nights of reflection have ushered in a real change in how you think about relationships and sex. Hold onto these epiphanies. They'll serve you well when you start getting out more.
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Aries
(Mar. 21-Apr.
19)
Here are a few not-quite-attractive analogies for you this week. You begin
easily distracted, like Mr. Peepers, the manic, panting monkey character played by
Chris Kattan on SNL some years back. But a sudden bout of
intense focus soon after the beginning of the week makes you more like a one-year-old baby: prone to languidly examining an empty plastic bag for hours on end. The good news is that both these phases involve large
quantities of drool, which will come in handy sexually. |
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Taurus
(Apr. 20-May 20)
It's hard to know whom to trust. For example, when someone you just got a pearl necklace from in the bar bathroom says, "Can you loan me $100? In cash. Like, by five o'clock today?" that's probably a bad idea. Unless it's
a real pearl necklace and not the sticky kind. But even then, it pays to go
with your instincts. People will be asking you for absurd things toward the end of the week. Some will be legitimate, but most will be really creepy. You have the stars' permission to firmly say no, and move to the next stall. |
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Gemini
(May 21-Jun.
21)
You're not much for work this week. All you want to do is go
swim in the creek, play marbles and maybe get into a scuffle with some
high-collared boy before falling in love with a girl with a great name like
Becky. Piles of work and obligations seem to threaten your hopes for gleeful
skinny dipping, however. This means that you'll need some Tom Sawyer-ish
innovations, along the lines of tricking kids into white-washing your aunt's fence
for you. Luckily, Thursday promises a jump in your creativity and popularity, which could mean a blur of discarded
straw hats and embroidered pantalettes down by the Big River. |
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Cancer
(June 21-July 21)
Either you or someone special in your life is prone to extreme snippiness this week. Comments like "Whatever. Ladytron is just
the Cranberries and I didn't like them the first time around. A few bloops
and bleeps do not a modern band make" will start to grate on you by Wednesday, even if you're the one making them. The fact that one can get away with
such non sequiturs just because they are framed as wit is, after all, disheartening. The best thing to do is to just suck it up, put
your eyeballs back in your head and try not to be so outraged by cultural detritus. If it's someone else doing the sniping, quiet them by putting something fleshy in their mouth. |
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Leo
(July 22-Aug. 22)
Not all problems are the major deals you've been making them into and not everyone is out to get you. Take advantage of your heightened sensitivity and tact this week — take care of what you can take care of and let the rest go.
Be magnanimous instead of playing the martyr. Save the religious persecution for when you're playing games like "The (Butt-Naked) Passion of Saint Catherine of Siena." |
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