Libra
(Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
You may not have noticed it before, but a lot of the things you do are based on conventions — standing around at parties, nodding in agreement with people over things you've never fully considered. That's Katie Couric behavior, and it will never get you laid. But this week (Wednesday, in particular) will bring enlightenment. Your opinions will get some much-needed stretching, opening the door for all sorts of new experiences. Just be sure to use your newfound intellect for good and not for evil.
Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
There's a solar eclipse this week, and we all know what that means. Time for some sleuthing! Look for opportunities to investigate things, like the Mystery of the Skidmarked Underpants, or What's That Fish Smell? This seems like the kind of detecting that'll be right up your alley, and the stars indicate that you'll need a partner—a Sally to your Encyclopedia Brown. But remember, tell her only what she needs to know. Sally is a slut, and not to be trusted.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You're really perceptive and somewhat devastating, just like a Dawn Powell novel. But this week, you'll be somewhat removed, coolly observing the slander and soap opera whirling around you. Try to realize that you can stay in this mix—even with your infamous need for attention—if you'll check your pride and pettiness a bit. Those traits will only suck you into the social carnage that surrounds you.
Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Like a hyperactive little cartoon bulldog, a friend is directing one hundred percent of his energy at you this week, yapping and jumping and wagging his tail, while you, the barrel-chested adult bulldog in the porkpie hat, are chomping on an unlit cigar and trying your best to pretend that the little brat doesn't exist. So why not punt him to the moon? Because if you've seen this cartoon before, you know that this irritating little puppy will somehow come in handy this week, probably in the most unexpected of ways. Perhaps you could dress him up in a bonnet, stick a pacifier in his mouth, and put him in a stroller, all in the name of impressing that tarty little bichon frise in the next yard over. She loves guys who are good with kids.
Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You'll set out to make discoveries this week, you brilliant, nonspecific scientist, you. Perhaps you'll open your shirt a few buttons, don a Panama hat and venture in search of Bigfoot. And by Bigfoot, I mean some large, furry beast to maul you under the jungle canopy. But as this experience fades into the past, even you may begin to doubt whether it ever really happened. But if it never happened, where did those scratches on your inner thigh come from? And who's that hairy guy in the kitchen drinking all your grape juice?
Pisces
(Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week, it's like you're bursting into an interrogation room à la Lenny Briscoe. Quick-witted and smartly dressed, you'll render cops, perps, even oily defense attorneys speechless with your very presence. Take advantage of your newfound negotiating skills and sense of authority to get what you need, even if that means shaking down some sassy broad in the backroom of a speakeasy. She's willing to talk—she just don't know it yet.
Aries
(Mar. 21-Apr.
19)
Not that you should ever rely purely on luck, but now is a great time to follow Hansel and Gretel down that dark, scary path, the one whose endpoint you've always been curious about. It's not so much a matter of luck as it is simply being brave and making choices. So leave a trail of breadcrumbs and walk toward that new job/apartment/relationship you've been thinking about. If you don't like what's at the other end, you can always push your new boss/landlord/significant other into the oven and set it for broil.
Taurus
(Apr. 20-May 20)
Seized by Stuart Smalley-like optimism this week, you may find yourself whistling Herb Alpert songs, greeting strangers with a friendly ass grab and waking early to see the sun come up. So why are you fighting it? Feed ice cream to infants! Learn the kazoo! Dig out all your pastel-colored polyesther pantsuits and fling yourself into fully positive, outgoing, borderline-maniacal cheer! Everyone loves a person like that!
Gemini
(May 21-Jun.
21)
This seems like a good week for you to have one of those confusing, sullen love affairs, like the kind you might find in a Charlie Kaufman film featuring an extroverted young girl and a former jokester making a go at serious acting. Deep connections and improbable circumstances will conspire to give you a nice, simple, infinitely memorable experience. Not only that, but other people close to you will fall for each other as well, which may leave you a little blissed-out by Wednesday. By the time the weekend rolls around, you'll be feeling the world is your oyster! Just try to keep in mind that these things never end well.
Cancer
(June 21-July 21)
I think it was Woody Allen who said that eighty percent of life is just showing up. This week has several good days in store if you can manage to do just that. Days of people tearing your clothes off, making you laugh, giving you raises — just arrive at the door with a bottle of booze, a positive outlook and a smile, and even you can't screw this week up. Simple as that.
promotion
Leo
(July 22-Aug. 22)
You haven't exactly been striking while the iron is hot lately, now have you? As the week begins, admissions of longtime desires for particular (and in some states, illegal) sex acts will start to spill out of you as if you were Jack Nicholson being questioned about whether you ordered a code red. You're damn right you did! Now that that's out in the open, why not engage in that little perversion you've been secretly mulling? You know, the one with the pigeons and the poppy-seed bagels? Just steer clear of Kansas and Iowa while you're doing it.
Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
This week, you're a juggernaut. You crash through walls like Howard the Duck in that armchair scene. The only problem is that some people don't like to see you at the top of your game. It makes them insecure. So don't be surprised if some fairly surreal arguments erupt toward week's end — arguments which, while fairly obviously rooted in garden-variety jealousy, could still cramp your style. Don't let them. You're the eye of the tiger.
