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OCT.
17-23
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Libra
(Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
What was his name? It starts with...B. You're pretty sure. Bernie? Benny? It was B-e-something. Bert? And then there was that second-cousin at the family reunion. Was it...Phil? C'mon! No one wants their cock squeezed by someone who can't even remember the first name of the person attached to it, which means all those Kegel crunches will be rendered useless if you don't start keeping your tricks' names straight. For the sake of everyone's dignity, give your pubococcygeals a rest this week and exercise your memory instead. By Friday, you'll be able to name your tricks, all forty-three presidents and the state capitals — and you'll be able to pick up a Coke bottle without using your hands.
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Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Someone's got your back this week, a straight-shooting, by-the-book, Roger Murtaugh cop type. This is good news indeed, as your reckless, feral Sgt. Riggs will be getting into all sorts of improbable jams, constantly in need of backup and a few extra bullets. But while you're on stakeout together, huddled behind an oil drum in a steamy mob warehouse, just remember that a cop's partner can be only that — nothing more. You may be the type to violate every regulation in the book, but violate your partner, and the captain will have you handing out parking citations to old ladies in Burbank.
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Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The typical Monday blahs will be abruptly expunged by a shimmering, glistening apparition that will make you fall to your knees and drink of its holy enlightenment. This is the beginning of a quest bestowed upon you by Saint Sexus. Your journey will begin with awakening, lead to humility and, eventually, end in climax as you learn that the flesh, while willing, is transient. Prepare for your spiritual visitation by rinsing with mouthwash and shaving. |
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Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You're blessed with Norma Foerderer-grade efficiency this week. Bills: paid. Hard drive: defragged. Exactly forty-two strokes of the hairbrush on the left buttock, exactly forty-two strokes on the right. Over the weekend, you should allow yourself to relax just a bit, let everything get a little messy — messy in the Monica Lewinsky sense. Leave balancing the checkbook for later, break out the Cubans, grab your boss and give him some executive assistance.
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Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Speaking of Monica, why did everyone feel the need to go on and on about her physical shortfalls? She's very fetching! I remember I was at a party with her once and she spilled a little Kahlua on her dress. "That's nothing," she laughed. "Once, the President of the United States sprayed sperm all over me and I didn't even do a wash!" What a free spirit! I wouldn't mind having sexual relations with that woman. You may, like me, find you're an isolated island of opinion this week. Take advantage of your iconoclasm and hit on the ugliest person in the room. |
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Pisces
(Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
I'd think twice about purchasing that long-vacant beachfront property this week if I were you. Someone's trying to sell you a lemon, and if you're dumb enough to take it, all of that citrus is going to lead to some dreadful acid reflux. The world thinks you're gullible, and you've given it every reason to believe that it's right. This week is your chance to keep on your toes and finally put that fibber's nose — the one that's growing ever longer and harder — in its place.
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Aries
(Mar. 21-Apr.
19)
You have a tendency to think everyone's out to get you, but in reality, no one can be bothered. This fear is merely a delusion of grandeur, a way of making yourself feel like a critical player, like Howard Hughes. He had this problem, too. The difference is that Howard Hughes was a wealthy eccentric with global name recognition, while hardly anyone knows you exist. Monday's partial lunar eclipse will snap you out of this chronic state of defensiveness and help you see that your anonymity insulates you from harm, as well as from sex, companionship and financial gain.
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Taurus
(Apr. 20-May 20)
You're getting so big, spiritually speaking. All that yoga, Enya and organic food has finally paid off, and now you're officially in touch with the ether of the cosmos. Things deep inside you will begin crying out for change, and those mystical glands that squirt juices of wellness, balance and sexual fulfillment will be newly stimulated. Rebuff a brief bout of midweek irritability — it's just growing pains.
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Gemini
(May 21-Jun.
21)
We all love the sardonic and loquacious observations of Evelyn Waugh, but as charming as your airy cynicism has been these past few weeks, perhaps a bit more straightforwardness is in order. Waugh's early homosexual tendencies were believed to be a product of Britain's all-male university system, and it's well known that Waugh, while a gifted author in many respects, wrote hopelessly arid sex scenes. Lose the elaborate, coy flirtations and droll, chuckle-fed come-ons, and simply say to the object of your desire, "Let us fuck each other. Now." If Decline and Fall taught us anything, its that youth is fleeting and time's a-wasting. |
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Cancer
(June 21-July 21)
One time, in college, I was part of a group project. Everything seemed to be going just fine, until suddenly we realized that when our project was finished, it was going to be boring and stupid. The one person in our group whom I found attractive suggested we start from scratch, but everyone else wanted to keep moving forward. I sided with the group out of laziness or fear. We ended up getting a C, and that sexy student and I never got off together. My point? Your plan is going nowhere, so ditch it! Take it down to the river, tie it to a rock with a thick length of twine and toss it right in. No one ever got bedded through groupthink. Look at the Incas! Terrible lovers!
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Leo
(July 22-Aug. 22)
Cuddly, hairy and bursting with sunshine, you'll be like old Bread songs this week. The world will be one big patchouli-scented good-times van, and you'll be bubbly and slathered in love-sweat. As always, there will be some bumps on the road to snuggle-love (most of them occurring around Tuesday) as people with brown auras harsh on your buzz. Ignore them. By the time you pull into Blissville you'll be feeling pretty groovy and rolling in Navajo blankets.
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Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
This week, you may notice yourself complaining about how everyone around you complains all the time. See how that works? You think everyone else is snippy when, in fact, you're contributing to the snippy cycle just by talking about it. Thursday will bring an end to this degenerating tailspin of snippery: you'll gripe yourself right into a compromising position with an amateur critic who thinks Gas Van Sant is overrated.
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