Dating Confessions by You "I'm wearing sexy underwear while talking to you online so that I feel confident enough to tell you that I'm into you."
Scanner by Emily Farris Today on Nerve's culture blog: We bring you more Dita Von Teese from the German Playboy.
Screengrab by Various Today in Nerve's film blog: Holiday special - 35 people, places and movies we're thankful for.
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Michael Phelps indulges Anderson Cooper in some watersports and Dexter makes a 'bitch move.' Plus: the secret of Tina Fey's scar, revealed!
Libra
(Sept. 22-Oct. 22) Dear Diary: Last night I smooched the cutest boy in the whole ninth grade!!! He's so dreamy! I'm going to marry him!!! And I'm not even going tell you who he is!!! Like the precocious teenage tart described here, this week you'll be obsessed with privacy to the point of keeping secrets from inanimate objects and sticking strictly to anonymous — and preferably blindfolded — sex. But how long do you really think you can keep your secret dalliances under wraps? By Friday, they'll be spelled out in forty-point Impact font on Drudge Report. Nip the rumors in the bud by putting all the nasty little details out there yourself.
Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Your life will feel like in an improv comedy sketch this week, with strangers spontaneously tossing you Jeff Stryker dildos with RealFeel testes and — quick! Come up with a gag! You've never been a quick thinker, but this is your chance to change. Hone your ability to think on your feet by studying some episodes of Whose Line Is It Anyway?, then find an equally witty sexpot who can think on their back.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Like rampant urban planner Robert Moses, you'll have grand schemes for getting people into your bed more efficiently, cleanly, and in more modern fashion than ever before. You may have to railroad a few local exes and force thousands of impoverished one-night stands from their homes, but by God, you've got a dream! A great, big, soggy wet dream! But your ever-grander visions will begin to chafe the real world by Saturday, when the fragile emotions of all those people you've brushed aside in your relentless pursuit of a Cross-Ass Expressway begin to fray. Recognize early in the week that building alliances makes for great orgies, while unilateral behavior leads only to solo stimulation.
Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week, get in touch with something. Perhaps your cultural side: the opera, the Met, or the guy who drums on buckets with yardsticks in the subway. Or maybe your spiritual side: until you've checked out Catholic mass on Wacky Wednesday, you really haven't lived! But if we know you — and we're fairly sure we do — it'll be your devilish side you'll bone up on. Dress up in a big, hulking Frankenstein costume and make your bride's hair stand on end.
Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You have a tendency to be a bit twee, which makes you come off like Modern Lovers-era Jonathan Richman. Which is great, actually, except that starting on Wednesday, you'll be the other, slightly older and more schmaltzy Jonathan Richman, the one who wrote lyrics like "My love is a flower just beginning to bloom, like those things from your garden that spring from the gloom." Your first instinct will be to run from your new, sunnier self, but stop! Why be hardened by this ever-shifting, cynical age? Maintain your valiant sense of cuddliness! Rent Forrest Gump and masturbate to it! Pretend it's 1979 and that songs about flowers and gardens can still sell!
Pisces
(Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Someone this week will whisper eleven horrifying words into your ear mid-coitus. These could be, "This is the most fertile I've felt in a really long time," or "Ignore that itching sensation you'll feel the day after tomorrow. It's temporary." Things that will make you go soft but quick. In fact, throughout the week, people very close to you will be offering assessments that will sound a little freaky. Luckily, you'll also be adept at navigating awkward situations this week, Friday in particular. Have some snappy, arousal-maintaining responses at the ready.
Aries
(Mar. 21-Apr.
19)
In the past, you've been openly derided by a partner's friend. They greeted you with surliness, but you, utilizing your coy and irresistible wiles, eventually charmed them with your inimitable appeal. You'll seek opportunities to win over reluctant people this week, and you won't have to wait long, because they'll present themselves in abundance after Tuesday. Pull your Miss Manners abilities to the forefront.
Taurus
(Apr. 20-May 20)
You have an overwhelming desire to socialize this week, and you'll invite the whole gang over for apple-bobbing and scary treats on Tuesday. What a party! Eh? What's that? Halloween was yesterday? Oh. Heh heh. This week, urges toward social exuberance will clash with a tendency to be slightly, as Entertainment Weekly would say, five minutes ago. Luckily, you'll meet someone on Wednesday who is similarly undaunted by being out of sync, someone who will want to book you for a private costume party where the theme is au naturale.
Gemini
(May 21-Jun.
21)
This week, you'll be all about takin' it greasy. Let your body hair flourish. Tune into bands who've recently been rediscovered by music-store clerks in places like Ann Arbor and Portland. Loll in the murky, sensuous pleasure of languid frottage at a local concert, and give in, turn on, and drop out of your old, job-oriented, killjoy self. By the week's end, some similarly nasty, unbathed indie enthusiast will be sharing the backseat of your trash-ridden '86 Ford Fiesta, and you'll be well on your way to odorific sexual splendor.
Cancer
(June 21-July 21)
People who normally annoy the shit out of you will, for some reason, seem okay this week. Something in the air awakens you to the pointlessness of your usual fisticuffs. You may feel the urge to take this to the next level and remove these annoying people's pants, but beware: this spell of good nature will start to fade by Wednesday, which means you may wake up next to someone you've unwittingly smothered with a pillow in your sleep.
promotion
Leo
(July 22-Aug. 22)
"Just got paid, Friday ni-hight! Party hearty, feelin' ri-hight!" Like that song by no one in particular from the '80s, there you'll be this week, bouncing down the street, pocket full of Lincolns, ready to throw down some cash and make some grade-A revelry. This desire to get a little nuts only intensifies as the week goes on. Plan ahead by saving some of that cash for important things, like your Viagra refill. You're not as young as you were when you first heard that song.
Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Don't be surprised to see about a thousand Craigslist "missed connections" ads referring to you this week. You'll notice people on the street, on the train, and in your office sneaking glances at you and taking detailed notes on the color of your pants and what toppings you have on your pizza. Sure, a small handful of these trenchcoat-clad, shifty motherfuckers work for the White House, but is that any reason not to get busy with them? The fact that they could legally kill you is what makes it hot.
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
