61 Frames Per Second by John Constantine Today in Nerve's videogame blog: Friedrich Nietzsche, River City Ransom, angry nerds, and the horrors of time. So, you know, business as usual.
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Veronica Mars returns (maybe), RuPaul is haunting us (definitely), and the Dexter "Pscyho Therapy" quiz (creepy.)
Libra
(Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
There you are, brow furrowed, a rosy blush appearing on your chest, right on the verge of le petit morte when suddenly your partner cries out, "Your mom's birthday! Pete Rose using the bathroom!" and your love muscle goes soft. This sort of unforeseen thwarting will occur several times this week — often from those who are typically on your side. You may not be able to ignore their come-blocking, but do try to roll with the punches despite their need to ruin a good time.
Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week, like a drifter making your way across the seedy Midwest, you'll be on the prowl. Dairy Queen parking lots, JCPenney dressing rooms, Cracker Barrel tchotchke shops — you'll find that the lipstick-smeared teeth of that platinum-haired cashier will turn you on rather than away. You might even stick up a Piggly Wiggly and abscond with a bag full of twenties and a buxom, bouffant-crowned hostage. Just watch out for Wednesday, when a deputy sheriff named Strother will pull you over for expired tags and rectify your failure to communicate.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You place far too much weight on first impressions, rejecting perfectly good lovers simply because of a little staph infection that, with a couple of doses of antibiotics, could be cleared up by the weekend. This week, you'll find yourself confronted by both the instantly likable and the grow-on-you-like-mossable. Consider which impression you put more stock in, lest you find yourself left with no impressions at all.
Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Male professional skiers are urged not to ejaculate for forty-eight hours before a race, for fear that their energy and focus will end up in a sticky old gym sock rather than on the slope. Perhaps your thrice-a-day routine is becoming a bit much, because this week your usual verve will be replaced by a crushing sense of malaise. You'll watch the director's commentary section of your Uncle Buck DVD. You'll feed your cat gefilte fish because the jar is easier to open than the can of Fancy Feast. Spend the week rejuvenating: do a little yoga, swallow a little ginseng, and keep your hands idle till the weekend.
Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
All that horny energy you've been expending on filthy plots and schemes will begin to catch up with you this week. You may wake up one morning to find an angry man with a baseball bat standing over you and his ravished wife. No need to fight your natural urges. Just use a little care. Staying in for the day to get busy with your supervisor's boyfriend? Rig up a Ferris Bueller-like contraption to tell people at the front door you're sick via looped cassette tape.
Pisces
(Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
What's the name of that historical figure who's renowned for his patience and calm? Ben Franklin? No. Oh, come on, what's his damn name? It's...it's...arrrgh! Shit! I can't fucking remember! Efforts on your part to try a little patience, as Axl Rose once recommended, will quickly disintegrate into frustration, but Thursday will bring someone into your orbit whose monk-like tranquility will rub off. Just don't get fed up with them before they have a chance to do the rubbing.
Aries
(Mar. 21-Apr.
19)
Normally you wield great influence over people, but this week you'll meet someone who plays the game just as well as you do. On Monday, this person will resist your carefully calibrated plans. Are they stronger-willed than you are? Will you relinquish the dominant position? A contest of wills is in store! Nothing's as sexy as interpersonal psychological conflict. Take that mental struggle of minds into the bedroom and manifest it with a nude pillow fight.
Taurus
(Apr. 20-May 20)
This week will be a peculiar one, but the shade of peculiarity will be entirely up to you. Whether it's oiling up and pressing together someone's knees and engaging in a knee-fuck, or tying your partner's wrists together with link sausage and then eating them free, you'll have a chance to do many things with a wide range of up-for-anything characters around you. Take full advantage of the time you have with them. By next week, such idiosyncratic behavior will be greeted with rolled eyes, harumphs and occasionally, screaming.
Gemini
(May 21-Jun.
21)
What push-and-pull this week will contain! On Monday, someone will mess with your head. Tuesday will be one, big kinky romp and a roll in the sack with the partner of your dreams. On Wednesday, things become tense and discomfiting, but by Thursday life will be one, long hysterical sitcom again. Try to stay above the fray. Though the week may be schizophrenic, you won't be — as long as you roll with the punches.
Cancer
(June 21-July 21)
Familiarity has bred contempt. The habit of removing your clothes around those closest to you will not be the ideal course of action this week. Take some time off from spending every waking moment with the same old friends and lovers and take a gander at what else is going on about town. "Getting some strange" is what people in my high school used to call it, which, while patently lame terminology, has a bit of truth to it. Some strangers might be just what the doctor ordered.
promotion
Leo
(July 22-Aug. 22)
Your name will be Elizabeth Taylor this week. You'll inspire lots of giant adjectives like Dazzling! Classy! Sexy! Sassy! Little sparkles will glint off your diamonds, blinding those around you nearly as often as your beauty does. It'll be intoxicating, but don't get so drunk on your fabulousness that by Thursday you're physically shoving people out doors, as Ms. Taylor is said to have done at the end of one particular party. There are limits to superstardom, so pace yourself — you've got five more marriages and several more perfume lines to market before you're dead.
Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
People will be harping on you this week, and you're in dire need of indulgence. Your husband says you need to use coffee filters twice and not toss away even the smallest bits of food. Fuck him. When he's on the way to the office, run to the mall and drop a couple thousand bucks on something daring. Then dash back home and order pizza, milk and the daily paper, and jump all three deliverymen at once.
