The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Today on Nerve's TV blog: Dance, Hipster, Dance! Plus: our latest NewsCrush — and why one army brat is breaking up with Army Wives.
REGULARS
posted 11/14/2005
NOV.
14-20
Libra
(Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
The fact that he puts sparkles in your eyes whenever he's around makes up for the fact that he's a complete liar. Sure, those stories he tells about his sexploits with Karen O. in the janitor's closet at Hebrew school are obviously bollocks, but his delivery has such pizzazz! Dirty bon mots about smooches with braces in the back seats of Volkswagens and suprisingly large amounts of semen — you'll get plenty of pleasure out of this dubious person this week if you can suppress your need for honesty. Sometimes a little Vaseline on the lens of the truth can be fun.
Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You stand in crowded parties and make petty comments about people who try to nudge past you to meet famous people. This, while people with real problems still manage to be cheerful and generous. You need some perspective to rectify your trite behavior. This week, start small: buy a boysenberry pie at the farmer's market and split it with a cute stranger Then work your way up to an even bigger heart: give non-reciprocal oral! Trying to become a giving person all at once will just overwhelm you and make you yearn for your snide-comment-cracking old self, so take it slow.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The fact that you can look at online photos of genitalia without even blushing doesn't mean you won't turn beet-red when a certain long-lashed Scorpio propositions you this week. Don't be surprised if the rosy glow has faded by Wednesday, however — innocence never lasts. My parents used to make me cover my eyes whenever a naked lady appeared in a movie, but I always peeked, and today I don't titter as easily as I used to. As tempted as you'll be to jump into bed at first glance, try to stretch your giggling innocence till the weekend. It'll just make you even more desirable.
Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
It's not so much that people will be bragging about having Jon Stewart's cellphone number this week, it's that they'll have an answer to every one of your problems, whether you ask for their input or not. Advice with highly suspect motives will be imparted on you — advice like, "If you're feeling stressed out, the best thing you can do to quiet your mind is sleep with me. Really, I'm amazing. I know Jon Stewart." Take everything with a grain of salt, and you'll avoid the manipulators.
Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Like the alleged goal of free-market capitalism and Japanese pop culture, this will be a week of endless choice and possibility — practically enough to drive you mad. With multiple sexual options spreading out before you, each equally tempting and within your grasp, you'll begin to feel as if you've been sucked into a Busby Berkeley film. Keep your head about you. Too much choice does not equal just enough freedom, and the presence of dozens of surrealist, half-clad ladies plunging toward you in one long never-ending chorus line could paralyze you in your tracks.
Pisces
(Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Everyone loves a bungler. Just look how popular Perfect Strangers was! Luckily, you'll be prone to wacky, improbable mishaps this week: very important keys that you were expressly told are the only set might be dropped down an elevator shaft, which means your best friend, who has a horrible case of the sneezes, will have to lower you down there by fire hose to fetch them. Things should calm down a bit by Thursday, when you'll turn in a convincing portrayal of the romantic lead for the rest of the week. What incredible range you have, you Mark Linn-Baker, you!
Aries
(Mar. 21-Apr.
19)
As the week begins, you're the epitome of benevolence. People will be struggling under the weight of their own genitals, and you'll say, "Hey, can I help you with that? Put that right here!" It'll be like an X-rated version of the song "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother." The problem is that people will be begin to expect this benevolent behavior all the time. Don't let this get to you. Generosity is its own reward, and there are plenty of grateful souls out there who deserve your helping hands.
Taurus
(Apr. 20-May 20)
I recently had a phone conversation with a friend. It ended with him saying, "I love you." Not wanting to be rude and thinking it might be a romantic overture, I said "I love you, too." Problem was, he hadn't said "I love you" at all. He'd said, "My grub is stew." He was talking about dinner. See how such misunderstandings can occur? This sort of thing will characterize your week. People will say "Rake soft near those plants" and you'll mishear and take off your pants. Let bygones be bygones and see where it all leads.
Gemini
(May 21-Jun.
21)
Hey, I know I don't know any of you, but hows about we all stand around this fire-pit in a big circle and masturbate? Ready? And . . . go! A desire to involve strangers in typically personal activities will strike you this week. Just watch out for flared tempers. Meeting new people can be stressful in its own way, and you're likely to get caught up in topics of religion, politics, sexual orientation and other traditionally taboo subject matter. Steer clear of such controversy and stick to the circle jerk. Nothing dissuades new friends and collective orgasms like a tantrum.
Cancer
(June 21-July 21)
Your recent burdens won't halt your desire to have a good time this week. As a matter of fact, fun will be your antidote to the periods of worry that threaten to consume you. Buy an impractically expensive skinny-boy shirt from Steven Alan and find some impractically skinny boy or girl to tear it off you. Put on that "Sussudio" song (Phil Collins' version or Ol' Dirty Bastard's — whichever perks you up more) and dance like an aging British rocker.
promotion
Leo
(July 22-Aug. 22)
You're surrounded by innuendo and double entendre that you can't decode. Everyone seems to be playing word games and referring to things you don't know about. Sure, you may know a thing or two about analingus, but when it comes to sexless, thickly laid hipster irony, you're lost. This may make you feel urgent and frantic. Try to take a deep breath, and realize that ass play is a lot more important than urban cool.
Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Your instinct to be graphically gregarious this week may lead to some frayed connections. Try not to be annoyed — it simply gives people the jitters. People rarely confront a genuinely friendly person, and once they understand you're not trying to undermine them, their jitters will turn to relief. At this point, while their guard is down, you can crush their confidence with a well-placed bit of subtle cruelty.
