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DEC. 20-26
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Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
We don't know what crack pipe some of the stars were smoking
last week, but it seemed to be one that didn't take well to
Sagittarius. Don't panic; it ain't all bad.
On Tuesday, you're golden — and guaranteed to get some if you
head out to a holiday celebration. You'll
be equally successful on Wednesday. Unfortunately,
you're likely to fall for the one person in the room who's
masking the flu with tequila shots and Tylenol. Nothing's worse
than being sick on New Year's, so feel his or her forehead before swapping
spit. Friday will start out stressful, but on Saturday, Santa
will be leave you with one hell of a sex drive.
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Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Starting
with Solstice Tuesday, you'll be feeling pretty damn good about
yourself. Finally, you will possess that abstract
thing called "confidence" that will make people want to fuck you.
Some stars think you should take this opportunity to make
a list of New Year's resolutions, but as we've mentioned before,
such lists will counteract your sex appeal. If you have to compose
a list, make it a shopping list. If you're in a relationship,
you'll be putty in your lover's hands on Wednesday. Don't worry:
Gumby had good sex too. It's Industrious Thursday for all Capricorns. Keep the sex slow on Friday
and dirty on Saturday. |
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Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
If you're in a relationship, we're pretty sure you've been "taking some space" to avoid World War III. Monday is your day
to make up for all that sex that wasn't had. That said, on Tuesday, you'd be wise
to reserve a few hours of alone time for yourself. On Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, you might be anxious about family, lovers, present-buying,
etc. Remember: anxious energy can easily be transferred into sexual energy. Where there's
a will, there's a way. If all else fails, take a day trip to a sex shop and buy
yourself some hot wax. Sometimes it helps to remind yourself that there is a
good kind of pain. |
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Pisces
(Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
If you've had foot-in-mouth disease for the past few weeks, on Monday you'll be back to your old smooth-talking self. Obviously,
this is good news. (You can only say "Did I just say that out loud?" so many times before you get a smack in the face instead of a laugh.) On Tuesday, if you're single, use your renewed communication
skills to find yourself a holiday fuck buddy. Wednesday's going
to be a bitch for everyone, and on Thursday you're likely to find
yourself in the company of someone who makes you want to pull
your fingernails out with pliers, so lay low until Friday. On
Christmas Eve, someone's going to be needy, and you'll thank your lucky stars
they came to you for help. |
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Aries
(Mar. 21-Apr.
19)
Holiday season makes everyone a good candidate for Bellevue.
The good news: on Monday, you'll be feeling
even-keeled. This can only bode well for your sex life. Even
if the transformation is due to the fact that you started your holiday drinking
a few weeks early, the stars are proud. On Solstice Tuesday, start thinking about all of the dirty, kinky things you'd
like to try in the New Year. Give yourself deadlines and a day
to edit your roster of all things naughty
and not-so-nice. Do something adventurous on Christmas Day. And by adventurous,
we don’t mean drink too much and
give a snowman something to be proud about "downstairs." You
do that every year. |
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Taurus
(Apr. 20-May 20)
It's Get Off Your Ass And Take Some Initiative Monday. So,
whether you're single or believe your relationship
leaves a few too many things to be desired, today's the day
to do something about it. If you're a typical Taurus, you're all about
playing it safe. Solstice Tuesday is the day to change
that. You're never going to have interesting sex if you don’t
take a few risks now and then. On Wednesday, instead of panicking about gifts you still haven't bought, become one. When, on Thursday, Friday and Saturday your lover starts
to taking out their holiday aggression on you, get out the
handcuffs and give them something
to truly be merry about. |
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Gemini
(May 21-Jun.
21)
Monday and Tuesday are relationship days for you. Not in one?
Doesn't really matter. Many of the stars believe that, even if
you're single, you should seek out a special someone, open up your heart and mind and communicate your . . . please
hand us a trash can so we can barf. As usual, we
disagree with our stodgier colleagues about your optimal plan
of attack. Our thinking: it's the holiday season. Everyone will do all the talking and listening they
need to at family and office gatherings. So deal with intimacy issues by having sex. If you still feel like you gotta say something, you can scream
something new right before climax. |
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Cancer
(June 21-July 21)
It's Make Up Your Mind Monday. You love him; you hope he gets
deported. You think she's the best thing since the George Foreman
Grill; you'd rather be sleeping with George Foreman. We know,
we know — only assholes dump people before the holidays. The
truth is, only assholes accept a gift from a
lover and then jump ship on Dec. 26. Regardless of whether
you stick around, the next four
weeks will be all about relationships. This doesn't mean you
have to talk about them all the time. In fact, we'd prefer you didn't. But there will be plenty of opportunities for close encounters
of the sexual kind. On Saturday, Santa may even send you a phone
call from on old requited crush who, if you play your cards right,
will land in your bed no later than New Year's Eve. |
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Leo
(July 22-Aug. 22)
If you're in a relationship, we're pretty sure you've been eyeing the single life lately. Things between
you and your lover should finally improve on Monday and Tuesday,
but we'd like to suggest a few peace offerings anyway:
restraints, massage oil, chocolate. Notice we
didn't say flowers. That's because flowers are passé,
and all too often proof of sexual indiscretions.
Anyway, your amorous armistice should last, but on Friday, your love interest will be about as emotionally
stable as Mariah Carey. We recommend keeping your mouth shut. |
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Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
For you, Monday is all about making amends. Apparently
you fucked up last week and are now in the doghouse. Sucks to
be you, but on Tuesday you'll realize that life's too
short to spend on your knees. You'll
also realize that holiday time = socially acceptable self-indulgence. In the name of good drinking and lots of fornicating, avoid
the dramatic downer friend on Wednesday, the irritable ex on
Thursday and the anxiety about Christmas festivities on Friday. Take heed, and on Saturday, you'll be
everyone's post-Christmas-dinner, I-have-to-get-out-of-the-house-or-I'm-going-to-kill-my-family
booty call. |
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Libra
(Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
For the next seven days, Libra will be the new black. Consider
this an ecumenical holiday gift, the first part of which will include
a definition of the word ecumenical (adj. Concerned with establishing
or promoting unity among churches or religions). On Tuesday, a nighttime playmate might try to get in touch with you in the
afternoon. You'll get a few calls and options, so hold off before
making any plans. Just because it's your week doesn't mean you
can be a flake. Take it easy on Wednesday. By "easy" we
mean buy some wine and invite someone over to "watch
a movie." If you have a date on Thursday
night, cancel it. Sources say he or she is going to be a dud.
Throw caution to the wind on Friday and
Saturday, and hit on someone you've always thought is too pretty
for you. |
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Scorpio
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
It's Missionary Style Monday for you. Boring, yes, but at least you'll be getting some, and in the long run, you'll be happy you started the week off
conventionally. Your Wednesday lover will demand to be on top,
and you'll most likely require Band-Aids and bed rest after an encounter on Thursday. Christmas Eve is going to be emotional this
year, so unless you've got a fuck buddy who doesn't mind if you
cry when you come, we suggest sleeping alone. Don’t worry:
Santa's got something special up his sleeve for you on Christmas.
We hate spoiling surprises, so all we'll say is that you can expect
one of the following: a brand new sex toy in your stocking, a
threesome, or marathon monkey sex with that person you've
been crushing on since 1999. |
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