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Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Dick Clark, America's favorite New Year's Eve host, made a name for himself with American Bandstand. This week it's your American bed stand that's having a party as a coterie of amorous amigos makes its way into your lair. Live it up this week and don't feel the need to slow down: your stars align for a swinging '09. |
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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Times Square might be dropping the ball this week, but luckily you'll avoid a similar fate. Indeed, the balls are in your court this week whether you're giving them or receiving. Look for more good news later in the week as your naughty romp might lead to a promotion at work. Just don't photocopy your ass on the Xerox machine. Your "co-worker" might have plenty of pull on your nether regions, but not quite enough at the office to get you out of that mess. |
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Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Your New Year's resolution is to stop dropping trou all over town. That means you've got a lot of slutting to get out of your system before the clock strikes midnight on Wednesday. And getting lucky this week won't be much of a challenge; all those futile attempts to stay sober won't be put into effect until January 1st. |
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Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Don't say our culture lacks all sense of ritual: there's nothing like the grand tradition of dressing up, getting trashed and making out with complete strangers to ring in the New Year. We suggest all of the above this New Year's Eve, except perhaps the getting-trashed part: the planets predict that on Wednesday you're apt to receive some wonderful news, career-wise, and you'll want to be sober enough to accept it. Then again, once the clock strikes and the ball drops, it's technically Thursday, huh? Nothing toasts success like five rounds of Jack. Cheers! |
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Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
The recession is forcing you to downgrade from champagne to bathtub gin this New Year's Eve. But love don't cost a thing and Wednesday night's cheap, drunken revelry will give you plenty of opportunities to make up for that lost bonus. Go for the wallflower on the verge of passing out in the corner. One is the loneliest number and no one wants to feel like a Three Dog Night chorus on this big night. If you're really lucky, that bathtub might be used for more than booze-making. |
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Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
We're all allowed to go to flesh a bit during the holidays — those hams and latkes aren't gonna eat themselves. Unfortunately you hate the gym, so that New Year's resolution to fight the flab is weighing you down in more ways than one. Why not burn calories the fun, old-fashioned way and grab some fresh flesh of your own for a raunchy tussle? It will give a whole new meaning to the phrase Battle of the Bulge. |
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Cancer (June 21-July 21)
It's that time of year again. You're trudging off to the seen-better-days mall in your godforsaken hometown to return those unwanted gifts from your Aunt Sally and Grandpa Ben. I mean really, this mauve, elbow-patched cardigan is too ugly to register as ironical on either end of Bedford Avenue. But don't be too sheepish at the register; that cutie at the returns counter is checking you out and is ready to thoroughly review way more than your receipt. |
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Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Whether you celebrated Christmas, Hanukah or Kwanzaa (are we missing any?) the forced smiles and barely concealed eye rolls of holiday family time have finally come to an end. Your relatives have been reminded for another year that yes, you are still single and no, you have not found a "real" job. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and get back to doing what you do best — wasting what little time remains of your (relative) youth and getting shnookered with your friends. Enjoy it while it lasts. For better or worse (okay, mostly for better), 2009 is going to make a man or a woman out of you and force you to cut back on the belligerent tomfoolery. |
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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
"Beer goggles" is one of those catchphrases that should have been retired circa New Year's Day 2001. But damned if you're not kicking yourself for tying one on last night and mistaking that zero for a hero. Let's review 2008 though — not as many notches on your belt as you would have liked, right? "Beggars can't be choosers" is an adage that's here to stay; heed it. Besides, if your memory isn't too fuzzy, you may recall quite the wild ride last night. |
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Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Yes, you were "that guy/ gal" at your friend's New Year's Eve party. Was it deep-throating that bottle of cheap champagne that put you over the edge? Or perhaps tearfully demanding that your roommate's significant other make out with your right nipple as the clock struck twelve? Regardless, your first day of 2009 will be spent furiously detagging Facebook pictures and sending out apology texts to the three dozen friends (and, sadly, your mother) who you managed to drunk dial at the end of the night. The silver lining is that one lush was actually charmed by your amateur-hour antics. Get after it — this one's a keeper. |
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Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Venus is in your fifth house of love all week. So whether this means chasing after your usual prey, gender-wise, or taking a walk on the wild side, now's the time to get lucky with a comely mate. Just don't get too caught up in the pursuit. After a dismal 2008, your professional and financial prospects are perking up, so you'll want to be on the ball come Monday. |
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Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
"Should old acquaintance be forgot" ain't the half of it. You've finally stopped sweating that evil ex and are primed to get down and dirty. Be choosy with whomever you decide to share that midnight kiss; this partner is no flash in the pan and will likely be right beside you as the first glaring rays of the new year greet your killer hangover. |
