Debbi, the Merry Maids receptionist, promised me “a good time” with these two, so I was a bit surprised when Tara Hollywood (real name, she showed me her license) showed up to my house in a plain old sweatshirt and pants, aerosol and towels and vacuums in tow. Her partner, Sue Desmarais, wore the Merry Maid suit, crisp and clean, but couture best described as plumber-meets-gardener. Where, I wondered, were the sexy outfits of (other) customers’ dreams? Ross Martin
RM: You’re not wearing the uniform!
TH: It’s under my sweatshirt.
RM: I’m guessing some of your customers are very attracted to you.
TH: Especially when I’m on my knees, scrubbing the floor.
RM: What do you think they fantasize about?
TH: The suction on my vacuum.
SD: Something they can’t have.
TH: More than just light dusting. Couldn’t you ask us that question without blushing?
RM: Okay, tell me about your customers.
TH: One guy in his early thirties always seems to be home when we come to clean, parading around in his spandex. Another guy said he left us a little surprise in his shower.
RM: What did he mean by that?
TH: What do you think he meant? Basically, he enjoyed himself in the shower by himself with his right hand.
TH: We have a seventy-year-old regular whose house I don’t like cleaning. He’s a pervert. When I’m scrubbing the floor he stands basically on top of me. One time, he made me look up and he shoved a nude calendar in my face and said “Look at my new calendar!”
RM: That dirty dog!
TH: That same guy once pretended not to hear a maid’s name, and his eyes were bad, so he had to get real close and grab her name tag. Which just so happens is right above her breast.
RM: Every day, you get to see people’s insides. What do you find?
SD: KY Jelly, dirty magazines, used condoms, false teeth.
RM: What’s the sexiest room in the house?
TH: The bathroom.
RM: Hmmm. Now that you’ve seen my house, where do you think my wife and I do it most?
SD: Your office. Am I right? Tell me.
TH: That’s if it’s throw-me-down-and-fuck-me sex. But if you’re being tender and sensual, I’d say your guest bedroom.
SD: You look like you have an exciting sex life. Mine’s excellent too.
TH: So, you want to be a Merry Maid?
RM: I’m not sure I have what it takes.
TH: You gotta be merry. And not the kind of merry you think.