Staking a philosophical stance somewhere between Nine Inch Nails and The Jungle Book, the men behind Zeta Creations want to fuck you like an animal. Or any number of animals. From their West Virginia headquarters, two zoophiles (codenamed “Tigger” and “Brownbear”) design and manufacture dildos based on animal penises. The company’s online catalog lists twenty-one varities, ranging from the petite “dragon” to the horsecockian “Thor.” (Also included: testimonials from ahem visibly satisfied customers.) Although they don’t cast from live animals, Tigger and Brownbear claim each toy is “anatomically accurate.” My primal curiosity piqued, I interviewed Brownbear by phone. Grant Stoddard
Nerve: So which animals are your best sellers?
Why is that?
How do you get the shapes?
Let’s cut to the chase: Isn’t this encouraging bestiality?
Do some people who’ve had sex with animals in the past view your products as a safe alternative?
There are dolphins in the woods?
So when you tell people, “I make animal dildos for a living,” what’s the typical reaction?
It’s an insider thing?
Don’t you get lots of mail from PETA and animal-welfare organizations?
Do you get requests: “Oh, can you make me a koala dick?”
What material do you use for these?
How did you and Tigger meet each other?
Did either of you have a background in plastics?
Who are your customers?
Are any of your products difficult to use? The raccoon model seems particularly strange.
Even the equine ones? I mean, I saw “Thor,” and . . . WOW.
We’re still working on that one. We’re going to design our own strap-on holder.
It could come with a saddle and stirrups.
So people would use them in a fixed position, or . . . I’m just trying to get an idea. Some of these big models seem almost impossible to wield: they’re like swords.
If you don’t mind the question, is making animal dildos your primary source of income?
Does business pick up around, say, the Kentucky Derby or Shark Week on the Discovery Channel?
I noticed you make mostly mammal dildos, aside from the dragon, which I guess is a reptile. Any specific reason for that?
Do you or Tigger have sex with animals, or have you in the past?
Did that dictate where you set up shop?