Wild Things

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Staking a philosophical stance somewhere between Nine Inch Nails and The Jungle Book, the men behind Zeta Creations want to fuck you like an animal. Or any number of animals. From their West Virginia headquarters, two zoophiles (codenamed “Tigger” and “Brownbear”) design and manufacture dildos based on animal penises. The company’s online catalog lists twenty-one varities, ranging from the petite “dragon” to the horsecockian “Thor.” (Also included: testimonials from — ahem — visibly satisfied customers.) Although they don’t cast from live animals, Tigger and Brownbear claim each toy is “anatomically accurate.” My primal curiosity piqued, I interviewed Brownbear by phone. — Grant Stoddard


Nerve: So which animals are your best sellers?
Brownbear: I’d have to say the canines and equines.

Why is that?
Probably because most people have grown up with them. Everybody has a dog, and most people have horses around at one point or another.

How do you get the shapes?
Through pictures, videotapes — whatever reference material we can get.

Let’s cut to the chase: Isn’t this encouraging bestiality?
Some people think so. I really don’t. To me, they’re just interesting shapes for toys. They’re something for people to experiment with, without actually crossing over into bestiality.

Do some people who’ve had sex with animals in the past view your products as a safe alternative?
Some people have told me that, yes sir. I mean, it’d be a little difficult for someone to go out and play with a dolphin or a bear in the woods.

There are dolphins in the woods?
No, sir.

So when you tell people, “I make animal dildos for a living,” what’s the typical reaction?
Most are open to the idea. Some people absolutely hate it and write nasty letters or whatever, but for the most part, I don’t advertise.

It’s an insider thing?
Basically just word of mouth.

Don’t you get lots of mail from PETA and animal-welfare organizations?
Not really. Most of them just leave us alone. We’re not exploiting any animals, so there’s really no harm in it.


Do you get requests: “Oh, can you make me a koala dick?”
We do get requests on occasion, and if we get repeated requests from different people, we usually put it up on our drawing board.

What material do you use for these?
It’s the same as most adult toys, just a gel.

How did you and Tigger meet each other?
Over the Internet, almost three years ago.

Did either of you have a background in plastics?
Well, my partner used to work in a plastic-injection plant, so he had some idea about the molding process.

Who are your customers?
Right now, it’s a complete mix. We mostly service gay males, though.

Are any of your products difficult to use? The raccoon model seems particularly strange.
It’s an interesting shape, but a lot of people have used it. We don’t produce a single toy that people haven’t used.

Even the equine ones? I mean, I saw “Thor,” and . . . WOW.
People have sent us a couple of videos of themselves using that one.


Are these good for partner play, like with a harness or strap-on?
We’re still working on that one. We’re going to design our own strap-on holder.

It could come with a saddle and stirrups.
Excuse me?

So people would use them in a fixed position, or . . . I’m just trying to get an idea. Some of these big models seem almost impossible to wield: they’re like swords.
Well, most people use them while they’re lying down. And most of the toys come with suction-cup bases, so you can just affix them to whatever you like and use them that way.

If you don’t mind the question, is making animal dildos your primary source of income?
Right now, it’s my primary income. From time to time, when sales go down, I have to pick up a side job.

Does business pick up around, say, the Kentucky Derby or Shark Week on the Discovery Channel?

I noticed you make mostly mammal dildos, aside from the dragon, which I guess is a reptile. Any specific reason for that?
Not really. It’s just more difficult to sculpt a reptilian toy. Most of them — that I’ve noticed, anyway — have at least two penises. [pause] We’re working on a crocodile, but it’s a little ways off.

Do you or Tigger have sex with animals, or have you in the past?
In the past, yes, but presently no. In some states it’s legal, and in others it’s very illegal.

Did that dictate where you set up shop?
No sir, we don’t do that no more. We just make animal dildos.  

©2002 Grant Stoddard and


Quickies Wild Things

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Lie Detector

Connect this Truth Verifier to your cell phone, pull out your lover’s credit card bill and start asking questions. The device measures voice tremors, so it’s useless on the constantly nervous or the preternaturally calm, but you shouldn’t be dating them anyway.


Sony Mavica

If the phrases “2.1 megapixel CD-R-based MPEG” and “Tiff-compatible digital still camera” don’t turn you on, whatever does can be swiftly recorded at unflatteringly high resolutions by the new Sony Mavica. Never mind that the same memory can be embedded in a smaller device — this baby looks cool, records both short digital videos and hundreds of photographs and comes with features every bedroom documentarian needs, like “optical image stabilization” and “precision digital zoom.”



OXO Spatula

Chefs have been using the spatula for patting of the gluteus maximus for

centuries. Some historians believe it was originally created for that purpose, and was later adapted for baking. Okay, maybe not. But I am a big fan of this application, and have been ever since my mother told me a warm sponge cake should spring back, when pressed, as eagerly as a firm mattress. For either use, there is no better choice than the OXO Good Grips Silicone Spatula. The grip’s good, and most importantly, it’s heat-resistant to six hundred degrees.


Spalding NBA Infusion Basketball

The patented micropump is actually inside the ball for inflation-on-demand — jealous? It can also be used for time-lapse pregnancy demonstrations, adjustable head propping and for gently

separating your lover’s thighs.


The Tingler

Like the rest of us, the common eggbeater longs to do more — not just to go in circles but to touch people. This was the revelation of two entrepreneurs who took wire cutters to their kitchen utensil, bent out the spokes and started a-tingling the scalp. I took one to a party and within minutes was trailed by a gaggle of plaintive supplicants. Supplies a wince-inducing electroshock of pleasure that, like the best things in life, is less fun when self-administered.


© 2001 Rufus Griscom and, Inc.