Ronald: I have what is unofficially referred to as "invisible MS", meaning that my symptoms aren't apparent by looking at me — though I sure as hell notice them! I can walk and do everything else without assistance, so technically I'm not "handicapped." I should follow that with a "yet" since the disease is progressive and though I have the relapsing form of the illness, the relapses are getting more frequent and more bothersome. When the weather is hot, I'll notice that my legs are weaker than usual or I'll get vertigo, in addition to my usual lower-body tingling and pain.

Lisa: How did you figure out you had MS?

Ronald: The first symptom I had was a numb hand, which I believe lasted for about a week. Later, I started feeling a strange, unpleasant sensation of electricity going up and down my leg and arm.

Lisa: Did the diagnosis have any immediate effect on you as a sexual person?

Ronald: I dated my first girlfriend, this Deadhead girl, when I was twenty-three. At the beginning of our relationship, I explained to her that my main symptoms were lower body weakness and pain, and she became worried about how that would affect my ability to have sex. Well, the first time we did it answered that question. Though I didn't have trouble getting it up, I had trouble keeping it up. I also had trouble with the thrusting motions of fucking. She dumped me not too long afterward. Four years later, I met my second girlfriend, an East Indian from Fiji. She was a virgin, and seven years younger than me. We really fell for each other. The problem was, I couldn't really have sex with her either. In retrospect, I feel like an idiot for not experimenting more and trying different positions.
     Being sexual really helps my MS. When my symptoms are acting up, being physically close to a woman really does something for me. The focus is no longer 100 percent on myself. The pain isn't so much "there" as it is when I'm alone.

Lisa: When you go on a date, do you tell them right away you have MS?

Ronald: The last woman I dated I met on the Internet and we talked on the phone a few times before meeting in person. I happened to mention at one point that I have MS; we were exchanging stories about our families and I mentioned that my father has been disabled with MS most of my life and that I have it too. She knew what MS was, and primarily wanted to know if I could walk without assistance, and I assured her that I could. It's a moot point anyway because we only lasted for one face-to-face date. That was about five months ago.

Lisa: Do you fantasize about being more able-bodied, or even ridiculously able-bodied, like flinging girls around the bed and rippling your muscles at them?

Ronald: Yeah, I do fantasize about being bigger and more powerful — and about being able to "power fuck." But a positive change in my sex life occurred during my trip to Amsterdam to see hookers in June.

Lisa: Why did you go all the way to Amsterdam? Why not local hookers?

Ronald: I never wanted to take the risk of being arrested in attempting to see one in California. I didn't want to do the whole Nevada thing because of the insanely high prices. Before I left for Amsterdam, I asked my doctor if I could try some Viagra. This is something that is frequently given to men with MS. Well, to put it mildly, it changed everything. I was able to get erect and keep it up — for the first time in my life I was really able to have sex. It was a revelation. I was able to explore and discover what positions I liked.
     I would generally pay a prostitute around 350 guilders (about 170 dollars) to be with them for an hour. I discovered that the best position for me is doggy style, since I can balance myself and literally lean on them for support. Not all the prostitutes are into that, though; some will only do missionary position, which is too hard on my legs. But the best prostitutes really seemed to go out of their way to help me. I could barely stand up after it was over but I didn't care. I was able to put the MS aside for awhile and somehow it made me feel more real. I ended up having more confidence in being able to truly satisfy someone some day. Viagra and those prostitutes just about saved my life.