The Lisa Diaries

Pin it


The Lisa Diaries by Lisa Carver  


April 8, 1999

I guess it’s weird that I like to watch my boyfriend on top of another woman. I want him so much: I want to eat him, I want to be him. If I can sort of have him through the whole world having him (or at least an occasional third), I’m closer to fulfilling my crazy desire. At one point Simone was on top of Dave on the bed and I was across the room on the telephone, watching them. It was just like Dave and I were alone in the room, like we were in high school and he was on the football team and I was a cheerleader and we were on a date and we would get married when we graduated. It was like we were having a sweet conversation about what the clouds looked like; it was like pure falling in love. Maybe Simone felt it too, felt talked over, because she said just then that she felt like a pawn. I was impressed with her honesty, but a little baffled by it. If I ever felt like a pawn, I would never admit it. I would look for ways to change the situation, get on top again. I like games. I like when reality shifts. Mostly, I love to watch Dave make the moves on someone. He’s so sly and confusing and seductive and a little mean. I feel like his conspirator. He holds my interest; he’s always twisting out of who I think he is. And it’s always enjoyable. Actually, it’s not. I take it back. Sometimes I cry. It’s captivating, that’s what it always is.

Lisa Carver and