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The Lisa Diaries by Lisa Carver  

Dave’s Cheating Rules

May 3, 1999

Well, he did it, the hound! Barely gone a week and already he’s fooled around with a young lady. They didn’t go all the way, so I didn’t get the call. (I’d told him if he was going to run around while on tour he had to call in the middle of it and have the girl describe to me what happened as it happened.) She looked like Bettie Page, he told me on the phone this morning, and behaved like a kitten, purring and rubbing and begging. When she found out he was engaged, she said, “Oh no! What does a girl have to do to . . . ?” She left the sentence unfinished and climbed into his lap. I thought she sounded pretty sexy; it gave me a thrill to picture him kissing her. But I got mad when he said all this happened in front of some of our friends. “I have my standing in the community to think of!” I told him. He was confused, said he felt like he had to do it since I said he could. He thinks I’m testing him but he doesn’t know what the test is. So I emailed him the following, to make things quite clear:

Dave’s Cheating Rules

  1. Only when you’re far from home, with someone who’s not from home.
  2. Never with an enemy of mine, nor with a friend of mine. Nor with someone who means something to you.
  3. Don’t be making out in front of our mutual friends! Be polite. You better tell those friends you had permission! And you better tell the girl, too — I don’t want her thinking she’s getting something over on me.
  4. If something comes up (ha ha — sorry) but I’m not home when you call, go ahead anyway.
  5. I might change my mind at some point and say I don’t want you to do it again (or I might just like it), but I promise I won’t get all mad and hurt. You’re all mine and all that other stuff doesn’t mean anything. I just want you to have fun.
  6. So what did she look like? What else did she say? What was she
    wearing? Where were her hands?

Lisa Carver and