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February 11, 2002
I told a friend that my one disappointment in life is that I'll never meet myself at a party and get taken home by me; she said she felt the same way about her doppelganger. Actually, I might not choose myself if I met me, because I'd probably think other-I was hogging the attention — I'd try to find |
some corner-lurker instead, someone not satisfied with a little gaze from everyone, someone who needed all of mine instead.
In my experience, the cliché that young, attractive, un-crazy girls consider their very presence in someone's bedchambers prize enough (and thus just lie there), is a true one. Then again, the truly ugly can be self-conscious and even ashamed of their naked selves and make you keep the lights off, which always makes me really sad, and sadness is not an aphrodisiac. What you really want, I think, are the ones who aren't ugly but think they are. To distract you from their imagined, magnified secret fault, they will explode like a kamikaze; they will try to make you fall in love with them to blind you.
This poll question — "What are you like in bed?" — was fun to ask, especially of complete strangers. The only frustrating part was that no one would admit they're bad in bed, and I know some people are. So I'll be the one to come clean: I'm lousy. Oh, not at first. In the beginning, I fall into that magic third category, the kamikaze group — not that I think there's something wrong with my body, but I suspect there might be something unsavory inside my brain, and I don't want anyone in an intimate setting peeking in there (thus the bedtime gymnastics to keep them off-kilter). Eventually, though, they do stumble upon the real me, and if they haven't run away, then I let my real sex self come out too. And she is a lazy, lazy queen. I expect my grapes peeled and roasted. How about you — are you a peeler, a swallower or do you stomp 'em to wine?
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©2002 Lisa Carver and Nerve.com, Inc.
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Commentarium (35 Comments)
Re: "I told a friend that my one disappointment in life is that I'll never meet myself at a party and get taken home by me."
It could happen. Didn't you ever see *Strange Days*? ;)
Lisa Carver. As vacuous as ever.
A perfectly innocuous piece - that could have been written by a modestly perceptive sixth-grader.
I Liked your feature. I am a total freak in the sheets, the nastier the better. That is the tough part of being single, it's a grab bag as to what the new person that I am dating is like in bed. Sometimes its a jackpot and other times its a bad roll.
MyVibe
Ah PG, I have to disagree: Usually these survey entries do lack any real insight, but this time, I think she does reveal some in herself; besides, not TOO many sixth-graders will have been FUCKING for the past fifteen years, I'd reckon!;)
i wouldn't do me. certainly not. i know my limitations: sex is one of them. a downfall. i'm not all that good.
but i comfort myself with the knowledge that: 1. i am young, so it's not all that surprising, 2. i know i have a mean psychological barrier for me being really good, and 3. i'm trying to work through that. :)
I should get into the habit of answering your polls more often. I could have broken ranks and contributed one 'bad in bed' opinion. Judging from my last experience I definitely would get a 'Needs Improvement' Grade. Not that this bothers me, after all, where do you go and what new things can you discover if you already the perfect lover?
ya some nasty hoes
I completely agree with pg. For some unfathomable reason this woman thinks she's a writer. But she is utterly without talent.
i think i'm great with my tongue. after that, i think that's what does it for the ladies.
I'm NOT a writer in polls -- I'm a presenter. Crabapple.
Personally, I think I'm "pretty-okay" I should say. I love to be super loud and in control of the pace of how fast the "draws" come off. But after we are naked I'm pretty much a passenger. But it's different than just laying there,I"m pretty flexiable and will try just about anything if you make it worth my time!!! NO FREE RIDES!! You do me so I'll do you! I"M generous, patient, and forgiving in the sac, sooo all of that crap alone makes me a SUPERSTAR!!!
What's far worse than being a crabapple is being a narcissist with an excuse for absolutely everything. No matter how many readers complain or how often they do so, you always have an excuse to let you off the hook. The readers are criticized for expressing honest opinions. It's always our fault, never yours. You are a child.
And you're an idiot. I'm a fan of Lisa's writing, including the polls like this one, and I can't for the life of me understand why anyone gets off on posting gratuitously snotty putdowns of someone as lovably bold as she is. Ignore 'em, Lisa.
"but I suspect there might be something unsavory inside my brain, and I don't want anyone in an intimate setting peeking in there (thus the bedtime gymnastics to keep them off-kilter). Eventually, though, they do stumble upon the real me, and if they haven't run away, then I let my real sex self come out too. And she is a lazy, lazy queen. I expect my grapes peeled and roasted." ....This corageous self disclosure is a hallmark of Lisa's writing and why I check the sight daily hoping for new stuff from her....
Hey Lisa - I love your columns. Would you like to contribute some non-fiction to www.undershorts.net? I hope so! ;) Ben
ben_westhoff@undershorts.net
I am adventurous, I like to try something new each day, because sex was meant to be explored. On a reaction to if I am good or not, everything I learned about sex, I realy learned from my first girlfriend 15 years ago, and every woman after that has benefited from her tutalage, and my wife says I am the best, so i guess she did her job. I am not a predator in anyway, I just love sex and having the time to explore the sexual limits of my wife.
I think the problem is that Lisa does come up with some formidable topics, but fails to fully explore them. Like her own dizzying, much-talked-about, and largely unfinished personal life, her articles grab my interest, then leave me feeling strangely unfulfilled.
I don't understand why she can't finish what she starts. She has plenty of time in between columns to perfect her style and content. I write for a daily, and barely have time for spell-check most of the time. But I would KILL for her job: to say whatever I want, and even when I do a poor job, I get to come back in two weeks. Sweet!
MB: Thank you for your clear voice. Readers are not being gratuitous when expressing their feelings of disappoinment in these pages and if the tone is angry that is an appropriate respone to someone who offers a promise of something to grasp and then doesn't deliver. It can also be hypothesized that since anger is so often a response, there is something about Lisa Carver that needs to induce our anger and feel it's wrath. Why doesn't she have any sense of professional commitment or discipline? When one contracts to perform for an audience, is there not a sense of responsibility to that audience to make an effort to produce good work. Are the synchophants who jump to her defense week after week really satisfied with this chaotic lack. It was refreshing to hear from someone who really does write for a living.
Make that sycophants...(typo)
This is a serious response: What is it you are hoping for? This is a POLL. Giving a brief idea and then asking random people for their take on it. It's fun for me to see how differently people answer. It is flattering that you see so much promise of something great (even though you're disappointed every time ... and still come back time after time to be disappointed anew). Would it be better for me to have a "finished" personal life? And what IS it in a 350-word piece that you believe should transform your life, and then fails to do so? Please don't call my response an excuse or an indication of my inability to accept criticism. I am asking you questions.
Who said anything about being transformed or even transported? Your response is the typical attack on the reader that you continually engage in. For me, I come back, when I do, for the feedback. Some of your followers have valuable, perceptive things to offer. Since questions are being asked, what do you feel is your responsibility to us. You say that YOU like the polls, but even your most loyal fans have made it clear that they don't. Why do you do them if it is only you who likes them? Sounds narcissistic to me. Do you think there is something wrong with asking for a more complete transaction with you or is it just tough shit, we should take whatever you deign to put out. Do you have any thoughts about discipline and committment with regard to your work? Your resonse basically says to us: well, what do you expect? This is only 350 words. That is absurd. I don't care if it's 35 words, I would like to feel that you have a sense of engagement with your words and your readers.Are you not putting your stuff out there for a purpose? If you are, what is it?
Who said anything about being transformed or even transported? Your response is the typical attack on the reader that you continually engage in. For me, I come back, when I do, for the feedback. Some of your followers have valuable, perceptive things to offer. Since questions are being asked, what do you feel is your responsibility to us. You say that YOU like the polls, but even your most loyal fans have made it clear that they don't. Why do you do them if it is only you who likes them? Sounds narcissistic to me. Do you think there is something wrong with asking for a more complete transaction with you or is it just tough shit, we should take whatever you deign to put out. Do you have any thoughts about discipline and committment with regard to your work? Your resonse basically says to us: well, what do you expect? This is only 350 words. That is absurd. I don't care if it's 35 words, I would like to feel that you have a sense of engagement with your words and your readers.Are you not putting your stuff out there for a purpose? If you are, what is it?
i think i would do me i belive im pretty erotic and there would never be any one that can please me better than my self
Hey, cut Lisa some slack!! I believe her objective is to throw a topic out there, add some insightful perspective, and then let the reader's imagination and responses finish the article. Typical, that so many readers today would want instantaneous gratification without using their own brains vs. actually thinking and interacting with the article.
I find Lisa's articles intelligent and generally well written. Good Job!!!!
Lisa Carver asks interesting, thought-provoking and unique questions. She knows a great variety of people to ask, and is gifted at prompting them to communicate. I write for a living, and I'd rather keep up with the Lisa Files than any column in any daily I'm aware of. Those columns offer cutesy sewn-up closure. Closure is reassuring and sometimes necessary, but it is ultimately a snare and impedes progress. If you want more solid closure, think about the issues Lisa is presenting and find your own. I find that she digests and lives with the topics without having to draw them out of her and stamp them into a nice neat shape that people can put in their pocket and show off at parties. PG: I just don't want to think of a sixth-grader, however perceptive, writing about what they're like in bed and polling people about it.
Since Ms. Carver apparently reads this, that puts a new wrinkle on this "feedback" thingie.
Ms. Carver - I'll echo the previous writer's sentiment, that so much of your writing feels like Chinese food - very attractive, but ultimately doesn't leave you full enough. For example - yes, as you responded, this is a poll. But it has the distinct impression of being a poll of your personal acquaintances. Like the sort of thing you knocked together at a party, on deadline.
However, you did make one good point - we DO tend to come racing back every two weeks...
'You say that YOU like the polls, but even your most loyal fans have made it clear that they don't.' - GG, are you privy to some reader statistics that the rest of us are not? Are you in direct contact with Lisa's 'most loyal fans'? Just where are you getting this from? This feedback column sounds like it's become the forum for some frustrated aspiring (read: unpublished) writers.
a computer, i'm pretty sure, has an on/off switch...just like a tv. it's ok to turn the appliance off if the programing doesn't suit you. surely there are better things to worry about than carver's column. lighten up, y'all. life is short.
I am great in bed with the right man.,.I was married for 10 years to the man I lost my virginity to...and we expermented freely ...my only inhibition being, after 4 kids I hate my body...but have had wonderful sex in that relationship..my new boyfriend is 13 years younger which would most likely make me more self conscious ..but because he is so enthralled with me...I am much more free..and that has resulted in masterpiece love making...nasty and sensual and spiritual...and whats better than that!!?!??!
a fun piece! light interesting
if that's a picture of you lisa, i'd do you too. i watched downloading late saturday night. i hope hbo keeps you guys on, i loved it and it lets me know that i'm not alone.
early, pre-day break, my incense is boiling, my novena divina providencia is lit--the sound of the bowl with incense boiling is s-xual.
i am alone.
coffee.
i liked the essay--on "i'd do me."
i have told one-two-many men--"if i were a male, i would 'fall in love with me'."
i ultimately f-ck myself--in central no-where texas--i can hardly find a suitable freak--
i am 21 twice.
"f-ck me grace."
how oddly odd is that. i'm like you, kamikaze first, lazy lazy second. i love being horizontal, i'm a lounger. but also love to give pleasure which can be hard from a horizontal position. so i usually just go mindless and go with the flow. when he says "wow you're a great lover" next morning, i say, "thank you, what did i do?" i love sex but most of my pleasure comes from the very presence of the person with me, waking up and hearing them breathe next to me, feeling their warmth next to mine. and i love wrapping myself around them (like the astrologically snake that i am). i've found that the men i know respond most to ardent touching and kissing than to just plain old intercourse or technical artistry. hmmm... i guess i don't really care if i'm good in bed or not... i just care that i'm capable still of relishing intimacy...
Hell yeah I'd do me! It would finally be that no holds barred F-Fest; completely uninhibited. I tend towards relationships but I have always wanted to have a great "Fuck buddy." I do think there would be some guilt and awkwardness afterward. The strangeness of being incestuous. I also know that we'd do it again and again because it would feel soooooooo good. Ultimately, however, we'd stop because no good could come of it and we'd have to avoid each other because the temptation would be to great.
Lisa Carver is, as always, brilliant and fun! Great writing blended with wit, insight and brains ...
Hell, I'd do you too!
Now you say something