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Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear
Miss Information,
I met a guy online last summer.
He was in a long-distance relationship, but eventually his girlfriend
left him. We spend six nights a week together — he even has
a key to my house — and we have great sex. I'm thirty-one, and I
want a committed relationship, but he says he can't be monogamous
because he's still in love with his ex. Will he ever come around,
or am I wasting my time? — Uncertain Someone
promotion
Dear Uncertain Someone,
Memo to all thirty-something singles: Getting older is
supposed to mean getting wiser, not getting more willing to put up with stupid shit. You
know as well as I do that it would take an act of God to bring this man around. I'm
not sure his aversion to commitment has anything to do with his ex. I think he
enjoys the wide berth his bachelorhood gives him. He gets all the benefits of
a steady girlfriend (consistent sex, emotional coddling and someone to tell him
those shoes look dumb with white socks) while remaining free to park his manhood
in a different vagina every night.
This guy is the worst not-boyfriend ever, and I want you
to cancel his contract. I know you're going to miss him, and I know you're going
to be sad. But being a grownup means making some tough decisions. Do you settle
for an unstable situation that offers temporary emotional fulfillment, the
boyfriend equivalent of junk food? Or do you go on a bunch of first dates in
order to find someone healthier? I hate carrot sticks as much as anyone, but
I know which decision I'd make. Make a list of the qualities you want in a long-term
partner before you go out with anyone else. Don't accept someone who doesn't
fit.
Dear
Miss Information,
My boyfriend always offers to buy me drinks.
I say no because I know how little he makes, and I believe women should
pay their own way. Meanwhile, a female friend of his lets him pay for her
drinks — and consistently loan her money for rent! She pays him back, but in the
meantime he's strapped. Is there anything I can say to her? — Seething
in Secret
Dear Seething in Secret,
Yeah, you can tell this chick to find a new place to
do her banking. Your boyfriend isn't a savings and loan. There's no lollipop
or free toaster.
Actually, your boyfriend's the one who needs the lecture.
The girl sucks, but that's an extraneous issue. What we're talking about is financial
responsibility. Is this something you can change about him? I wouldn't bet the
farm. Irresponsible spenders are stubborn. They go on the defensive whenever
there's a question about their fiscal affairs ("Honey, why did you spend the rent check on pay-per-view
fights?"). The rebelliousness makes sense in
a lot of ways. Money is an emotional issue. We've come a long way since having
to beg Mom and Dad for spare change. Few of us want to give that control back,
even if it's for our own good.
One thing you can do is help him get a clear
picture of how it's affecting you as a couple: It limits what you can do on dates.
There's no money for spontaneous splurges or impromptu trips. You fight more
because he's worried about bills. Keep your grievances focused on the bigger
issue (his financial security) and not the minutiae (whom he buys cocktails
for and when). You might also want to let him buy you a round. It'll help ease
your apparent jealousy toward his female friend, and there's no need to make yourself a
martyr. I swear on my NOW membership it
won't ruin your feminist cred.
Dear
Miss Information,
My girlfriend keeps expressing an interest
in watching porn with me. I have a lackluster collection, and I'd like to
find something girlfriend-friendly for her. Might you
have some suggestions? — Sex, Sex and Videotape
Dear Sex, Sex and Videotape,
I'm hesitant to recommend specific titles or sites for two reasons. One, not
all women like the same stuff. I have girlfriends who like to watch gangbangs
and others who can't tolerate anything more than late-night-cable "erotica." It's
more about individual preference than a gender divide. Two, half the fun is discovering
what she likes. Why waste hours of (albeit, enjoyable) research only to present
her with a DVD that goes over like a lead balloon? If she knows you went to the
extra mile to pick it out, she might feel compelled to watch even though it doesn't
turn her on. You don't want to sour her on adult video at this critical juncture.
The next time's she's feeling horny and relaxed, tell
her what's been on your dirty little mind. Then go online together and do some
searches based on fetishes she's shared with you in the past. This is no time
to be a cheapskate. Yes, I know you can find stuff for free. We all can. But
fighting off viruses and penis pill pop-up ads is the epitome of unclassy. HotMovies.com offers
a huge selection, and the price is a penny-pinching perv's wet dream.
Whenever possible, let your girlfriend take the lead.
You might also want to do your video shopping in the adult section of a regular
video store. There's something really hot about going behind the curtain into
that little forbidden room. Plus, you get to play grab-ass as you look at all
the covers. On vacation is another option. Rent an adult film from your hotel
room. The exotic location and new furniture possibilities make for a stellar
first-time experience.
n°
