Female • 20 years old • Europe

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He was a dreadful poser. The first time I saw him at the local alt.gothic club, he and his best friend were wearing dinner jackets, which was extravagant even for the extravagant standards of the venue. He made a beeline to me at the end of the evening and said, "May I take you home?" Totally unprepared, little virgin me mumbled, "Oh, no need, thanks." He left, and I spent the next several months thinking, "stupidstupidSTUPIDstupid little girl."

Months later it was summer, and he appeared again, this time wearing all white (upping the "poser" ante in a gothic club). I acted fast. We started talking about preposterous things: artistic photography, books, exoterism, the Golden Dawn, Aleister Crowley, Chinese alchemy.

Illustration by Thomas Pitilli

But my brain didn't scream, "Douchebag!" It screamed, "I will give my virginity to you because of your long fingers and your high cheekbones and your gray eyes and your beautiful voice." At the end of the evening, he said he'd love to take some "artistic pics" of me, and we could meet the following day at his place. Didn't even kiss me goodnight.

At the appointed hour in the afternoon I rang his bell. He came to open the door wearing an Indonesian man's sarong and a huge Egyptian necklace, eyes heavy with eyeliner. I think he took the fact that I didn't laugh in his face as a sure sign I was going for it (and I so was, after looking at his tiny waist and lean, martial-arts physique). The pics of me never happened. First, he challenged me to a chess game, which I obviously lost. Then, as I was nursing a cold and my voice had dropped many tones, he declared my new lower, nearly masculine voice very sexy, and made me read pages from fave books (including Sade). By that time we were on his Japanese futon. Although he wasn't trying anything overtly sexual, during the hours spent reading we'd gotten closer on the bed, so much that he was holding me in his arms.

Then, while I was reading, he suddenly whispered in my ear, "So, how would you define our relationship?"

"Well, we will definitely be friends," I stammered.

"Friendship has a grayish hue," he declared. At that point I was a bit tired of his posing, and said, "Okay, I think the situation speaks for itself," and pointed to the fact we were in bed and snuggling. Then he kissed me. Finally. A slightly bitter taste I still remember.

A few hours of marvellously slow and decadent sex later, around dawn, he skillfully took my virginity, and I basically spent the next four months in that bed. When he dumped me, I spent two years with his equally pretentious best friend. And after fifteen years, I still am a sucker for dreadful posers. n°


This column is expanding! Now, in addition to your first-time stories, we're looking for stories about the best, worst, weirdest, and funniest times you had sex. Email firsttime@nerve.com with 300-800 words. (Don't worry, we won't print your name — but please do make sure to include your gender, where you were, and how old you were.) Submissions may be edited, especially if you go all Wonder Years on us. Thanks!

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11 Comments

"Friendship has a grayish hue"! This so would not have happened where I grew up in Michigan. I kinda wish it did, tho...

lil commented on 08/04

Yes, we get grey skies in the Midwest but not enough marvelous, slow and decadent sex

DD commented on 08/04

Which begs the question, do women like slow decadent sex? Because I've been trained on more of the piston-like rabbit thumping stuff.

pil commented on 08/04

The deal breaker for me would've been the heavy eyeliner.

YS commented on 08/04

finally a somewhat entertaining story here! pil - yes, of course women like slow decadent sex! we also sometimes like the rabbit stuff, but not as much as you'd think if you learned about women's desires solely from watching porn!

PI commented on 08/05

Yes. As a woman, slow decadent sex all the way. We crave the stuff. We wish that your rabbit thumping stuff would SLOW THE FUCK DOWN and make way for actual loving. Or at least that you could shake it up every once in a while so that the rabbit fucking was only for quickies on Tuesdays.

SMM commented on 08/05

it is almost a travesty, the number of men educated about sex through pornography. at 23, i cannot claim anything different. however, i do have the seemingly rare knowledge that sex with is a woman is different from masturbating into a warm, moist hole. i am sexually active but being single, and having no friends with benefits, i enjoy the times that i do make the love. so let us make it last for an hour or two. multiple rounds. yes please. and it looks like i may be having a girlfriend soon; and yes, she will get the same treatment if she wants it.

vt commented on 08/05

way to go vt, your potential new girlfriend is a lucky woman!

PI commented on 08/06

In my experience, slow and decadent and piston thumping vary. My girl tells me that both have their place. I tend to prefer the slow and decadent though. The trick is learning to read your partner's body language and such.

IPC commented on 08/18

Ah yes...why we are drawn to the people we are drawn to can be so intuitive and yet such a mystery sometimes

DB commented on 09/02

How do you spend 2 years with the best friend? Is that just desparate sluttiness?

AAM commented on 10/20

 

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