The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Gossip Girl preview! Plus: Diddy goes tranny and our top ten new and returning shows. #7: Do Not Disturb and Dirty Sexy Money.
Dating Confessions by You "I have never in my life been able to tell a person that I have feelings for them, except when drunk and horny... so I drink all the time."
Scanner by Emily Farris Today on Nerve's culture blog: The ten most famous wangs in history.
Nerve Amateur Photo Contest: Bubbles This month's winners chosen by The Nerve Video Blog blogger Oliver Miller. This month's contest is "sexiest photo with bubbles." Okay, cool. Someday Nerve is going to run out of good nouns to use in the phrase "sexiest photo with [insert noun here]," and we're going to end up with something like "sexiest photo with retired Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg." But that day is not yet upon us. Anyway, here are my suggestions for the jokey title for this month’s contest: “Bubblicious,” “Trouble in the bubble” (an obscure Pauly Shore reference), “Bubble, yum!” and “Sexubbles!” Here’s hoping that one of those get picked.
Usually, I have trouble picking the winners of these contests, and end up pacing around my apartment, tugging at my hair and mildly groaning to myself, but not this time. No, this time the winners jumped right out at me. But this time I couldn't figure out who to give first, second, or third place to. It was sort of a three-way tie in my head. To break this deadlock, I tried everything, including asking my friends for advice. But my friends just ended up picking entirely different winners from the ones I picked, because my friends are totally batshit insane.
So instead, I had to stare deep inside my psyche — not a pleasant process, let me tell you — and figure out if there was some reason why I couldn't pick a first-place winner. And there was. And here's what I came up with.
Okay now, hear me out. This was originally going to be third place, but then it vaulted on up the charts. Why? Because she's scowling. Or actually, sort of screaming maniacally. I'd really rather that she was smiling coyly yet sexily at me, but instead, she's scowling. …And yet, and yet… she kept creeping into second place, and then I was considering her for first place, and I realized that this must mean something. I find her maniacal scream to be sort of off-putting, but it is a really good photo, and there's a higher degree of difficulty to make a sexy photo with an angry scream in it, and so I made her the winner. Even though...
...EVEN THOUGH I HAVE A MAJOR FETISH FOR ASIAN GIRLS. There. I fucking said it. And I don't mean "fetish" in a "bad way," and by "bad way," I mean I don't have a thing for wanting Asian girls to wear schoolgirl uniforms or to act all submissive, which I personally think is yucky. I just happen to think that most Asian girls are really hot, which, let's face it, they are. There's nothing wrong with that, is there? I mean, we can't have reached such a point with political correctness where I can't say that I think most Asian girls are really hot? You're with me on this one, right? And also...
Third Place
"Double Bubble"
by Anonymousr
..AND ALSO, I HAVE A MAJOR FETISH FOR GIRLS WEARING KNEE-HIGH STOCKINGS. ...And I mean that in a "bad way," I guess. Although, thank god, knee-highs are inanimate objects made of cotton, and therefore, they have no feelings to hurt. By the way, I once had a very hot Asian girlfriend who wore knee-highs almost exclusively, and I still haven't really recovered from it. Witnessing her wearing knee-highs was like being present at the birth of a new star, or some such other poetic metaphor. I'll probably be eighty years old in a wheelchair at a nursing home and still be talking about that girl and those knee-highs. I can't help it. It was just so sexy.
Closer inspection of this photo, however, reveals that this girl is wearing plain old tube socks pushed up all the way, and not actual knee-highs. Hence third-place for this photo.
Oh, right! And I was going to explain my philosophical rationale for choosing the winners in the order that I did. Well, I felt uncomfortable about picking the screaming girl, which made me want to pick her all the more. Plus, the other two just felt too easy, because they were trading on particular sexual foibles of mine. And sometimes, you just have to take the road less traveled, make the less obvious choice, pick the harder route. …Another way to say this would have been just to write the words “I’m pretentious.” But doing that would have made this a much shorter essay.
And that’s it. As always, I urge you to visit me and my pal Jennifer at The Nerve Video Blog: the finest blog in the world… for people who like obscure “Star Wars” jokes. Below are the Honorable Mentions for the contest, about whom I had nothing interesting to say. And so, until we meet again… Shalom!
