Bad Sex With Neal Pollack

May 4, 2004

With the modestly titillating essay below that you are, I assume, about to read, Nerve and I begin collaborating on a new monthly column. It's called "Bad Sex," which requires some explanation. These won't be stories about the times the condom broke, or the partners who accidentally drew blood while giving me hickeys, or ejaculations premature and unwanted. There may be elements of that stuff in the column, but they won't be the primary focus. What I'm trying to do here, with as much humor as I can muster, is to make sense of my erotic history, to draw a sexual map of my life. I have a thesis. Most people's sex lives aren't particularly spectacular, or particularly traumatic. Instead, we all slog through petty humiliations and minor triumphs, punctuated by occasional bursts of passion and long periods of dull inactivity. We all blow opportunities and we all screw up perfectly good friendships because of sex. When I say "Bad Sex," that's what I mean. These are tales of bumbling, of discomfort, of emotional disconnection. They're not about the physical mechanics of sex; I'm hardly one to act as an authority in that regard. Instead, I'm trying to make sense, as honestly as possible, of the minor and major episodes that comprise my sad little life of romance. I hope that you see some of yourselves in these stories. If not, then I invite you to point and laugh, or possibly jeer. I'm used to it. — Neal Pollack

In 1993-94, I started hanging out regularly with a certain woman I knew. She and I both really liked watching basketball on television. It was the first Michael Jordan era, the most exciting period in basketball history, if not in the history of all organized sports. If you were in Chicago then, like I was, you'd know what I'm saying; the games carried an undeniable electric charge. When the Bulls played, the city practically throbbed with energy.

promotion

   I started going over to her apartment the nights of big games. With Jordan at the height of his glory, and the Bulls gunning for their first "Three-peat," an argument could be made for every game as a big one; the drama surrounding the Bulls, while not at the fever pitch of the late-Jordan plus Dennis Rodman years, was almost endless. So I was at her house a lot.
   One night, at halftime of a particularly exciting battle with the Knicks, she and I looked at each other. We were sitting on the floor in front of the TV, pretty close together, along with six empty beer bottles. I grabbed her by the shoulders, and pulled her to me, hard. She responded immediately, with an adrenaline rush of ardor. Our tongues desperately flapped together, like freshly caught fish flopping on the dock. Within seconds, I had her pinned to the ground. I was tearing off her clothes. A moment before, we'd been buddies, but we'd immediately devolved into raw, grunting animals.
  "Before we go any farther," she said, "I have to tell you something."
   I took a second off biting her nipples.
  "Okay," I said.
  "I have herpes," she said.
  "Wow," I said. "That sucks."
  "It's in remission right now," she said. "So we should be fine if we use a condom."
   I stroked her hair.

If my sex life were a basketball game, I only got to take the game-winning shot occasionally.

  "Sure," I said. "I understand."
   This may be hard to believe, but I didn't hesitate. I really wanted to fuck her right there. Halftime was running out. So damn the herpes! I plunged in. The sex was rough, fast, but incredibly pleasurable. She shrieked. Though I can only speak for myself for certain, I think we both came. I lay panting on top of her for a few seconds. But we quickly unclenched and put clothes back on. For some reason, we tacitly understood that we shouldn't watch the game naked.
   When I got home later that night, I thought, as you might be thinking right now, "What kind of an idiot has casual sex with someone with herpes, whether or not it's in remission?" But it never really occurred to me at the time that I might contract it, condom use or no. I was young enough to believe I wasn't the kind of person who gets a venereal disease; it simply didn't have a place on my schedule. Somehow, I was right. She never had an outbreak the whole time we were hoopin' it up. It's been more than a decade, and I'm still among the uninfected, though I don't encourage the impressionable among you to take similar risks.
   I priapically barged ahead, unconcerned. This was a rare experience for me. Getting to have sex had always been such an effort. If I were a player, and my sex life really were a basketball game, I only got to take the game-winning shot occasionally. Even then, I missed it most of the time, and then I got booed, or traded. Let's just say that things often ended badly.

*****

   From June through October, we hardly saw each other, much less fucked. Then came another basketball season along with Jordan's first retirement. But if anything, the season-and-a-half without Jordan was more sexually exciting than the championship years. This isn't to say that Toni Kukoc was more erotically stimulating than Michael Jordan — that would be a fool's claim — but the unpredictability of that team, the fact that they might win or that they might screw up royally, seemed much closer to the reality of my romantic life. As the season progressed, the games only got more exciting, as did our sex. At the second quarter buzzer, we were on each other, pulling hair, spanking, cursing, pushing each other against the wall, trying all kinds of experimental positions, trying to be the sexual equivalent of, oh, why not say it? Trying to be like Mike. Damn, it was hot. And it always ended concurrent with halftime.
   One night, in a rare meeting outside of her home, she and I went to dinner and then went browsing in a bookstore. I was acting depressed, or sullen, or standoffish, or exhibiting some other stereotypically male behavior. She put her arms around my neck, kissed me gently, without tongue, and said, "What's the matter? Are you okay?"
   It was the first sign of real affection we'd ever exchanged. I wasn't pleased; in my mind, we hadn't come together to care about each other, and there it was, staring me in the face. Caring. So even though Jordan had come back by then, I knew that the sex would have to stop. The Bulls lumbered to a 47-35 season and second-round playoff elimination. Our twenty-minute three-time-a-week hump-o-rama made an early exit along with them. But, again, I wasn't anything like Mike. This retirement was permanent.
   A few years later, I ran into her best friend at a party.
  "Hey!" I said. "Great news! I'm getting married!"
  "She certainly won't be glad to hear that," said her friend.
   At no moment before then did I realize that she must have actually had romantic feelings for me all along. Maybe, I thought, I should have approached it differently. Maybe I should have been a real lover, and not just a drop-by three-point fuck buddy. Doing it once would have been fine, but I kept it going for a year and a half. I'd seriously wasted her time, and, I guess, toyed with her heart as well. My gut felt hollow. I put on my phoniest smile.
  "Please," I said. "Give her my best." n°

Next Bad Sex

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
	Neal Pollack is the author of The Neal Pollack Anthology Of American Literature, Beneath The Axis Of Evil, and Never Mind the Pollacks: A Rock and Roll Novel. For a daily dose of his satirical brilliance, visit his website, www.nealpollack.com. He lives in Austin, Texas.

Commentarium (40 Comments)

May 04 04 - 11:15am

i love this writer. he's going to get flak for this piece, but i like the way he's unafraid to look really shallow and not so interesting. he does it, if it's possible with a insight and perspective that makes it worth reading.

May 04 04 - 11:47am

--cc

What 'insight' is that? I saw nothing but a dull story about a typical friend fucking friend scenario. Bad sex? you forgot to mention bad, boring writing.
Let's move on, please.

May 04 04 - 12:52am

I am glad to see someone dedicating a whole series of column on this particular slice from life. I seem to spend an exuberant amount of time myself dwelling on all my own bad sex experiences... ah memories, all the ways it can make me feel proud...
http://www.schemamag.ca

May 04 04 - 7:06am

eva

wow...dude...so she really liked you...that is just so ...deep man.. i think the other students in this high school will really dig it too...

Maybe you could write something about smoking a reefer too, one time...? just to keep it interesting, you know?

May 04 04 - 11:52pm

Not only did she really like you, she appears to have been an entirely decent woman, unlike the former and unfortunately unforgettable fuck buddy I had. After a few weeks of booty call sex, the blisters appeared on my dick and THEN she admits, "Oh yeah, I have herpes. It was supposed to be in remission though." You have no idea how much I would have liked to have known that from the start. Maybe I would have stopped. Maybe I would have gone ahead with the fling. But I really would have liked to have had that choice.

May 04 04 - 12:47pm

bjm

When I was in my 20s, I never recognized a woman's true love as opposed to pure lust. Thing is, I'm in my 50s now... and just figuring it out.

Maybe typically male behavior... maybe just typically me.

Neal: Keep writing.

May 04 04 - 2:47pm

this deserves a column? I'd call it "sucky stories by Neal Pollack." This is a windbag's bloat masquerading as... I don't know, an anecdote? Yikes!

May 04 04 - 3:21pm

jmj

every other tuesday might be all we can stomach. be thankful she told you in advance of her having herpes. this wasn't bad sex, just a man behaving badly.

May 04 04 - 3:57pm

The writing has excellent motion, edges the mire without falling in, and is believable. Of course a lot of us will regret that Neal could be with a woman for a year and a half and not realize she had any feelings for him. But we were all young once, and every one of us made 'coming of age' mistakes. Those of us who made the most similar mistakes to Neal's will probably dislike this story the most, too. Commendations on a neat, honest little story that doesn't turn into a diary entry and keeps its ashamed innocence.

May 04 04 - 4:47pm

So one guy's bad sex stories...just one guy? What, does he just have a lot of really bad sex? Yes, it is an interesting slice of life, these bad sex stories we weave, but just listening to one person's bad sex stories all the time...I thought they paid people to do that.

May 04 04 - 5:30pm

I'm looking forward to reading more "bad sex" experiences. Good idea for a column; great writing.

May 04 04 - 9:31pm

AVW

I don't want to offend anyone, so let me just say when I say 'typicaly' or 'most', I really am speaking in the most general terms.
Anyway, sounds to me like when she was asking how you felt you immediately thought it had to do with the sex part of the relationship advancing into more. However, I think it would have been wise to think of the question as just a friend asking another friend "what's up?".
It seems most men (straight or gay) fear the intimacy part of realationships. It sounds like she really did have those deeper relationship feelings for you in the end. Perhaps if you think of the intimacy part as friends, and the sex part as sex, and stick it out, the two may eventually mesh into one...? This way seemingly avoiding the initial fear of intimacy. That way, when the commitment issue comes up later, you may realize that you're already there. What do I know though, I'm gay and single, and mid 20's. But this is what i'm going to experiment with for my next relationship. Who knows, maybe the commitment issue came up becuase you were ment to marry the other girl. Thus graduating from basketball sex.
Sadly, the striaght guy-girl friendships never seem to get too intimate (no sex). When they do though, whatch out! They're the best! Every straight guy should have a best girl friend. Woman realy have a great perspective to add. Really, I'm not just giving my fag hag's props.

May 05 04 - 3:40am

JJVP

Very nice story, but I don't really see were the BAD comes in. You have killer sex three times a week with a sexy lady, watching sport and drinking beer. You never contract herpies and end the story with the fact that you are getting married. Congratulations. And the sexy lady was a bit gutted because she enjoyed the times you spent togeather...

May 05 04 - 11:50pm

Explain to me the "bad" aspect of this "bad sex" : finding a nice girl who's into having crazy sex, sans commitment, three times a week? That she was unlucky enough to have a stigmatized skin condition, but told you ahead of time so you could be aware that you could get it from her (but you didn't get it)? That she developed feelings for you (that she largely hid and kept your relationship uncomplicated)? That the Bulls eventually started to suck?
I love the idea behind this column but thought the only vaguely "bad" thing about it was the author's obliviousness, which is pretty typical of youth and not so bad at all.

May 05 04 - 8:36pm

If you had just SPOKEN about what you really wanted, than she probably would have been fine with it and not allowed her emotions to get involved but as ususal, a typical friggin' man can't be honest about anything!

May 06 04 - 11:20pm

i too once had a fuck buddy for a period of about 3 years.
after toiling with ,"why am i good enough to fuck but not marry, we made a go at being serious and needless to say i figured it out. he was the one that was good enough to fuck but not marry :)

May 06 04 - 3:34pm

SRF

Yeah right Pollack. The best sex you had during that time was jacking off in the Sovereign Steam Room, while looking at Mr. Hahn sleeping on his recliner by the pool.

May 06 04 - 9:38pm

Pollack wrote that last one.

May 06 04 - 10:55pm

EWW

Interesting to hear the flip side of that situation; I lived the girl's part of it, only our fetish was bass fishing. Yeah, I had romantic feelings for the guy, kept it mostly to myself so I could keep on gettin' the goods. After three years or so, I finally realized I didn't expect more because deep down I thought I didn't deserve it, not because I didn't want it. It was good practice for the real thing...and it WAS real hot.

May 07 04 - 11:11am

EWW

I forgot to mention I met Neal 'bout a year ago. I liked his work. I thought he was hot in that am-I-agro-enough?-huh?-huh?! kind of way. It's quite the dose of reality to see him writing a colomn about his bad sex (or bad additude about sex, that is). Reality is good, not stimulating in this case, but interesting reading.

May 07 04 - 1:01am

clk

A male friend recommended this site to me and this column. I'm the woman; we've been friends for 20 years; and we've had sex, and we've lived through it -- and are still great friends. But, heck, it was only luck that kept us on the same page--it's not like we talked it through. I like the concept and the stories. We muddle through and sometimes it really works -- and sometimes it don't. Thanks.

May 07 04 - 8:17am

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe she would be unhappy (annoyed) about it, since she wasted her time on you and what sounds like bad sex for her (biting nipples? hard and fast?) and then some girl is marrying you and chances are your technique hasn't improved much?

May 07 04 - 11:57pm

i thoroughly enjoyed this piece. i'm wondering why so many are quick to point out what they think should have happened. i'm quite sure that mr. pollack is not going to call the girl and say "hey, i know this happened almost a decade ago... i wrote a column about what happened, and some person i don't know said i should have told you i was just in it for sex." one of the caveats of bad sex is that it can be guilt inducing, even later and unexpectedly. to that purpose, this essay accomplishes what it set out to do.

May 07 04 - 2:20pm

Neal needs to do a little Herpes research. He doesn't outright say it but he infers he had unprotected sex with a woman who has Herpes and did not contract the STD. However small the chance, it is possible to contract Herpes and never have an outbreak, or have a very minor outbreak and not notice. While the greatest chance of contracting Herpes is during an outbreak it can be contracted at other times as well.

So welcome to the Wonderful World of STDs. While I did my research I was never able to find even an estimate of the possibility of contracting Herpes in this manner I did find out it is possible.

Mr. Pollack may have Herpes, however small the chance. To state he doesn't is incorrect.

May 08 04 - 12:03am

The sex was never once unprotected. Perhaps I should have mentioned my fetish for condom use.

Neal

May 10 04 - 12:36am

Love the idea for the column, like you said - cinematic sex occurs pretty rarely in real life, and I'd much rather read about the time when the fucking condom fell off inside her and didn't come out for 3 days, you know? That's something I think Nerve readers can identify with, features on "My best menage-a-trois story" are pretty useless...
Entertaining writing.
-C

May 10 04 - 11:04pm

adb

Only one of the many relationships in which a guy felt more excited and free to have hot, experimental sex because he was not on the hook to 'care'. Hey, she was just a sports buddy.

May 10 04 - 11:24pm

Liked your story and no, I wasn't thinking what an idiot you are for having sex with a herpoid. I have been married seven years, with my hubby 14 and I have the dread ailment. He doesn't and we have a ball. No condoms, no problems, only common sense and a good diet.
Thanks for the sincere and honest story. You sound like a good guy.

May 10 04 - 6:43pm

Hmph. Neal Pollack puts the bad in Bad Sex writing. Maybe it should be called Boring Sex With Neal Pollack. Here's a tip: in a Bad Sex column worth reading, Neal's dick would become a festering dripping sore, and his Sorts Fan Fuck Buddy would knock him upside the head with a baseball bat in public. That's bad. The next column better be about the time you took it in the ass on a bet in front of a live audience, or your goddamned psuedo-hipster yellow and orange Aryan nation soft core gen x piece of shiot website is gonna be taken off my favorites list. Webby award my ass. This website is Starbucks.

May 13 04 - 8:51pm

JMK

Wow...HL has quite a high opinion or him(her)self...Everyone...say goodbye to Nerve because HL is taking it off his favorites so this site HAS to go down now.

Nice start on the new column...it felt a bit too much like an apology, but maybe that was the point. Just think...the poor girl had to spill her guts about the herpes only to learn...18 months later...that she'd have to do it again the to next guy.

Jun 15 04 - 10:17pm

ejc

"What kind of an idiot has casual sex with someone with herpes, whether or not it's in remission?"

Lots of people do. About 25 - 30% of the population has herpes - and most don't know it. And up to 80 or 90% of the population has oral herpes, which can be transmitted genitally through oral sex. I got tested (ask your doctor for an IgG type specific herpes blood test) and found out I had it, despite never having a recognizable outbreak. Regardless, I've had my share of casual sex both before and after I knew I had herpes. Having herpes (or any STD) does not mean you can't still lead an active and fulfilling sex life. The transmission rate *without condoms*, just avoiding sex during outbreaks, is less than 4%/year from women to men, and 8% or so from men to women - and suppressive therapy cuts that in half. I urge you to do some research on herpes and STDs in general - it's good to be informed :-)

Oct 01 04 - 8:40pm

The whole posting thing with inserting web site adresses seems more like spam.What are you inserting your url here for?

Aug 12 05 - 2:23pm

At least the young lady who had sex with you was honest about her herpes. It's rather sad that you made the comment that, (I'm paraphrasing) if you weren't so horny, you probably wouldn't have considered having casual sex with her because of her herpes. I applaud her for telling you about her condition and it was the only right thing to do, but mentalities like the one in your thoughts later on that night often contribute to people NOT telling their partners about an STD they have, whatever it may be. Those of us with an STD need more understanding from our partners, even if the sex is casual.

Aug 12 05 - 9:26pm

I really liked the column. I'm a girl in a similar situation and sometimes it's refreshing to get a glimpse inside what guys are really thinking. It's easier to cut my losses and move on. Good writing. Looking forward to the next one.

Jul 01 06 - 4:12pm

to tell wear they had sex and when they had sex

Jul 01 06 - 4:13pm

to tell wear they had sex and when they had sex

Jan 08 09 - 11:49pm

BAJ

How awful to realize I've been that girl (minus the herpes). Thanks for writing this story. It helps to shed a little light on the male mind...

Becky

Nov 10 10 - 8:01am

Wing Lee

I LOVE SEX!!!!