Sunday is for Stimulants
A “stimulant” could be many things. More or less, stimulants give you energy. This should mean they encourage you to fuck longer and more frequently, but some of them make you really jittery, which precludes much sexin’. Take today to find the right stimulant for you. There are options like Adderall, which you can steal from a hyperactive child, but that would be dumb, because it will just cause your hands to shake and make you better at math. Doctors prescribe it for kids because it’s a kiddie drug, duh. Taking Adderall is like owning lots of Hello Kitty paraphernalia: you think you look like a sexy Japanese schoolgirl, but you really just look like a monument to your own Electra complex designed by Frank Gehry after the accident. There are also options like crack, which is super-addictive and will make you a crazy super-criminal and thus is a bad idea. Benzedrine comes highly recommended by Jack Kerouac, and to hear him talk, all he did was get fellated by fifteen-year-old girls, so that’s a good bet.
Monday is for MDMA
MDMA stands for methylenedioxy-n-methylamphetamine. It also stands for, “Why are all those kids eating Vicks Vapo-Rub?” It is ecstasy, and people get really weird when they are on it. They talk forever about how it has changed them. In response, you think, “Yeah, it made you really boring.” You don’t want that to happen to you, so don’t do E. Just hang out with people while they are on it. Why? Because people on E think you are great and like to touch things. If you play your cards right, you can get someone who is rolling to rub your feet or go down on you for six hours straight, even if you are ugly and sketch.
Tuesday is for Tripping
People who do too much acid go really crazy for their entire lives. They eat squirrels and tell you that you’re made of cosmic dirt. People who do the right amount of acid only do these things for a few hours. If you really enjoy watching things turn into something else, then maybe this is the drug for you. If you generally think it’s okay that things stay what they are, there’s not much point. You don’t really want to have sex while you’re tripping, because often you think people’s heads are exploding and stuff. But if you have cable, you should drop and see if you can find this one show on the Spice Channel that’s all blacklight porn. It’s just people fucking with glowing powder all over their skin. You might become convinced that you’ve traveled back to the beginning of time and that the porn people are seraphim acting out the entropic dance of the universe.
Wednesday is for Weed
Stoned sex is really, really good, because when you are high everything feels extra-tingly. But it’s also problematic: it’s really hard to get someone to sleep with you or, for that matter, to decide to sleep with someone. You just want to eat peanut butter with your hands and talk about how, before there were stoves, people might have cooked their food with magnifying glasses. You forget how good stoned sex is. For this reason, it’s good to smoke pot with your boyfriend or girlfriend, or at least someone you don’t have to worry about seducing. Perhaps you should write yourselves a note before you smoke. It could read, “When we are high, we should have sex.” You could post that note on the fridge or someplace where you would definitely see it.
Thursday is for Things That Are Legal
Most good drugs are not legal. Alcohol is the obvious exception, and it is also the only reason there are ever any orgies. Alcohol makes you think everyone is really attractive, and it makes you not be a pussy who can’t just go up and say “Hi” to her. Sometimes you do stupid shit and wake up embarrassed, but that’s okay. Everyone else has, too again, alcohol is legal, so even middle management and your grandmother use it. The bad thing about alcohol is that it’s the only drug besides heroin that will make you throw up. You should aim for the orgy level of drunkenness, which on a scale of 1 (sober) to 10 (dead) is about a 5, without crossing over into the vomiting level, which is like a 6.5 or a 7. There are other legal drugs like Sharpie markers and seltzer cartridges, which are maybe okay if you are trapped on a desert island or in Jersey without any other drugs, but that’s about it.
Friday is for Forgetting
Alcohol is okay for not remembering things, but if you really want to wake up naked in the street in another state and have no idea how you got there, you want to go with GHB or rufies. However, you don’t really want to do this. It’s unbecoming, and usually you end up with no money somehow.
Saturday is for Sleeping it Off
Even professional addicts need their downtime, so it’s natural that you will need to take a rest. This is why it’s good to live near Canada. Cough syrup with codeine is legal in the tundra if it weren’t, everyone would be more alert and realize that they were cold and miserable. Then they would move, and there would be no one left to speak fake French and eat pancakes. Why don’t you rent a motel room with a heart-shaped bed in Niagara Falls, knock back a bottle or two of syrup, and pass out, ’70s rockstar-style, secure in the knowledge that you’ve done good.