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May 14, 2003
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| 1. Do not leave voicemail. 2. Do not call anyone whose number is not already programmed into your phone. 3. Do not re-record your outgoing voice mail message, adding a musical interlude or any reference to yourself as "[ ] from the block." 4. Do not listen to old, saved messages from those who have caused you heartache. If you fuck up and erase them, that would be very sad. 5. If a guy calls and tells you he's going to a party but will call you if it's "terrible," don't answer when/if he calls back. 6. Do not call to check how the party is. 7. Do not send the following text message: "hey. if u want, stop by after. i'll be up." 8. Do not call anyone to get their ex-boyfriend's number (see #2). 9. Do not use your phone in the bathroom, near large bodies of water or if you feel like you might vomit. 10. If you are obsessed with some hipster kid and are kind of, say, stalking him (if hanging out at the dog run he frequents, sans dog, can be considered stalking) and he has a radio show on the local station, do not call in and request Yo La Tengo's "Stockholm Syndrome." 11. Do not order a delivery of sashimi deluxe and wasabi dumplings without checking to see if you have adequate cash on hand. 12. Do not call the guy from the Personals who stopped calling after a handful of "dates" and say, "By the way, you are so not six feet tall." 13. Do not aim at his head. And make sure the antenna is pushed in all the way, if it's one of those retractable ones. 14. Do not call the guy you thought you were dating, whom you have not seen for six weeks, who never calls you back, for whom you have left repeated, pathetic drunken-dialing messages (see No. 1), to say "Hey, I'm just calling to let you know I'm deleting your phone number." 15. Do not confess huge, intensely embarrassing secrets. 16. If you almost confess a huge, intensely embarrassing secret but stop yourself and say "never mind," and the person you were about to confess to insists, "It's too late, you can't just say never mind" — DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. Do not continue phone call. 17. Do not answer the phone if caller ID indicates it is your boss and he is in a time zone in which it might not immediately make sense that you are completely fucked up. 18. Do not fall asleep on it, choke on your own vomit and die. 19. Do not make a booty call to that psycho guy who is pretty incredible in bed but stands you up on a regular basis and is basically not particularly nice. 20. Do not call that psycho guy who is pretty incredible in bed but stands you up on a regular basis and say, "Hey, I'm writing a piece called '20 Things Not to Do With Your Phone When You're Drunk' . . . and you're one of them." n° |
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Commentarium (18 Comments)
Since it's almost impossible to follow these rules when you're drunk, with judgement impaired and all, you would think that Nokia or Samsung would already have come out with an 'alcohol detector' that determines the alcohol level from your breath and automatically blocks everything but transportation and emergency numbers on your cell phone. Seriously.
Jen - absolutely hysterical, once again. HAhaha
What does #18 have to do with a phone? F-filler!
Too funny! Why why why do we dial drunk when nothing good can ever come of it?
This is most hilarious. I almost sent it to the guy I usually do the bad cellphone thing with when I'm drunk, but did not due to the humiliation factor. Well done.
HAHA - I'm actually printing this out as a helpful little reminder to myself. While I haven't accomplished all of said things on list, I'm pretty sure I could fall prey to any of them at any time...
Thanks for best laugh I've had all week.
i don't get it. must be for chicks
cute
This sucked. Try a little harder, girl. Both in the prose and in the self-esteem department.
Jen and Carrie rock me out of my moccasins.
this was really lame, both the list and the transcript.
Hi Carrie. If that guy with the text messages was such a "stalker", why'd you keep writing him back?
DRUNK
This is bleedin' pathetic. It is not imaginative, not well written, and neither funny nor witty. Makes me think of uncertain jittery giggly tippling urban hipsters in their early twenties. Egad, people, how many of you are there in New York?
That's great but I was looking for a similar advice page about personal ads. I can no longer find it anywhere.
both funny. shocker!
Jen -
My roommate and I found your cel rules very very very useful. We are both guilty of terrible cel phone behavior when drunk. For convenience, we have copied your rules on to a laminated wallet-sized cards. This will help us big time!! Thanks a mil!!! luv liz
or if your just a general sad fuckin bastard- K
Now you say something