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1. Do not leave voicemail.

2. Do not call anyone whose number is not already programmed into your phone.

3. Do not re-record your outgoing voice mail message, adding a musical interlude or any reference to yourself as “[     ] from the block.”

4. Do not listen to old, saved messages from those who have caused you heartache. If you fuck up and erase them, that would be very sad.

5. If a guy calls and tells you he’s going to a party but will call you if it’s “terrible,” don’t answer when/if he calls back.

6. Do not call to check how the party is.

7. Do not send the following text message: “hey. if u want, stop by after. i’ll be up.”

8. Do not call anyone to get their ex-boyfriend’s number (see #2).

9. Do not use your phone in the bathroom, near large bodies of water or if you feel like you might vomit.

10. If you are obsessed with some hipster kid and are kind of, say, stalking him (if hanging out at the dog run he frequents, sans dog, can be considered stalking) and he has a radio show on the local station, do not call in and request Yo La Tengo’s “Stockholm Syndrome.”

11. Do not order a delivery of sashimi deluxe and wasabi dumplings without checking to see if you have adequate cash on hand.

12. Do not call the guy from the Personals who stopped calling after a handful of “dates” and say, “By the way, you are so not six feet tall.”

13. Do not aim at his head. And make sure the antenna is pushed in all the way, if it’s one of those retractable ones.

14. Do not call the guy you thought you were dating, whom you have not seen for six weeks, who never calls you back, for whom you have left repeated, pathetic drunken-dialing messages (see No. 1), to say “Hey, I’m just calling to let you know I’m deleting your phone number.”

15. Do not confess huge, intensely embarrassing secrets.

16. If you almost confess a huge, intensely embarrassing secret but stop yourself and say “never mind,” and the person you were about to confess to insists, “It’s too late, you can’t just say never mind” — DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. Do not continue phone call.

17. Do not answer the phone if caller ID indicates it is your boss and he is in a time zone in which it might not immediately make sense that you are completely fucked up.

18. Do not fall asleep on it, choke on your own vomit and die.

19. Do not make a booty call to that psycho guy who is pretty incredible in bed but stands you up on a regular basis and is basically not particularly nice.

20. Do not call that psycho guy who is pretty incredible in bed but stands you up on a regular basis and say, “Hey, I’m writing a piece called ’20 Things Not to Do With Your Phone When You’re Drunk’ . . . and you’re one of them.” 

A cautionary, real-life transcript provided by Carrie Hill Wilner
BOLD = Carrie
ITALICS = Stalker

Fri, April 11th

9:36 pm
What are you doing tonight? We are on Ludlow — come!

9:37 pm
Party on West Side. Can’t. Later, yo.

whose party? parties suck. come out. max’s fish.


aren’t u sorry u are at lame party & not out?

Eli, please don’t make this any more difficult for either of us than it has to be. I am staying at party, which btw, is NOT lame.

pls give me 1 more chance.

stop it. for real.

how is party? sorry about before.

np. party is ok…

just okay? cme down, to Wlcm Jhnsns. wont be wierd.

yes it will. please. no more mssages.

u kno, ths rlly sucks hardcore. youre mking big dl out of noting.

need spce. we can talk tom. AM?

nt tomm am. now. i can cme to party.

no. prty is out of alchl anyway. so early.

so, cme dwntwn. pianos.

i h8 pnos. is jason thre?

we know brtndr. is chep. jason is hr. why?

json is nice. maybe …

Carrie? This is Jason. Come downtown. Eli is a very nice boy, and is very sorry.

Jason — I kno he is nce, but I said i needed spce, and he is not rspectng my dictum.

rspctng dictum? wtf, Caesar? whatvr. don’t come down. ths is eli again, btw.

fuck you, eli.

no, fuck you. u wre all over me th other nite, now wtf? r u drunk?

i categoricalLy may or Maynot be. whre r u now?

we r going to jasons to smke. cme with. — orchard, # 4

am in taxi and sorry.

me too. nt in taxi. sorry.

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