Editors’ note: In honor of Mother’s Day, we asked our intern Diane to boldly go where no other Nerve staff member has gone before, or rather, where no other Nerve staff member was willing to go: to their mom, in search of great sex tips. But as with every other lame job we’ve given Diane (like keeping irate couriers at bay and organizing the broom closet), she accepted the challenge with a smile and picked up the phone. Thanks again, brave, brave Diane. And Happy Mother’s Day, Mrs. Campese!
Diane: Hi, Mom!
Mom: Hi Pookie, how was work today?
Oh, someone in the office discovered this new website called RateMyCock.com, and it was like a chain reaction: within a minute, everyone in the office was looking at these pictures of dicks that you’re supposed to rate on size and style.
Oh God, there’s a style?
Yeah. Like, the overall appearance of the apparatus, size . . .
Yeah. There was one guy whose balls were all purple; they looked like they had been shrink-wrapped. It was bad. So you can log in and rate all these guys’ penises.
Wait a minute. Like, if I wanted to do that, I could?
Yep . . . So I think Jay [Diane’s boyfriend] is thinking about buying some sexy underwear.
For the purpose of . . . ?
This is a conversation for you and Nikki [Diane’s best friend].
As in, I should talk about this with her?
I would think. Why do you want to talk about Jay’s underwear with me?
Because I talk about everything with you! I mean, Nikki came to you for advice about her boyfriend, so why shouldn’t I be able to talk to you about mine?
But his underwear?
Did Daddy ever want to wear sexy underwear for you?
Now, do you know the man? Have you seen the man? He’s been wearing tighty-whities forever.
Did you ever wear sexy underwear for him?
No. Not really. I mean, I had nicer underwear when I was thinner, instead of my orthopedic grandmom panties. But no, I was never into really sexy underwear.
Any particular reason? Like, “Eh, why bother?”
Do you think it’s trashy or do you like
Oh, no, I think it’s nice. I just don’t think they make it in my size.
Sure they do. So, do you think the male ass belongs in a thong? Or any other sort of sultry underwear?
I don’t think so. But that’s my opinion. I don’t like to see the package.
Looks like a bag of marbles?
Yeah, bag of marbles. Or that little seed sack the Neanderthals used to put their jerky in or whatever while they were out hunting and gathering.
So, the reason why I’m asking you all these sex questions is for a Nerve feature on the best sex advice from our moms, in honor of Mother’s Day.
Oh my God!
And I figured if there’s one mom who will talk about things that no other mom will venture into, it’s Linda Subramanian [Diane’s friend’s mom], but she’s unavailable, so it’s up to you.
The best sex advice I could give ya? Make sure you train your man. Don’t wait for him to get better if he ain’t good to begin with.
Like, better in the kitchen or better in the sack?
Better in the sack. You can always buy him a fuckin’ cookbook to read. Yeah, if in six months, he ain’t coming up with nothin’, you either dump him, or you start teaching him how. And where. The “where” is almost more important than the “how.” Because sometimes they never find that shit: “Is it here, is it here, is it there, is that it?” Ugh.
I know, it can start to feel like you’ve been sucked up by aliens.
Like you’ve been probed. And then it’s like enough is enough already . . . So, that’s my advice.
Train him early?
Train him early or dump him fast. Don’t expect things to ever change. Don’t expect him to get better on his own.
Should you use sexual aids like vibrators and porno?
I don’t know about the vibrator part. That’s all about someone’s individual taste. A little porno, I think, never hurt anybody. But not if you have to watch porno every time. And some of the porno out there is just nasty. I find a lot of it very boring.
Okay, well, thanks for participating.
Oh, okay, anytime. You’re not putting my name on this, are you?
No, just my name.
But it’s the same name!