| [Editor’s note At Nerve HQ, we have certain traditions. Some of them, like the new-employee “spanking machine,” die a lawsuit-related death. Some persevere. Around Mother’s Day, we like to force employees to call their moms, ask for explicit sex advice and record the conversations. Last year, everyone flaked except one brave soul. That has also become a tradition. This year, the last person standing was our VP, Alisa Volkman.]
Asking my mother for sex advice was oddly appealing. Maybe that’s because I enjoy applying shock therapy to our relationship. For years, that steel magnolia struggled valiantly to instill “good Southern values” in my two sisters and me. Clearly, she believes she has failed, because she misses no opportunity to call us “three curious and liberal women.” Loosely translated, this means “flexible sluts, well-versed in multi-positioned premarital sex, who apparently know nothing about cows and milk.” Alisa Volkman
Alisa: Hey, mom.
Does this say something about our relationship?
Just kidding. I’ll call you right back.
Alisa? Jesus, that makes me so angry. It’s been going on for months.
Listen, I’m calling about a project for work.
Okay, I have a work project I wanted to talk to you about. You know how Mother’s Day is on Sunday?
Yeah, and I’m calling, um . . . about sex advice.
Well, um, I didn’t really prepare any questions.
[laughing] No, we’re all just interviewing our moms.
To get sex advice.
Well, do you have any tips for me?
Or any advice you offered me a long time ago. Like, do you remember when you first told us about sex? Um, did you ever tell us about sex?
Do you still feel that way?
Do you think my sisters and I have broken that cardinal rule?
How do you know?
Right . . . ?
So your best piece of advice is, “Why buy the cow when the milk’s free?”
[teasing] Okay, so the cow is sex and the milk is marriage?
Oh. So I’m the cow, and the milk is sex.
Well, okay. But since he’s already had the milk, any advice you can give me?
Now that I’m sexually active, do you have any tips?
Mom, let’s try for more romantic advice.
Okay, Mom, now we’re getting there. Did you ever find there were things that men . . . or Dad . . . didn’t like, so I can be the most . . .
You were never the wild sort?
You were never in the Mile High Club?
Did you ever think about it?
None of the pilots tried to convince you to try it?
And you never did?
It was always for the bedroom?
Okay, so your sex advice is, “Only have sex after you’re married and only in the bedroom”?
No, I’m asking for advice.
Okay, so you’re never found it more enjoyable in different rooms of the house?
You didn’t believe in christening every room?
Has our interview ended?
But Mom, you gotta leave me with some good-hearted sex advice!
Well, one last question. Did you, um, ever mess around with your girlfriends?
Well, we’re interviewing our mothers because it’s Mother’s Day.
So no last advice for our readers?
Online. We’re just offering tips from our moms.
But then after you start having sex, any good advice you can offer?
Because you’re making me laugh. You don’t have even one piece of advice.
I don’t know. Like any good tricks of the trade.
And you haven’t?!
So you only believe in the missionary position?
Because you’re shy?
Okay. Two more questions. What do you think of women who have sex before marriage?
What do you think about where I’m working?
You haven’t been online lately?
Have you heard anything about it?
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