Best Mutual Masturbation: Y Tu Mamá También

Director Most Likely to Overcompensate for Nerdy Disposition with Cunnilingus Acumen: Tie between Michael Moore (Bowling for Columbine) and Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings)

Most Egregious Lack of Male Nudity in a Sexy Film: Olivier Martinez in Unfaithful

Least Deserving of the Label "Sex Symbol" (male): Eminem

Least Deserving of the Label "Sex Symbol" (female): Brittany Murphy

Best Case for BDSM as Part of a Healthy Relationship: Secretary

Worst Case for BDSM: The Piano Teacher

Kids Movie Most Likely to Be Mistaken for Softcore Porn: Agent Cody Bangs

Worst Example of False Advertising in a Movie Title: XXX

Worst Example of False Advertising in a Movie Trailer: Kirsten Dunst's cleavage in the promos for Spider-Man

Most Insidious Sexism Disguised in a Lighthearted Romantic Comedy: My Big Fat Greek Wedding

Best Make-Up: Chicago, for creating the illusion that Renée Zellwegger's eyes were actually open for once

Best Gigantic Vagina: Talk to Her

Best Sexual Tension: Steve Martin and Queen Latifah in Bringing Down the House

Hottest Topless Animated Character: Little Creek in Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron

Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Grant Stoddard as Prison Bitch No. 3 in Hard Evidence 2

Most Realistic Depiction of Female Body Hair: (three-way tie) Frida Kahlo's eyebrows in Frida, the chin whiskers in My Big Fat Greek Wedding and the bush of the gigantic vagina in Talk to Her

Most Nauseating Hollywood Couple: Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy

Most Nauseating Hollywood Couple Who Are Just Faking It to Promote Their Crap Movies: Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck

Most Interesting Rumored Hollywood Couple: Eminem and Kim Basinger

Least Interesting Rumored Hollywood Couple: Colin Ferrell and Britney Spears

Best Hollywood Decision Made on Crack: The announcement that Alfonso Cuaron, director of the sexy Y Tu Mamá También, will make the next Harry Potter movie

Best Porno Title Inspired by the 75th Academy Award Nominations: (four-way tie) Gang Bangs of New York, Dirt Road to Perdition, 8 Inch and My Big Fat Greek Kabob  n°

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Lorelei has written for Glamour, Men's Journal, The Guardian (U.K.), Details and the Boston Phoenix. She and her evil twin Emma Taylor write Nerve's weekly horoscopes and sex advice columns. They've also written Nerve's two original books, "The Big Bang" (out now) and "Nerve's Guide to Sex Etiquette" (forthcoming Winter '04). Some of Lorelei's specific qualifications for her residency at Nerve (since 1998) include early-'80s short stories inspired by the "good parts" of secretly-bought romance novels and an eleventh-grade English term paper on Lady Chatterly's Lover.

For more Lorelei Sharkey, read: Puppy Lust Have You Seen This Girl? The Bedroom Interview with G. Love Scrambled Eggs The Bedroom Interview with Duncan Sheik Bare Naked Editors Smut for Chicks Not the Pin-Up We Played Her For: An Interview with Bettie Page The Em & Lo Down: Advice from Near-Experts Nerve Horoscopes: Your Week in Sex The Big Bang