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Do you wish your boss would notice more than your spelling errors? Do you dream about your assistant taking off those horn-rimmed glasses? If so, it’s time to take some advice from Hollywood, where the rules of office romance have remained relatively unchanged since the 1930s.
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Save your fights for the office. There’s nothing like a few good insults to spice up your work environment. For example: “If I ever lay my two eyes on you again, I'm gonna walk right up to you and hammer on that monkey-eyed skull of yours 'til it rings like a Chinese gong."
See: His Girl Friday, Adam’s Rib. |
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Trust out-of-town executives who want to show you a good time.
See: In the Company of Men, Fatal Attraction. |
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Leave embarrassing sexual confessions on your supervisor’s voicemail. It’s a great way to build intimacy without ever making eye contact.
See: Haiku Tunnel. |
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Let your boss use your apartment for sexual encounters. It may lead to a promotion, but it’s more likely Shirley Maclaine will OD in your bedroom.
See: The Apartment. |
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Suck up to your superiors with sex; it will make you a valuable member of the team.
See: How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying, The Red-Headed Woman, The Producers, The Office Wife. |
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Make your coworkers feel awkward by hitting on them during work. Instead, disguise yourself as a frumpy introvert at the office, then bump into them on weekends as your sexy alter ego.
See: Ever Since Eve, Superman. |
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Steal your boss’s boyfriend. In fact, steal your boss’s whole life, and lead it in a more capable, creative and ethical manner than she would.
See: Working Girl. |
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Talk about sex during work, or work during sex. And never share your “o-face” with anyone.:
See: Network, Disclosure, Office Space. |
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Date other people’s secretaries, who inevitably know more about your business than you do.
See: Boiler Room, How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. |
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Date your own secretary. Potential lawsuits aside, it exponentially increases your chances of being jailed, kidnapped or killed.
See: 9 to 5, American Psycho, The Spanish Prisoner. |
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Ask out the temp. If she says no, you’ll probably never see her again. If she says yes, you could save yourself a doomed, expensive wedding. See: The Baxter, Clockwatchers.
Exception: DON’T ask out the temp if her arrival coincides with freak paper-shredder and cookie-factory accidents. See: The Temp. |
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Make puppets modeled after your hot coworkers and use them to act out your fantasies.
See: Being John Malkovich. |
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Think twice before jumping into bed with a business client. Preferably, your conflicted internal monologue should take the form of a hit song.
See: Lover Come Back. |
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Share an office with Michael Douglas.
See: Wall Street, Disclosure, Fatal Attraction. |
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Date the boss’s daughter — and let the boss date yours.
See: In Good Company, Wolf. |
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Note that there are exceptions to every rule.
See: Secretary.
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©2005 Nerve.com. |
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