|
|
|
 1.
Lip liner. To paraphrase David Cross: "Lip liner makes your
mouth look like an asshole. You're talking and I'm imagining six different
types of shit coming out of your mouth." |
 2.
Instant messaging.
j_dunlevy_69: so do u want to go out with me?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: Of course!
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I don't get to go out of the house very much.
j_dunlevy_69: me neither
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: My dad is so crazy!
j_dunlevy_69: do u even mind that i am 19?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: No way! But he might
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: He will not allow me to have a boyfriend.
j_dunlevy_69: why?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: He says my womb must be kept pure.
j_dunlevy_69: do u think that also?
a_m_b_e_r_4_e_v_e_r: I don't know. He is very religious and stuff.
|
 3.
Office cubicles. The ultimate in sexual frustration: a tiny
little room too private to flirt with your neighbor and too public to
pleasure yourself. |
| 4. Match.com personals. Fun-loving gal,
42, likes long walks on the beach, long Sunday afternoons at Linens 'n' Things,
bridge . . . PLEASE KILL ME. |
 5.
Lord of the Rings. The movies are fine, but did you
know that if you read the trilogy three times in a year you actually
get your virginity back?
|
 6.
Denise Richards. Sexy two years ago, but now looks like she's been ridden hard and hung out wet. |
| 7. Nu Metal. Musical genre or soundtrack
for gang rape? The debate continues. As fads go, makes goth look positively
sensible. |
| 8. Teddies. One time, a girl surprised us
by wearing a satin teddy to bed. We excused ourselves to the bathroom and had
a little cry. |
| 9. Livejournal. How
I'm feeling: bored. Song stuck in my head: "Raspberry Beret." Air
of mystery that once surrounded me: gone. |
| 10. Star diets. Has anyone seen the
other half of Beyonce Knowles, Kate Winslet, or Christina Ricci? 'Cause
it left with all the good parts. |
| 11. Drinks with "sexy" names. Bar
patrons who order a "screaming orgasm," "sex on the beach," "blow
job," or "long slow screw against the wall" are 77% less
likely to get laid than the ones drinking beer. Wonder why. |
| 12. Heath Ledger. They fussed
over him a while ago, but he just looks like your older cousin's dumb metal
boyfriend from 1987. |
 13.
Ashton Kutcher. Okay, the backlash started already, but it still hasn't been publicly pointed out that his neck is thicker than his
head. Shit like that was genetically selected against a million years
ago. |
| 14. Fan fiction. That gangbang between
the Backstreet Boys and the cast of Buffy is much hotter in your head than
on your website. Please keep it there. |
 15.
Pilates. Yoga minus the kinky contortions. There are better
ways to spend an hour on your back. |
| 16. Jenny from the block. Forget the "real" J-Lo.
We'd rather fuck the one who demands white candles and 450,000-thread-count
sheets in her hotel room. |
| 17. Valium. It gained fame as
the drug that kept Donna Reed fem-bots from having nervous breakdowns and
burning the roast. Except you're not cute like Donna Reed. You're just
slurring your speech. Stop it. |
 18.
Your cats. Attachment to a non-human mammal that
doesn't give a fuck about you bespeaks emotional damage. It's the kind that transforms you from "alluringly quirky" to "certifiable." |
| 19. Little digital cameras on your cell phone. These are for taking dirty pictures and posting them online, not for snapping your fully clothed friends in bars. When will the populace understand this? |
| 20. Television. Despite the amount of
reality raunch on the small screen, "Come over and watch a movie" is
always going to be more of a jeans-loosener than "come over and watch
TV." |
| 21. Over-grooming. Being clean and neat
is good. People appreciate a white smile and trimmed fingernails. If you're
spending time and money getting your asshole bleached, step back for a
sec. |
| 22. Perfume/cologne. A throwback
from a time when people didn't wash. |
| 23. Continentals. Everything sounds
sexy with an outrageous accent. Sure, whatever they say seems profound,
but that's because their 300-word vocabulary was gleaned entirely from Doors records.
Context, people! |
| 24. The movie Unfaithful. Case
in point. Only archetypal soccer moms get hot
and bothered by the idea of an unkempt Gallic type who speaks in prose.
Yuck! |
 25.
Stillettoes. Exactly 87% of women who wear them hobble around
like newborn foals. |
| 26. Martini glasses. By the
time you drag your Cosmo or sidecar across the bar, there's 40%
less liquid in it. |
| 27. Food — particularly oysters — as
aphrodisiacs. Funny
how all these vaguely genital-esque foods happen to be culinary Spanish
Fly. "It kind of looks like a lady's naughty part!" he
says. "Mmmm ... I'm eating it as if it were a big glob of come," she
replies. "Perhaps we should go and do it!" they say and promptly
leave the raw bar. A load of posh nonsense. |
 28.
Smoking fetishes. Blowing smoke rings is a neat trick. So is
the "French inhale." As for people who jerk off while
thinking about this, in the same way that foot fetishists graduate
to shoe fetishism, do
cig
pervs
end
up worshipping
emphysema? |
 29.
All-over tans. Frequently accompanied by a clean-shaved pubic
region, a pot belly and a NASCAR visor. A deep-tanned penis looks like
a dry-cured meat snack you bought at a gas station. Tan lines — hot! |
| 30. Coldplay. The new
Portishead. By this, we mean they make wayyyyy overplayed sex music, the audio equivalent
of a party van or bearskin rug. Like mad cow disease, Chris Martin's songs
seep into your head and slowly mutilate your DNA until your brain is soup. |
| 31. Candles. Another lame sexual accoutrement
handed down from our parents' generation, like Kenny
G and bubble bath. Some company
must market these items in combination as the Hot Lover's Fun Pak. Probably
with a silk scarf and an ice-cube tray. |
| 32. Tongue Rings. You having a tongue
ring in 2003 is like us prancing around in eight-ball jackets. After
four drinks you'll slur that it makes oral sex feel amazing. It doesn't! |
 33.
Lower-back tattooes. Lately, it seems that
if there's no faux-Celtic design between your low-rise jeans and your
baby
tee,
something's
missing. Recently, we've been seeing
girls with their names in thug font in that place. Must save a lot of
awkwardness. |
 34.
Burning Man. Thirty-five-year-old men with frattoos and
goatees trek into the desert in search of hippie poontang. "Dude! Naked
chicks!" By way of preparation, they throw on a String Cheese Incident
CD (and take out the Insane Clown Posse) on the long drive from the Valley. |
 35.
Friendster.com. For a few months, it was a secret cute-kid
sex party. Then all your exes heard about it. Then Courtney Love got
on it.
Then strangers started insisting you'd shared some magical experience
with them outside
Tuscaloosa.
You told them you'd never been to Tuscaloosa and that they must have
the wrong person. Then they told you your pet hamster’s name from when
you were five and you started shaking. |
| 36.
Employment. People always talk about "becoming their job," which
is the most heinous thing ever. |
| 37. Headgear Trends. Trucker hats, paperboy
caps and sweatbands look ridiculous on anyone other than truckers, paper
boys and Bjorn Borg in 1976. You can be funny, but not with your head. |
| 38.
Lead guitarists. Girls have THINGS for bassists, THINGS for
drummers. But do you know anyone with a THING for lead guitarists? No.
Too often, they cross the line between cocky and desperate. |
| 39. Novelty hip-hop. Clever modernist lit references + killer hook = suck. If Derrida and the RZA were meant for each other, they would have figured it out by now on their own. They're both smarter than us. |
| 40. Ann Coulter. Oh, look! Psychotic neo-Nazi tendencies and pretty hair! Isn't that cute? No. And think about it: it's not hard to be the belle of the conservative-pundit ball when all the other guests are Rush Limbaugh. |
| 41. Flavored lube. If God wanted us
to taste like kiwi, he would have made us kiwis. (Also applicable to lip
gloss.) |
| 42. The Mile High Club. You hear a lot about horny, uncreative couples ducking into airplane restrooms together. What you don’t hear about are sprained knees, the smell of disinfectant, and the very real possibility of being sucked through the toilet to your death. |
43. Blogging about your sex life. People who do this are under two delusions: a) that everyone wants to fuck them, and b) that their writing is interesting. Which is worse: sexual megalomania or an inability to edit? It's a dead heat. The online equivalent of that excruciatingly monotonous blowjob scene in every porn movie ever made.
|
44. Planned sex marathons. "Dude, we
got a hotel room and didn't come out for three days!" This never happens.
Even if it does, it's not cool.
|
 45. Kim Cattrall. We’re all for women
retaining sex appeal after forty, fifty, sixty, or whatever. What we are not for: actresses displaying their identity crises by wearing bright green minidresses to the Video Music Awards while snarling supposedly seductive things about 50 Cent.
|
46. Craigslist Casual Encounters (www.craigslist.org). The
anonymously exposed deepest desires of urban youth. Mostly for hand jobs
and Vicodin, always misspelled.
|
 47. Teenagers. The
aspirational age of our society is about sixteen. But a smoking-in-the-girls-room,
fucking-in-the-backseat sixteen. Not a bra-strap-snapping, zit-popping,
handing-in-math-homework-late sixteen. Market your lite beer however you
want to market your lite
beer, but know this: real teenagers are kind of gross.
|
48. Pot. Many people
will go on and on about how great stoned sex is. If
by “sex,” you
mean “eating saltines and watching infomercials,” then you're absolutely right!
|
49. Man jewelry (any). Once,
Carrie got with this guy who wore his grandfather’s old Russian war
medal on a chain around his neck. It was meaningful and tasteful,
but all she could think about during sex was Tony Danza.
We're
just saying . . .
|
50. The Internet. All those people. All that porn. All that time. Nothing you can touch.
n°
|
|
©2003 Nerve.com
|
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
