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 REGULARS

Crush of the Week


Thanks to Gawker for
pointing out that T.J. Myers, the star of the adoption-as-sport reality
show Who’s Your Daddy?, is a softcore porn actress. In Seduction
of Innocence
, she was a “small-town girl” who “journeys with friend
to big city (looks like Dallas) to visit older sister, only to find
that Sis is a) working as a stripper, b) tied up with some kind of
drug syndicate, and c) living with a lesbian.” The lead quote on Ms.
Myers’ website is “Don’t
just dare to dream. Dare to do your dreams.” And for that, she is our
crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

Quotes of the Week

"Me and a bunch of my friends and aquaintences (about 50 of us) all pile into a pool about once a month to have a major sexual fiesta. we are all virile men. we masturbate in the pool and ejaculate over and over again. ultimately, the goal is to be swimming in each others semen. is there a danger in any of this semen getting up someone’s nose, in their ears or eyes, in their throat? is it theoretically possible for hiv to be transmitted this way?” [sic] — an overwhelmingly detailed question posed on the Johns Hopkins AIDS Service Patient Forum.

Photos of the Week


Celine Dion and Anne Geddes create the
stuff of nightmares
: “It’s like she’s at a tapas bar that serves
tiny, artfully prepared babies.”

Topless Scarlett Johannsen screencap on Defamer, from the Bobby Long trailer. If you Photoshop it with the popular panty screencap from her last movie, you can have one whole nearly-naked Scarlett.

In the News

At last, a new Britney letter! Most exciting revelation: her dogs Lucky and Bitbit have their own room. With a chandelier. Least exciting revelation: Britney is writing and directing a musical “which makes fun of the whole Hollywood scene.” Title? “Hollywood.”

A sexy-if-you-only-look-at-the-middle-two movie poster.

Science World‘s new ad campaign may revolutionize office politics.

Tokyo’s stock brokers are way hotter than ours.

Band Pedro the Lion takes a unique approach to publicity photos.

Extremely bored Tommy Tutone fan dials 867-5309 for every area code in the US. Still does not find Jenny.

“Erotic expression” (a.k.a. lap dancing) is protected by the First Amendment. Finally.

Topless boxing.

Twenty-eight women were photographed naked standing
in front of a house where poet Pablo Neruda used to live. In lieu
of that image, here is a photo of Pablo Neruda.
All You Have To Do Is Ask


We don’t generally care too much about fetish magazines. But when the Swedish magazine Senze wrote us asking for a review, our curiosity was piqued. We were expecting something like the Ikea catalog — but, you know, with naked chicks instead of reasonably priced ottomans.

    Unfortunately, Senze is entirely devoid of funny Swedish names. It’s in English, and not one of the models is named Högtid or Kilan Medaljong. (Which, for the record, would make awesome fetish names.)
   So what does Senze have that the Ikea catalog doesn’t? Three things: a four-headed devil-woman, a preview of Britney’s next tattoo, and some of the lamest fetish outfits imaginable. As opposed to Ikea, whose leather and latex ensembles aren’t half bad.

    In the end, Senze is a little too slick for our tastes — we’re pretty sure we could read it on the subway and not get a single funny look. And if it doesn’t inspire a cocked eyebrow or two, is it really a dirty magazine? The least they could do is add in a few stylish floor lamps. — Gwynne Watkins

Product Placement


From the local grocery store, Bimbo cereal, described on the packaging as “agreeable to taste.” Funny, she seems like such a nice, wholesome girl.

Tabloid Fodder


People

Cover: “Half Their Size! No Gimmicks! No Surgery! Just Real
People Real Diets Real Secrets.”

Theme: (tie) Weight loss and murder.

Celebrity in the spotlight and why: Creepy “other woman” Amber Frey, because she was “upset to learn that Laci had been due to give birth on Feb. 10 — Amber’s own birthday.”

Sex promised/delivered: 2/2. Unless the thought of shedding 121 pounds makes you hot.

Us Weekly

Cover: “Sexy New DIET Secrets! Hollywood’s latest ways to
get thin fast."

Theme: Weight loss.

Celebrity in the spotlight and why: Oprah, because she lost
fifty pounds.

Sex promised/delivered: 3/3. “Oh baby! These hot mamas bounced back from pregnancy stat!” Enough said.

In Touch

Cover: “New Hope for Reuniting? Nicole’s new relationship is getting serious. Is it pushing Tom to win her back?”

Theme: Tom and Nicole’s eternal love.

Celebrity in the spotlight and why: Nicole, because she has
a new boyfriend but can never forget the father of her children.

Sex promised/delivered: 5/6. Plus one point for a piercing psychological profile of Jim Carrey.

Star

Cover: “NICOLE: HAS SHE FOUND MR. RIGHT?

Theme: Nicole and Tom’s cold, dead love.

Celebrity in the spotlight and why: Nicole, because she’s just right for man-slut Steve Bing.

Sex promised/delivered: 9/10. One bonus point for the phoot of “Bing’s ’80s ex-lover!” in white stiletto boots, a pink bikini and a New Wave hairdo.

 



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Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins and Kate Sullivan

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