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Crush of the Week


For years, we haven’t understood the Jennifer Aniston appeal. She seemed like just an influential haircut atop a cute body. But now she’s done the unfathomable and thrown over baby-hungry Brad Pitt for her career, making her a heroine for ambitious women everywhere. Unhappy women, if she can turn down BRAD PITT, surely you can leave your unsupportive, deadbeat husband. And for that, she is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

Quote
of the Week – Now in Quiz Form!

Colin Farrell says hiring a prostitute is similar to:

a) signing a petition

b) subscribing to Tivo

c) buying pot

d) ordering in pizza

Give up? “It’s like ordering in a pizza. Someone comes around, you spend an hour, you have a smoke with them afterwards. I’ve never been with a prostitute I haven’t been completely polite to and treated like a human being.”

Photo
of the Week


Cough drop company claims that seeing an eighty-four-year-old man’s ass is pretty much the same as seeing a baby’s ass: non-sexual. Bastion of dignity Fox disagrees, and refuses to air the ad.

All You Have to Do Is Ask


“Hello Ada,

I’m the author of the Art of Love website. Currently I am featuring
some marvelous erotic artworks that could use some more exposure.
Please have a look and if you like it maybe you could write a short
note or an article.”

Highlights from The Art of Love: A Journey Through Tasteful Erotica:

The deleted porn scene from Pleasantville.

The deleted porn scene from Alien.

Yet another pregnant nude woman being fed to a goldfish in the name of erotica.

And the site’s sponsor: LoveChess, “where the gods have sex on the chess board.”

In the News


You know there’s a war on because there sure are a lot of these popping
up online: “A lonely
female United States soldier
serving in Iraq took some very sexual
pictures of herself naked to send to her boyfriend or husband
back in the States. One of our friends happens to be stationed in
the same area as her, and when she was done sending the lovely amateur
porn pictures back home via email, she deleted them. Just one problem
though, she forgot to empty the recycle bin.” Our friends at Fleshbot have the full story about the origins of these photos, and many more, here.

Evil Knievel cannot sue EXPN for calling him a pimp, because, according to the judge, “it was most likely intended as a compliment.” Knievel will appeal to the Supreme Court.

The Smoking Gun has posted all the grisly details of the new Michael Jackson allegations.

A teen-age boy has been charged with a felony for hitting his girlfriend
in the stomach with a baseball bat over a two-week period in order
to kill the fetus. The girl willingly participated in the induced miscarriage,
but Michigan law protects her from prosecution. The girl could have
gotten a legal abortion, but would have had to get her parent’s or
a judge’s permission. In the accompanying sidebar, The
Detroit News
provides information for pregnant teens, but makes
no mention of abortion.

In other abortion news, China will
make it illegal to abort a fetus based on its sex. Since the one-baby-per-family
rule, the country has been overrun with boys.

Product Placement

Playboy will offer “iBods,” downloads of partially undressed women, for the new Apple iPod photo viewer.

Spammers and Pfizer beware; if Nicolas Cage’s theory is correct, wearing “the
mystical carnelian rock
” will
improve your sex life. He had the stone put into his wedding ring when
he married his nineteen-year-old wife. “It’s good for my sex life,” he
said. “I’m
very much into stones.”

Consumers union tests condoms. CNN reports that Durex Extra Sensitive Lubricated Latex was “able to take the most punishment.”

Tabloid Fodder


People

Pre-split cover: “Tsunami: Amazing Survival Stories; Brad and Jen’s Romantic Getaway.”

Rushed post-split cover: “Brad and Jen: Why They Split.”

Embarrassing pre-split assertion: “Rift? What rift? Brad and Jen enjoy a romantic reunion in the Caribbean.”

Revelatory post-split information: “They weren’t happy. They lost a sense of self.”

Sex promised/delivered: 1/1. Unless you’re turned on by photos of global tragedy or by a montage of Brad and Jennifer through the ages.

Us Weekly

Cover:Desperate Housewives SEXY AT EVERY AGE!”

Embarrassing pre-split assertion: Photos of Brad and Jen on vacation with captions like “My Hubby Shoots Hoops!” and “We Jammed to Music!”

Revelatory post-split information: None yet.

Sex promised/delivered: 4/3. Minus one point for torture-by-baby: As if to taunt Brad and Jen, there are about a million photos of celebrities with their children.

In Touch

Cover: “MTV Newlyweds: Who Wants Out?”

Embarrassing pre-split assertion: “Jen and Brad feasted on lobster and shellfish — well-known aphrodisiacs.”

Revelatory post-split information: None yet.

Sex promised/delivered: 5/6. One point for the comforting photo of Kirsten Dunst with her boob falling out from under her bikini top. It almost lets us forget the tragedy of Brad and Jen…

Star

Cover: “Brad and Jen Back On! IT’S BABY TIME!”

Embarrassing pre-split assertion: See cover.

Defensive post-split claim: From the website: “On the Caribbean island of Anguilla, it seems they tried to make things work.”

Sex promised/delivered: 0/0. If we’ve learned one thing from Star, it’s that it sure is nice to see the greats brought low once in a while.

 



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Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins and Kate Sullivan.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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