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Crush of the Week


Everyone at the Golden Globes was acting too cool for the room. But not Jamie Foxx. Jamie Foxx was giddy when he arrived, and when he won — ecstatic. He laughed, he cried, he gave a shout-out to Texas paper the Terrell Tribune. As we mentioned in October, there are reportedly nude photos of him circulating; sources say the images prove that Foxx “is, um, one of Hollywood’s biggest stars.” But that’s not why we like him. We like him because he’s really, really excited about being famous. “I wish I could take what I’m feeling right now and put it in the water system,” he said in his acceptance speech, “and we would all love each other a whole lot more.” And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

Quotes of the Week


“We believe that it doesn’t have to die and people can have fun and be free and really enjoy life and sex in our later years.” — Barbra Streisand, who added that she and James Brolin stay in bed every Saturday: “We never get dressed.”

“It would be far easier to go, ‘Oh, I wish I loved women!’ But I don’t. I mean, I love them, but physically, they just don’t do it for me. “I love the way a man thinks. I love the way a man smells. I love the way men look… I’m hooked on the male physique — hooked on it!” — Nicole Kidman.

“I haven’t dated in twelve million years. I gave up on dating powerful men because they wanted to date women in the service professions. So I decided to date guys in the service professions. But then I found out that kings want to be treated like kings, and consorts want to be treated like kings, too.”  — Carrie Fisher.  

“I was going to be playing a guy from Boston, who was part of a boy band at one time. My character was going to see some friends who are gay, and he’s really gay. It was like me coming out of the closet but I’m not in the closet. I’ve never been in the closet. I don’t know what goes on in the closet. If I were gay, I would have no problem admitting that I was gay, but I’m not gay.” — Jordan Knight, explaining to free daily paper Metro why he dropped off a sitcom fifteen minutes prior to shooting because he had just realized his character was gay.

Photos of the Week


These ads for Hardees are well deconstructed on Slate.

This pair of celebrity lookalikes, who pose as David and Victoria Beckham, are engaged.

Oh, those crazy zoo animals.

Left: Honey Labrador, the token lesbian on Queer Eye for the Straight Girl.
Right: the results of a Google image search for “Honey Labrador.”

In the News

MTV delays the launch of its proposed gay cable channel to the end of June. Happy Gay Pride, everyone!

Because clearly Florida is on top of all its real problems, one of its counties bans thongs.

Students from the University of Chicago have created their very own sex magazine, but never fear; they haven’t stopped being pretentious. The magazine is in black-and-white, and it’s named Vita Excolatur (Latin for “life enriched”).

A sixty-five-year-old Wal-Mart greeter in Iowa was fired for greeting customers with a photograph of himself wearing nothing but a Wal-Mart bag. His appeal for unemployment benefits was denied by a judge on the grounds that “a reasonable person would know the act of showing a naked body wearing a Wal-Mart sack would not be good for the employer’s business.”

In other senior-citizen antics, a sixty-six-year-old Romanian woman gave birth.

“Fat naked ladies are all the rage these days in Singapore.” So sayeth the Associated Press.

Intern
Round-Up:

Applications surveyed by Gwynne, our office manager

We love our interns — no exaggeration — and we get a big kick out of seeing the range of resumes that arrive in our inbox. Now, you never know what will get our attention (the Rapper got an interview, the Model did not), but the highlights below teach a helpful lesson: take a glance at the magazine before writing in. The following are excerpts of applications that brightened our day with either a cringe or a smile. (After a while, we stopped being able to tell the difference.)

Best Cover-Letter Lines

"I can review pop culture items from albums, to plays, even the opera with a skill and perspicacity that belies my scant twenty-two years of age."

"When people think of sites like Nerve.com they think of internet geeks who live for all things Star Wars, or women who make it their sole purpose in life not to ever shave again and conform for society."

"I think I can bring a sophisticated, yet irreverent, voice to any travel/dining/drinking articles on your site."

"Armed with a degree in English Literature, I continue to absorb and practice verbal and written communication."

"I’m a sublime synthesis of the refined and the retarded." Ed. note: Okay, so we hired this guy. Wouldn’t you?

Most Puzzling Story Pitches

How to Trick a Vegan into Dating You.

Obsession with Celebrity. ("These people who are making a living by being a celebrity are having their private lives splashed all over the news.")

An Expose on Mother’s Day.

"She was wife, mother, lover, and confidante to him. This was the role she chose, but when she discovers his infidelity life takes a turn for the ultimate worse. Was her death by apparent suicide an accident?"

Single Most Impressive Resume Item

Editorial Assistant, Floor Covering Weekly magazine.

Most Memorable Writing Sample

A piece of fiction from the POV of Michael Gelman, producer of Live! With Regis and Kathie Lee. We’re treated to a sympathetic view of Gelman’s week, suffering the obnoxious Regis, the catty Kathie and the inebriated Merv Griffin. At the end of the piece, Gelman finds his soul mate: guest star Laura Dern. And there’s not a dry eye in the whole studio audience.

Product Placement


Toast porn suddenly seems inevitable.

Tabloid
Fodder:
The
Found-Poetry Edition


People
I blurted out, “My mother is dead.”

He sat stunned. “What did you say, Essie May?”
“My mother is dead. She died in October. Kidney failure.”
“Ohh…” he bleated, like a wounded animal. Tears filled his eyes. For the first time, the great orator was speechless.

Us Weekly

He was spotted riding his Ducati motorcycle near their home on his big day…
She has done little to quash speculation over her new bauble.

In Touch

Jennifer Aniston recites a so-cute poem about a wet, black dog enjoying a surprise snowstorm.

Star
Ouch! Denim shirt!
Ouch! Denim jacket, too!
Oh no! Denim cuffs!
Ouch! Stone-washed jeans!

…It’s Florida, which means lots of yachts!

 



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Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins and Kate Sullivan.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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