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Crush of the Week

Her teeth — those crooked fangs — first convinced us of Patricia Arquette’s immortality. The way this heathen, vampiric element conflicts with her Lana-Turner-white-blonde hair, blue eyes (whose intense, almost-crossed gaze is like a cat’s being rubbed) and scarlet mouth is the origin of her star-power.

    Raised partly on a hippie commune, she comes off a free soul. While almost all actors scrabble to make it, her career has the illusion of being inevitable. She even seems inevitable in turquoise sunglasses and black-and-pink cheetah pedal-pushers, which is a high compliment.

    Those ivory shoulders are a throwback to Old Hollywood. Even though her body is tiny (5’1"), it’s plush and lush. In fact, she embodies all the best contradictions. Half luminous angel, half tomboy. Drawling straightforward truths. Sultry as a torch singer and shy as a convent girl.

    So it’s no surprise her latest gig in Medium is a suburban wife who channels an otherworld of violence, death, grief. No surprise either that she makes supernatural powers seem natural. And for that, she is our crush of the week. — Jardine Libaire

Quotes of the Week

“A lot of people get nervous. I try to be relaxed. There are those first few takes where you’re like, ‘This is awkward’, and it’s hot and you’re almost naked. But if someone catches sight of your bare breasts, you think: ‘Let them have it and enjoy it for the day … I’m proud of my girls. They’re my charms, my feminine wiles.” — Scarlett Johansson on shooting sex scenes, and on her breasts.

“Jenna’s column gown was by Lela Rose and its most marked accomplishment was to emphasize the wearer’s cleavage so that it was visible from at least twenty feet away.” — The Washington Post on one of Jenna Bush’s inaugural party gowns.
   That reminds us: we have a crush on Vanity Fair‘s Judy Bachrach since she went on Fox News to talk about the gowns and instead excoriated Bush for spending so much on the inauguration when our underfunded troops are in harm’s way, thereby causing the Fox News anchor to LOSE HER MIND.

“Little Dakota Fanning entered rehab today, and we wish her the best.” — what Kathy Griffin reputedly said on the red carpet of the Golden Globes, prompting this profuse network apology:

“On Sunday, something was said on the red carpet regarding Dakota Fanning. E! Networks would like viewers to know that this insensitive comment was not true, and it was spoken in jest. We apologize to Dakota and her family for any misunderstanding. Also, because Dakota has devoted much of her time and energy to tsunami relief efforts, E! has made a donation to UNICEF in her name.

Photos of the Week

No, these aren’t photos of Bill Gates posing for Teen Beat, but wouldn’t it be awesome if they were?

Leave it to Japan to come up with a female version of Ronald McDonald.

Thanks to Wonkette for this piece of young-Republican pornography. We’ll never look at an armadillo the same way again.

From Defamer, under the heading, “We love it when God writes the captions for us.”

If only we’d never entered the terrifying world of David-Hasselhoff-as-Mesmer.

To break the spell, you can watch Vin Diesel break-dance.

Or sway along to Morrissey.
In the News

A new German invention called the “Thong-o-Mat” dispenses sexy lingerie in bar-bathroom condom machines to ladies caught wearing one-night-stand-inadequate panties.

Recently under fire: a Doane College recruiting postcard that used the line, “Finally a place where he could work toward the career of his choice … And also play the field … And play the field some more …” In the ad’s defense, the college’s executive director of communications and marketing said he did an Internet search for the phrase “And also play the field … And play the field some more … ,” and found no sexual connotations.

According to the New Scientist, a chemical weapon explored by Pentagon scientists would have made enemy combatants irresistable to each other. All that gay sex would be a “distasteful but completely non-lethal blow to morale.”

A new biography of Anna Wintour reveals she had an affair with Bob Marley, among other luminaries. Further proof of the theory that The Royal Tenenbaums‘ Etheline Tenenbaum (Anjelica Huston) is based on the Vogue editor.

Films nominated for awards from the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation include: Alexander, A Home at the End of the World, Kinsey, Monster, and Saved!. GLAAD is also giving a special award to Jon Stewart, because, you know, that’s what organizations do these days.

Which reminds us of this tidbit John Lahr reported in the January 3rd issue of The New Yorker: When delivering a speech at Columbia University earlier this year, Tony Kushner said, “I think I should begin by acknowledging your disappointment that I am not Jon Stewart,” he said. “Your disappointment that I am not Jon Stewart will last one morning. I am disappointed at not being Jon Stewart every morning of my life.”

Because there aren’t enough real problems in the world, the question arises: Is SpongeBob gay?

The new Britney video for “Do Something” is up. Given the title, we were worried that Britney had become a political activist. Nope — just another “stop staring at me” song (see: Britney’s last video; Lindsay Lohan’s “Rumors”).

Product Placement: The Brad and Jen Aftermath Edition

The first eBayer to take shameless advantage of the split sold a HAUNTED WEDDING DRESS to a distraught fan.

Are YOU distraught? Let this index card remind you of happier times.

Or are you over it? If so, get your “I Stole Brad” merchandise here.

Tabloid Fodder: The Socially Responsible Edition

Issue: “Young Teens and Sex”
Exemplar: Kimberly*
Moral: Sex before marriage is dangerous and wrong. The proper bedtime companions for a sixteen-year-old girl like Kimberly*? “Two teddy bears.”

Us Weekly
Issue: The future of marriage.
Exemplar: Angelina Jolie.
Moral: As long as there are home-wrecking whores like her around, monogamy is impossible.

In Touch
Issue: The quest for peace.
Exemplar: P. Diddy.
Moral: If all P. Diddy needs to find peace is a two-and-a-half-million-dollar house in the Hamptons, what’s the Middle East’s problem?

Issue: Death.
Exemplar: Allison DuBois, the “real-life medium” who inspired the NBC show.
Moral: Medium producer Kelsey Grammer believes the dead can communicate with the living (specifically “sexy psychics”), so you should, too.


appears every Tuesday.

Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins and Kate Sullivan.

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