Regulars

Scanner

Pin it

 REGULARS


Crush of the Week


Katie Couric, who is described as “perky” as if it were a fact of nature,
the way blue skies are blue, has waded into the murk of teen sexuality
with the impressively unhip piece of investigative journalism, The
411: Teens & Sex
. We couldn’t bring ourselves to watch it,
but judging from the transcript,
Couric’s comments to the press,
e.g.: “I was personally shocked how casually young people treat oral
sex,” and all the canoodling she’s been
doing lately, we get the sense she’s a dumb blonde playing dumb. There
is no way that the girl in this picture (thanks, Couric fan
site
!)
is ignorant to the meaning of expressions like "friends with benefits".
And for that, she is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

Quotes of the Week

“He’s got quite a boyish body and you can see every inch of his boyhood in his pants, which are very tight. I think I touched it the first time I met him in my house; I couldn’t help myself. It’s just longing to be held.” — Selma Blair on Karl Lagerfeld

“Santa pats his chest, where is heart is, then hands the boy the bell. The bell’s ring is the sound of the true believers.” — What was on the “secret decoder” that came in our last bag of Cracker Jacks.

“Sure, they cost $29 for a box of six, but if your iPod is your best friend, doesn’t she deserve the comfort of a stylish pink sock?” — The Boston Globe. Why does that sound so filthy?

Most seemingly scandalous headline of the week award goes to the New York Times: “Friends Producer Developing New Sibling Romance.”

“Two weeks later, Susan called from her cellphone to say that the antidote was working. While shopping, she said, she spontaneously had an orgasm that had lasted on and off for nearly two hours.” — The best science story of all time?

“What happened last year was much to-do about nothing. I work with homeless kids in Phoenix, and not one of them was put on the street by Janet Jackson’s breast.” — Bob Parsons, president of GoDaddy.

From Craigslist:

“I need a skillful writer to sit down with me to compose a very heart-tearing letter—–Will pay 30 dollars for your effort—should take no longer than 2 hours——

this is in or around Manhattan

it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Compensation: 30 dollars”

Photo of the Week


The United Church of Christ, of Raw Nerve fame, officially welcomes SpongeBob, be he gay or straight.

From Our Inbox

"I was surfing the net and came across your website. I wanted to know if you were interested in exchanging links with my site, The Menopause and Black Cohosh Center. You will find nearly a hundred articles and other scientific resources on menopause and black cohosh, as well as other female (and male!) health issues.”

In the News

A new study found that “male monkeys will give up their juice rewards in order to ogle pictures of female monkey’s bottoms.”

The FCC tossed out thirty-six indecency complaints filed by the Parents Television Council against prime time network programming that aired between Oct. 29, 2001 and Feb. 11, 2004. PTC complained because dialog during episodes in question included words like “dick,” “vaginal,” “hell,” “orgasm” and “penis.” The article provides a priceless list of what the FCC does NOT consider inappropriate, like:

    Dawson’s Creek, October 30, 2002, 8 p.m. EST: one character remarks to another: "Listen, I know that you’re pissed at your dad for flaking on you. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad dad, and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Another character responds: "No, it just means he’s a dick.”

Woman gives birth to seventeen-pound baby!

A Los Angeles woman claims she was assaulted by Snoop Dogg following a taping of Jimmy Kimmel Live.

Product Placement


The Banana Bunker.

Tabloid Fodder


Us Weekly

Phase of Life: Divorce.

Whose: Jennifer Aniston.

How handled: In a mercenary fashion: “The news has been a boost to her movie career.”

Sensitivity factor: 5/10. Details of Angelina Jolie’s trampery are contrasted with anecdotes about how Aniston is putting on a brave face.

People

Phase of Life: Death.

Whose: Johnny Carson.

How handled: With narcissism. “It’s a comfort to know that Johnny Carson never really forgot his audience.”

Sensitivity Factor: 4/10. Some rather harsh criticism for People: “Carson was a tonic, not an aphrodisiac.”

In Touch

Phase of Life: Birth.

Whose: The hypothetical spawn of Jessica Simpson, J. Lo, and Britney Spears.

How handled: Conjecture, conjecture, conjecture.

Sensitivity factor: 3/10. Jessica’s father thinks she should wait because, “Jessica is really hot right now.” Her husband “thinks kids could actually be a wise career move."

Star

Phase of Life: Marriage.

Whose: Hypothetical brides Cameron Diaz, Beyoncé, Jennifer Garner, Nicollette Sheridan, and Sandra Bullock.

How handled: Ruthless practicality.

Sensitivity Factor: 0/10. Sandra Bullock won’t be able to keep her fiancé “jazzed,” because
his last wife was a porn star. Nicole Richie shouldn’t expect her boyfriend to
marry her, because while he gave her a ring for her birthday, “he also gave her
a puppy.”

 



Scanner
appears every Tuesday.

Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins, Kate Sullivan and Myung Joh.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


Previous Scanner

 


© 2005 Nerve.com, Inc.