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Crush of the Week
So she’s actually been a crush of the past couple of weeks, but we
were waiting to honor Barbara
Boxer
as the first among throngs of Democrats who stepped forward
to decry Condoleezza Rice. Of course, that didn’t happen. So instead,
we salute her as a lone voice in the wilderness. She can impugn our
integrity anytime. And for that, she is our crush of the week. — Ada
Calhoun
A Very Special Valentine’s Day ‘From Our Inbox’: Emails Forwarded With The Subject Heading "Barf"

“Create a Personalized Gift Your Valentine Will Cherish: Print the Moment’s Online Gallery Helps You Transform Your Photos [see four samples, left] Into Moments that Last a Lifetime.”

“Apparently, America’s most famous weather forecaster has other things on his mind when he emerges from his home in early February. According to an upcoming issue of National Wildlife magazine, Punxsutawney Phil is not looking for his shadow. He is looking for love.”

“On February 14th most people shower their Valentine with candy, flowers, jewelry and other treats. Cellboost, a matchbook-sized disposable battery/charger from Compact Power Systems, has created a device to stay connected with your loved one.”

“The period between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day is traditionally seen as a busy time for engagements and in the next few weeks, many of your readers will be asking themselves exactly what to do to make sure their wedding proposal is perfect.”
Quotes of the Week

“Stuart has obviously seen me naked, so I didn’t have to suck in my tummy.” — Charlize Theron on filming love scenes with her boyfriend.

“All I can say is, the guy playing ‘Dean’ in Good Vibrations was either stuffing his wet suit with a sock at the end of Act One last night, or else he has six diffent penises, all squashing in different directions. — A post on the Broadway chat room “All That Chat.”

“Having taught Thailand’s elephants to paint, dance and play musical instruments, their Thai handlers are now toilet-training the beasts.” — Well, it’s about time.

“Scientists have made them walk and talk. There are even robots that can run. But a South Korean professor is poised to take their development several steps further, and give cybersex new meaning.” — The first paragraph of a Guardian article titled “Sex and the Single Robot.”

Photos of the Week


Kirsten Dunst, topless.

Christian Dior embraces the David-Bowie-in-Labyrinth look.

Turtle porn. Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody.

Hot Pompeii action, via BoingBoing.

Gypsy Rose Lee was in the Times this weekend. Seriously, who knew she was so hot?

The deposed porn king Al Goldstein, selling bagels.

Possibly to combat the nation’s depression over the Aniston-Pitt break-up, the web is awash in baby-animal photos.

In the News

The Smoking Gun reports on a nanny who took seriously a four-year-old’s request to see her naked.

Yogi Berra freaked out about the expression “yogasm,” as coined in an ad for Sex and the City, but we see his sweetly prudish point — what man alive wants his name attached to a sex act involving Kim Cattrall?

Wife Swap is casting!

President Bush reportedly LOVES Tom Wolfe’s I Am Charlotte Simmons and is giving copies to all his friends. Read the Nerve interview with Tom Wolfe here.

A female soldier was demoted for mud-wrestling.

An Egyptian cab driver is becoming famous in NYC for playing matchmaker with his passengers.

Incongruous Books Our Intern Kate Found While Cleaning Out the Nerve Library

1. A Guide to Bird Behavior, Vol 1

2. Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid: The Book of Scary Urban Legends

3. 20 Years of the Year’s Best Science Fiction

4. The Educated Child: A Parent’s Guide from Preschool Through Eighth Grade

5. Farscape: The Illustrated Companion

6. 1001 Chocolate Treats

7. The Midnight Special (The name sounds right, but it’s actually a book chronicling the late-night rock show 1972-1981.)

8. Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys

Product Placement

Queer Beer.

Get Your 2005 Great American Conservative Women Calendar! Featuring Ann Coulter, Dr. Laura, Michelle Malkin, Condoleezza Rice, Shemane Nugent and many more.

The New York Times reports on the latest trend: panties that smell like ex-boyfriends, if your ex-boyfriends smell like barbecue sauce, cedar, and fresh-cut grass.

In this year’s Broadway Bears auction, there are not one but two German transvestite teddies: Charlotte Von Mahlsdorf and Hedwig.

Tabloid Fodder


People

Cover: “Sex and the Single Woman”

Brad and Jen Update: Brad Pitt’s grandmother hopes they get back together.

Candidate for next big story: Teri Hatcher proves that “forty is the new thirty.”

Sex promised/delivered: 8/7. Fun fact: for Valentine’s Day every year, Hatcher and a female friend give each other “lottery tickets and G-strings.”

Us Weekly

Cover: “Brad Wants Jen Back!”

Brad and Jen Update: “It’s not as if Brad is exulted in his new bachelorhood.”

Candidate for next big story: “Orlando’s Back on the Market!”

Sex promised/delivered: 4/4. Angelina “comes out of hiding,” but
there’s no dirt, only this observation: “She lives in a $4 million
mansion outside London, but Jolie is no prima donna.”

In Touch

Cover: “Barely Speaking!”

Brad and Jen Update: Reconciliation is imminent. “They even shared their food. Jen tasted a few bites of Brad’s prime rib, and they split a plate of cookies.”

Candidate for next big story: Pamela Anderson: Alcoholic?

Sex promised/delivered: 5/3. Minus two points for each Hep-C patient named as disease company for Pam: Naomi Judd and Larry Hagman.

Star

Cover: “Jen Fights to Get Brad Back!”

Brad and Jen Update: “She Wants Him Back!” And she’s going to therapy and quitting smoking to do it!

Candidate for next big story: New, schmew: “Jen Wants Brad’s Lips Back!”

Sex promised/delivered: 7/9. Two bonus points, showing ’em how it’s done with a photospread of Jen’s head pasted onto various scantily clad bodies. Headline: “Star to Jen: A Makeover Recipe to KICK Angelina’s BUTT!”

 



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Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins, Kate Sullivan and Myung Joh.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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