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Crush of the Week


Whatever your mood this Valentine’s Day, there’s no better love-song singer than the alter-ego of comic genius Ricky Gervais (whom Nerve has interviewed). David Brent hits bottom in the unbelievably moving Office Special as a crooner in a poet shirt. The painfully catchy “Free-Love Freeway” is the perfect thing to slip on to make your holiday romantic. And we quote: “A little while later, see a senorita / She’s caught a flat trying to make it home / She says ‘Por favor, can you pump me up?’ / I say ‘Muchos gracias, adios. Bye Bye.'” And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun
Photos of the Week

Terrific (but totally fake) image of Hilary Duff with a condom in her bag.

Three men and a bony fish. BoingBoing.

It’s nice that we have interns to sort the real Debbie Gibson photos from the fake ones.

This Lever 2000 ad is extremely effective. Nothing makes us want to buy soap more than the sight of Fred Armisen licking an extremely pregnant woman.

From our Inbox

An invitation to escape with the Brawny Man.

Quotes of the Week


Best headline of the week: “Dozens of Fighting Cocks Seized in the Bronx.”

And the runner-up: “How the Hummer Invaded the Burbs” I don’t know, maybe abstinence programs?

“Our perspective is, you don’t avoid what’s natural. You’re going to be attracted to people. In our marriage vows, we didn’t say forsaking all others. The vow that we made was that you will never hear that I did something after the fact. If it came down to it, then one can say to the other, ‘Look, I need to have sex with somebody. I’m not going to if you don’t approve of it — but please approve of it.'” — Will Smith on his OPEN MARRIAGE to Jada Pinkett Smith!

“It would depend on a few variables. What kind of toothpaste is he using? Is he ruggedly handsome like me? Does he have nice lips?” — The Rock on the conditions under which he’d kiss another man.

“The blonde girl immediately pounced and started kissing and touching me. As she caressed every intimate part of my body Usher and his mates were making appreciative noises.” — From a nineteen-year-old girl’s Usher-orgy-story.

How we wish we’d been at this Inside Deep Throat screening:

Crazy extremist feminist Catherine McKinnon claimed the film promoted the acceptance of rape because it’s “not possible to do deep throat” except “under hypnosis.”

   “What’s so funny?” she snapped as the audience rippled with mirth. Todd Graff’s hand shot up. “I can do it,” he said, and the room echoed with a chorus of gay men going “me too!” (Gigi Grazer – wife of Brian – later told Graff to stop bragging and that she could do it better than him.)

In the News


Oh, everyone’s so cynical! Maybe it’s just a coincidence that all the lesbian kissing on TV happens during sweeps.

Speaking of which, all those rumors about Desperate Housewives‘ Marcia Cross being gay? False, she says.

Dustin Hoffman is horny.

Nicole Richie is engaged.

DePalma’s trying to cast a thirteen-year-old lesbian.

A new UPN show produced by Fox will cast new musicians to replace dead stars like Michael Hutchence from INXS.

And while we’re talking casting, the Dell Guy is in a new gay play called Joy. We appreciate this blogger’s suggested tagline.

Product Placement


Well, we’ve found it: the sickest Valentine’s e-card of all.

American Doll has introduced a new children’s book addressing urban flight. Meet the corresponding doll: “Marisol wears a light-purple knit cap and a color-coded striped scarf to match, baggy khaki capris and a medallion-type necklace.”

And finally, The Pocket Dentist.

Tabloid Fodder: The world is a beautiful and crazy place.


People

Beautiful: “The Moders may have greeted 2005 at dawn, but they did it without horns or hangovers.”

Crazy: “I think dads might feel slightly uncomfortable and not realize they need to hold their boys, kiss their boys.” — Laura Bush

Us Weekly

Beautiful: “As their 1-year-old pup, Karoo, scampered around, Chad and Hilary stopped to kiss.”

Crazy: “Women come up and say, ‘I’ve loved you since I was 7!” — Rick Springfield

In Touch

Beautiful: “Superdad Tom Cruise’s most important role is the one we usually don’t get to see: Father.”

Crazy: “There’s bugs!” she [Cameron Diaz] cried, shooing them away. “Sorry — there’s lots of bugs! They latch on to your legs!”

Star

Beautiful: “Zach [Braff] is very sensitive and caring. He’d open the door for her [Mandy Moore], help her take her coat off. He even touched her smile once.”

Crazy: Julia Roberts needs to remember: “It Can Get Pretty Ugly with a Pretty Nanny.”

 



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Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins, Kate Sullivan and Myung Joh.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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