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Crush of the Week

In the a.m., we generally opt for NPR. Then our radio broke and there we were, transfixed by CNN and American Morning‘s beautiful, brown-eyed Bill Hemmer. He was probably talking about hurricanes or Michael Jackson, but we didn’t care. We were too busy wondering what he looks like when he’s not wearing those designer spectacles. Having since seen photos of him sans glasses, we now know that we prefer them on.

    Don’t get us wrong, we’ll always have a special place in our heart for James Carville, but Hemmer is such a nice visual respite from the likes of Wolf Blitzer and Larry King. And he’s just so…clean. He looks like he should be in a Head and Shoulders commercial, standing outside of a shower with a naked torso and a towel around his waist, running his fingers through his thick, brown flake-free hair. We want to watch him in a room full of puppies. We want to watch him get shit-faced on eighteen-year-old Scotch. But wait. Is he even old enough to drink? We know Hemmer must at least be in his mid-thirties, but he looks so much like our high school crush that we worry when he’s reporting from Iraq and Afghanistan, and when he’s getting pummeled by hurricanes. We also worry that CNN’s wretched legal analyst Nancy Grace will get her grubby little paws on him. And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Tobin Levy
Photos of the Week


Is The Simpsons still on Fox?

Pam Anderson’s PETA ad, censored in China.

And David Cross’s ad (PDF), not censored.

Speaking of fur, behold the mighty liger (half lion, half tiger). According to the New York Post, “This King Kong of cats is not the work of a mad scientist, but the product of a rarely seen feline love affair that took place in a South Carolina animal preserve.”

Angels in America(n Television): Kanye West and Emma Thompson. Via Lowculture.

A lesson in salesmanship from Craigslist: “I [sic] looking for masculine and hot sexy guy [sic] who love lingerie guys.”

Quotes of the Week

“He’s going to turn more straight guys gay than you can imagine.” — John Travolta on The Rock’s performance in their new film Be Cool, according to a press release we just got from Access Hollywood.

“[My mother] is telling everyone in the family: ‘I am proud of my daughter’s naked photos.'” — Deborah Gibson on her Playboy photos, which she claims are hotter than those of her ’80s nemesis Tiffany.

“The political dinner-table conversations with our worldly wise, teenaged Cambodian daughter were sublime.” — Gail Sheehy reflecting on her marriage to Clay Felker in the new relationship magazine Tango.

“It was Valentine’s Day. We had a lovely meal and then we were having a terrific s**g and news came through of the win.” — Rod Stewart claims he found out about his Grammy win while having sex. We thought it was impossible for Rod Stewart to either win a Grammy or get laid, but we clearly don’t understand how the world works.

“You look out and see binoculars in the second row and it’s a bit daunting to come out and do the nude scene. You know they’re just looking for wrinkles and cellulite.” — Morgan Fairchild on her nude scene in the stage version of The Graduate.

Best vaguely dirty headline: “Johnson Starts Warming Up for Schilling.”

Hacking It Up


We’re already exhausted by the extensive coverage Paris Hilton’s hacked phone book has been getting. And yet, certain key questions have not been asked:

1. Why does she have Ashley’s number, but not Mary Kate’s? Wait…maybe she thinks they’re the same person. That would explain the entry for “Michelle.”

2. How does one earn the nickname “Egplant dikeass”? If we had the actual numbers in front of us, that’s totally the one we’d call.

3. Frankie Muniz?
From Our Inbox

“Here’s some information for a unique feature. The release below details Toilet Trees, a product that is not only practical and novel for the home but also offers an innovative environmental twist. We’d love to help you put together a product profile or feature… I look forward to hearing from you soon.”
Sign That There is a Divine Order to the Universe


Alan Keyes is the Republican Senate candidate who famously said that homosexuality was “selfish hedonism” and that Vice President Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter was a sinner. Keyes’s daughter just came out as a lesbian.
In the News


The Royal Navy is consulting the gay rights group Stonewall for help recruiting gay sailors.
What if Roger Ebert reviewed porn?  Wait a minute…he did.

A woman got through Newark Airport security with a butcher knife she’d forgotten she had in her bag. According to the unfazed AP, “Bell had put the knife in her bag ‘just in case’ before going on a blind date earlier that week.” Just in case?!

We swear, Intern Matt found this a full hour before Gawker ran something on it:

Bon-Macy‘s celebrates the wedding of

Mary Letourneau and Vili Fualaau

April 16, 2005″

Let’s go, people; they still need some Waterford.

Product Placement


Even though we were there for the show, we’re completely addicted to the concert CD of Kiki and Herb Will Die For You at Carnegie Hall. We can’t hear the “Revolution” medley enough — who knew Gil Scott-Heron, Eminem and David Byrne had so much in common? Read our interview with Kiki and Herb here.

Enjoy this tacky “Silver Ring Thing” ring from Paul Bensel Jewelers of Yuma, unless you think the price (abstinence) is too high.

This celebrated European ad for Manix lube implies that it gets you really wet. And now there’s AbsorbShun, for those who get too wet. Why do we have this feeling there are control freaks with both on their nightstand?

Tabloid Fodder


People

Cover image: Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul looking exasperated.

Overt message: Simon and Paula are “fed up!” with each other.

Implied message: Men and women will always be at war, because women are “emotional to the point of tears” and “fickle,” whereas men are “mean” and “can’t help themselves.”

Us Weekly

Cover image: Britney and Kevin on their honeymoon.

Overt message: Kevin and Britney are happy!

Implied message: Happiness in marriage requires alcohol. (Kevin and Britney are drinking in every picture.)


In Touch

Cover image: Headshots of Jen, Brad and Angelina.

Overt message: We believe Brad is STILL caught between these two women!

Implied message: Us Weekly really doesn’t want to let this non-story go.


Star

Cover image: Oprah, then (fat) and now (skinny).

Overt message: Oprah lost a hundred pounds and you can too!

Implied message: Skinny people are better. Case in point: “fun-loving mom” Janice Dickinson, seen making out with her twenty-three-year-old boyfriend on page sixty-two, while sprawling on a bed naked except for fishnets and a fur stole. She describes her house as, “really a place you can spill milk in!”

 



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