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Crush of the Week


When we first clicked on the web video of a nineteen-year-old New Jersey man lip-syncing in his bedroom to a Romanian pop song, we were prepared to cringe. After all, the New York Times called the performance humiliating and painful, akin to the unwatchable American Idol reject William Hung. Instead, we found Gary Brolsma’s Numa Numa dance an utter delight. We suspect Brolsma’s interpretation of “Dragostea Din Tei” is an internet hit not because people want to see a guy making an ass of himself — we have reality TV for that — but because its sheer joy is, sadly, a novelty. Brolsma gave us the unadorned pleasure of watching an ordinary guy enjoying a really catchy song, and for that he is our crush of the week. — Sara Eckel
Film Issue Special: The Psychology of Netflix


Our intern Myung looked up The Conformist (Il Conformista), the Bertolucci film from the ’70s about sexual obsession and fascism, and was met with this:

“We were unable to find exact matches for The Conformist. Did you mean any of the following?

Saiyuki (12-Disc Series) (2000) A renegade priest, a monkey king, a lecherous water sprite and a sympathetic demon team up to form an unlikely band of warriors.

Dragon Ball GT (15-Disc Series) (2003) The dragon ball quest continues as a cast of characters strategize, plot and jockey for position in a competition that can end only one way — and with one ultimate victor.

Eastern Conference All Stars (2002) At over two hours in length this release showcases an amazing array of hip-hop talent, including Kool Keith, High and Mighty, Smut Peddlers, and Kool G Rap.”

Apparently, Netflix knows some things about sexual obsession and fascism that we don’t.

Photos of the Week


Gwyneth Paltrow now has a baby and a rack. (Gwynne says she tried really hard not to title this picture, “How about them apples?”)

Meet the men of Hannidate, our least threatening personals competitor.

Whitney, our photo editor, is obsessed with the new stock photo collection “Queerstock“. At last, illustrating those gay marriage stories is easy!

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Quotes of the Week


“When looking at the image of Rice in Wiesbaden, the mind searches for ways to put it all into context. It turns to fiction, to caricature. To shadowy daydreams. Dominatrix!” — The Washington Post fantasizes openly about Condoleezza Rice.

“I thought about [hiring] a male hooker. It would be like getting your carpet cleaned and there was a spot they didn’t get out. You would feel safe saying, ‘I need you to get this spot out or I’m not paying you.'” — Teri Hatcher.

“Pinocchio’s had his nose done! Sleeping Beauty is popping pills!/ The Three Little Pigs ain’t kosher! Betty Boop works Beverly Hills!” — An excerpt from Robin Williams’ censored Oscar song.

“I could go on forever about my love for this girl. She’s [bleeping] proud of me. I could be sitting at home doing nothing. I could be playing [bleeping] video games. She’s more proud of me than anyone has ever, ever, ever been in my lifetime.” — Mr. Britney Spears.

“I want to thank Warner Brothers for casting me in this piece of shit.” — Halle Berry classily accepting her Razzie Award.

“In the Sagas of Icelanders, as today, a man is expected to have an appropriately sized penis and to be able, when occasion demands, to make it even larger; an unexpectedly small penis or an inability to achieve an erection leads to mockery and humiliation.” — Finally, an academic treatise on Viking penis envy.

Headline of the week: “FCC OK’s Clothed Sex With Vampire.”

From Our Instant Messenger Window


Editor1 (12:38:52 PM): oh god a fred durst sex tape

Editor2 (12:39:00 PM): nooooooooo!

Editor1 (12:39:06 PM): lead item on gawker

Editor1 (12:39:11 PM): and drudge

Editor2 (12:40:50 PM): have you watched it yet? i’m downloading

Editor1 (12:40:57 PM): yes

Editor2 (12:41:04 PM): traumatic?

Editor1 (12:41:30 PM): i’m so desensitized at this point

Editor1 (12:41:41 PM): but even considering that, i’m disgusted

Editor2 (12:45:58 PM): yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes! what is that music in the background?! iiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkk! “touch my balls, my ass.” ………..and he turns the camera on his face………….eeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…

Editor2 (12:46:01 PM): i’m so afraid the verizon repairman is going to see me watching this
From Our Inbox

“Join trendsetting author and anthologist Mitzi Szereto for one of her popular erotic writing workshops on the beautiful Isle of Wight at The Old Grange — ‘a new generation of country clubs.’ Nestled in the heart of Shanklin’s old village, The Grange is only a minute from a long, sandy beach and offers excellent walking, cycling, horseback riding, and clay pigeon shooting within easy reach.”
From Our Feedback


As a writer, there is no greater reward than feedback like this that we got to our Valentine’s Day essay about failing to bed a McSweeney’s writer: “Ada, honey, I can assure you, if it were a Noah Cicero or Steve Kostecke or, hell, ME in that bed beside you, we would have rocked you until the break of dawn, cutie-pie!”
In the News


Vicious gossips tire of Jamie Lee Curtis, transfer the hermaphrodite rumor to a new generation.

Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction will feature bisexuality.

Tom Arnold is having testicle acupuncture to help him get his wife pregnant.

Actor Tom Sizemore was charged with using a fake penis called “the Whizzinator” at his drug test.

Apparently, the cops protecting New York City during the Republican Convention put that surveillance equipment to use spying on a couple making out on a rooftop. [Note: they say the video doesn’t work on Macs, but it does.] We especially like this report because CBS is very adamant about the fact that for New Yorkers, having sex on your roof without being spied on is a God-given right.

Product Placement


“Not pineapple juice, not health foods, and most certainly not any competitor product on the market, nothing works better than Semenex in making semen taste yummy!”

The thong from the “Save Toby” website, a disturbing variation on the “Buy this magazine or we’ll shoot this dog” marketing strategy.

At last, the Lindsay Lohan doll.

Tabloid Fodder


People

Cover girl: J. Lo.

Tragedy: She’s not pregnant yet.

Fortune: She should be getting pregnant any day now.

Moral: Much to People‘s dismay, a watched womb never conceives.

Us Weekly

Cover girl: Paris Hilton.

Tragedy: Her Sidekick was hacked.

Fortune: “Even as their phones ring and ring, her friends stand by her.”

Moral: Computer piracy may be able to release your nude self-portraits into the world, but it’s no match for the friendship of former Madonna fling Ingrid Casares.

In Touch

Cover girl: Jessica Simpson.

Tragedy: Her husband hates her.

Fortune: The feeling is mutual.

Moral: While staying together for the sake of an MTV show is totally understandable, it’s also pretty tacky.

Star

Cover girl: Jennifer Aniston.

Tragedy: She’s getting divorced.

Fortune: With that trip to Anguilla, she and Brad totally tricked Star into thinking they were getting back together, forcing the magazine to introduce subsequent articles about the couple with lines like, “Appearances are never what they seem in the separation between Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston.”

Moral: If you’re going to divorce your celebrity spouse, make sure to take Bonnie Fuller down with you.

 



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appears every Tuesday.

Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins, Kate Sullivan and Myung Joh.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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