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Crush of the Week


Everyone talks about Martha Stewart’s brunch innovations, but her real gift to the world is Marc Morrone, whose Martha-sponsored Saturday-morning TV show, Petkeeping with Marc Morrone, hypnotized us this weekend. We found ourself deeply attracted to this nerdy, Bronx-born guy with his safari gear and turtlenecks and ten thousand pets, so much so that we were involuntarily responding to his rhetorical questions. “Do your cats scratch the furniture?” Yes, yes, they do! we told Marc. Even though we have no cockatiel, we found his advice — for example, “If your bird was not hand-fed, have the feathers trimmed, take him or her out of the cage, sit it on your lap, and simply spend time with it” — to be profoundly relevant to our life. We imagined sitting on Marc’s lap, nestled in between Harvey the rabbit and Splash the ferret and feeling, under Marc’s wise care, all our worries dissipate. And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun
Quotes of the Week

“I wanted to see how people would look at me. Nobody recognized me. They are hiding that they are looking because they are embarrassed for you.” — Penelope Cruz on the tragic results of not shaving her legs for a few weeks.  Kind of puts Black Like Me in perspective, doesn’t it?

“Oooh… zucchini…” — From the dirty new PETA ad, which suggests eating meat will ruin your porn career.

“[In the mid- ’80s] I was in a band. I was playing somewhere in Finland, and there was a girl hanging around who was really drunk and interested in me. I wasn’t into her, but my friend was. So the girl came back to my hotel, and I turned the lights down, and we started making out. I said, ‘Hold on a second, I’ve gotta go brush my teeth.’ It was dark, I left the room, and I sent in my friend who looked like me. And she thought she was having sex with me, but she was really having sex with my friend.” — John Stamos reveals in Jane magazine that he is, in fact, a huge asshole.

“It’s not all over yet. Not so long as they’ve got Viagra.” — Billy Idol on his career comeback at age forty-nine. Stay tuned to the Screening Room later this month for an extremely revelatory interview our beloved Lisa Crystal Carver conducted with her object of lust, Billy Idol.

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Photos of the Week


Prince Charles practices the traditional Maori greeting.

The censored Gucci hard-on ad.

“Mickelson came agonizingly close to forcing a play-off at the 18th.”

When’s the last time you saw an editorial cartoon depict a reach-around?

Former Road Rules: Islands star Jake Bronstein has posted numerous naked self-portraits on his website, including this one of his penis painted gold.

Speaking of paint: “Once you have the shape you want, literally paint a coat of the latex onto it. It will suck it up greedily, so just make sure you get a good coat.” — Sexually suggestive instructions from this guy on how to turn oneself into a robot.

Or into 50 Cent on the cover of his new album?

In the News


Tonya Harding will wrestle drag queen Daisy D this week in Florida.

An Iranian woman is suing her husband for divorce because he never bathes.

Ben Kingsley tried to pick up Winona Ryder at an Oscar after-party. We at the office collectively feel she should have gone for it.

There’s an FX sitcom in the works called Starved, about “the comic adventures of four friends with eating disorders.” One of the friends is “a bisexual anorexic folksinger.”

The infamous silicone implant of a topless dancer accused of battering a man with the massive breast earned almost $17,000 on eBay.

Product Placement


Busty mousepads.

You know you want to play fantasy online dress-up with Bjork.

The Sex Album, a CD full of orgasm sounds, is available here.

You’re now allowed to have GAY monogrammed on your customized NFL jersey. However, if you self-identify as a TRISEXUAL, SPERM HERDER, SONOFABITCH, GAYMUTHAFUCKINWHORE, SMART ASS, or any of these other 1,159 banned words, you are SHIT OUT OF LUCK.

The musical condom! “Different sexual positions determine what tune is played.”

Tabloid Fodder


People

Cover: “58 Pages of Oscar Dresses, Gossip and Parties”

Dueling Themes: Decadence / Murder.

Sex promised/sex delivered: 2/2. Although there is an informative article on “cyberbullying.”

Us Weekly

Cover: “20 Best Body Makeovers”

Dueling Themes: Ambition / Suffering.

Sex promised/sex delivered: 4/3. Minus one point for all the too-much-information diet notes. Or did you need to know that Madonna “visits kosher eateries for lamb chops and duck”?

In Touch

Cover: “The Fight is On!”

Dueling Themes: Friendship / Revenge.

Sex promised/sex delivered: 6/7. Pretty juicy details about the “secret vendetta” Paris Hilton has against Jessica Simpson.

Star

Cover: “50 Sexiest Stars”

Dueling Themes: Sex / Death.

Sex promised/sex delivered: 9/9. “Romantic sex play is great and to be encouraged,” says Star of a photo in which a bug-eyed Kirstie Alley fellates a popsicle.

 



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