Regulars

Scanner

Pin it

 REGULARS


Crush of the Week

We’ve been wondering if we would be able to talk down a killer the way Atlanta hostage Ashley Smith did last weekend. The single mother and widow runs out to the store for cigarettes at 2:30 in the morning and ends up kidnapped by a wanted murderer and alleged rapist. Then, somehow in the course of the next seven hours, she manages to make him a pancake breakfast, convert him to Christianity and get him to bloodlessly surrender to the police. We suspect we wouldn’t have seen 2:33. And for that, she is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun
Quotes of the Week

“We hit a little bit of reality, hardcore, after the first three weeks. Before we got married we were on tour, and we were just like kids, ordering room service, saying, ‘Let’s go out tonight. Then, all of a sudden, you have this home, you have the kids [Federline’s children Kaleb and Kori], you have to get the diapers, get the dog to the vet. It’s this reality. Like omigod, I have to tell the maid to buy diapers and get the pool boy to walk the dog? Can’t I just make out with Kevin all the time? Being married sucks.” — Britney Spears

“She caught me staring, and fucking called me out on it: ‘You want these?'” — From the fakest missed connection ad of all time.

“The exterior is like a candy I give my fans . . . Mine, it’s an interior evolution, and if there are people who can’t see it then they need to look closer.” — Mexican pop star Gloria Trevi, just released from prison “after being acquitted of kidnapping, rape and corruption-of-minors charges.”

Photos of the Week

Sheryl Crow!

Pink Floyd’s sperm.

50 Cent kisses and makes up with the Game.

On a similar note, sports stars embrace a new alternative to butt-slapping.

Which of these things [on the subversive photo-search section of the Yahoo homepage] is not like the others?

From Our Inbox

“I figured that your readership would be interested in this as many of their parents likely suffer from dementia or other similar afflictions . . . The SnuggL’Up Pillow is a soothingly soft pillow that calms anyone. Invented by a mom in order to help her hyperactive child, SnuggL’Up’s silky, stretchy fabric gives it the perfect squeezability. Mom Sharon Weisman originally developed it as a cross between the feel of maternity shorts and a stuffed animal.”
On Our Bookshelf

Rodale vice chairwoman Maria Rodale and her daughter Maya co-wrote a racy self-help memoir packed with sex, drugs and wise words like, “We were made for pleasure and without it we get sick.”

“The borders between myth, medical, and marvel tend to blur in sex conversations, especially when the topic is the male gender’s greatest part of his physique. But the dust settles today as author Lords A. Leapin makes available his new book How To Be Smart With Your Part: A Guide For a Man on The Way Up.

Product Placement

You know you have a good job when interns leave stuff like this on your desk.

Pornstar Pets, the movie.

Royal Dragon Spray-On Fragrance is a “time-proven ancient Chinese formula” designed to “unleash the dragon.” You are supposed to “apply a thin layer to the penis two hours before intercourse” in order to “stimulate sexuality.” They sent us a press kit and sampler, so we dutifully conducted an experiment — that is, we sprayed the stuff on the press release and asked three women in our office what they thought it smelled like. Their responses: “Pam cooking spray” (Tobin); “stale booze, like a spilled martini, but with a hint of celery root” (Whitney); “a permanent marker” (Sarah). None of these women rushed to lick the piece of paper.

The Sinulator: “Do more than just watch.”

An antiseptic aftershave made of cow urine. Screw the Axe Effect.

In the last edition of Scanner we ran an item on the musical condom. Here’s a website listing songs the musical condom should play. The award for most tasteless? “Fixing a Hole.”

Truck Nuts.

Tabloid Fodder: The Sexual Fantasy Edition

People
Fantasy at work: Crazy, lusty Amazon.
People involved: Strange Love star Brigitte Nielsen and her fiancĂ©, “Mattia Dessi, 26, an Italian of indeterminate career.” Page 166.
Hot? Yes. She’s still married to her fourth husband and there’s a show currently airing about her romance with Flavor Flav, and there she is poolside in the Dominican Republic with this hot guy two feet shorter and fifteen years younger than she is.

Us Weekly
Fantasy at work: Slutty twins.
People involved: Britney / Christina. Page 20.
Hot? Kinda. They’re both sucking on lollipops.

In Touch
Fantasy at work: Ravisher / ravishee.
People involved: Fabio / random blonde model. Page 74.
Hot? Um, no, unless you’re hot for the Cryptkeeper.

Star
Fantasy at work: Cheerleader / pop star.
People involved: Lakers girl / Nick Lachey. Page 58.
Hot? In a kind-of-skeevy way, sure. The accompanying photo shows Nick’s wife blithely grocery shopping.

 

 


Scanner appears every Tuesday.
Research assistants: Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins, Kate Sullivan and Myung Joh.
Send tips to ada@nerve.com.

Previous Scanner

 

© 2005 Nerve.com, Inc.