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Crush of the Week

Bronx-born Idol contestant Mario Vazquez has hired Clay Aiken’s lawyer, cast aside his snappy performance ensembles, and left us for “personal reasons.” But we can’t get him out of our head. Mario simultaneously channels Stevie Wonder (“Do I Do” made our heart melt like margarine on a croissant) and Sally Field (he conveyed “You like me, you really like me!” without saying a single word: pure showbiz magic). So surely we haven’t seen the last of this sexually ambiguous prodigal with the immaculately-shaped eyebrows. The honey-voiced Gemini’s final song may have been a tender ballad, but it certainly wasn’t a goodbye. And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Matt Hickman
Quotes of the Week

“I’ve never been driven by the need to be with a lot of people.” — Mariah Carey embraces celibacy; nation breathes sigh of relief.

“I’ve got two penises but no wife, but I am hoping when I get rid of one of the penises I will get her back.” — A German man with quite a story to tell.

“When you’re in an open school and you work around kids, you need to put them first. In this case, I don’t think she did.” — A school superintendant in Camden, Ohio, speaking about a school police officer fired for having an L Word screensaver on her computer.

Best Headline: “Couple Sells Candles That Smell Like Jesus: Product Flying Off Shelves”

“I visited your website and don’t think that I would be able to contribute to your audience . . . The only thing I could offer is that emu oil is a great, all-natural sexual lubricant, not only for women that may need a little assistance, but for men to pleasure themselves with.” — A response to an interview request one of our interns sent to an emu farmer.

Fake Hamlet quote + ejaculating carrot + the phrase “superstar cum” = your standard college paper sex column.

“Lowndes pities the fool who has scented, turquoise water in their toilet. Elegant bathrooms have clear toilet water and, for that matter, no cushioned seat covers.” —  A tip from “UpDating: How to Date Out of Your League,” as related by the NY Post.

“Hello Drudge . . .I just wanted to let you know of the fear the liberal left has about a woman with power possessing Republican views.” — Playgirl editor-in-chief Michele Zipp’s letter to the Drudge Report about how she got fired for outing herself as a Republican. We totally buy that; Playgirl‘s so awesome that’s the only possible reason she could have been canned.

Photos of the Week

Bijou Phillips’ nipple.

David Spade’s ‘Owen Wilson’ nose on SNL.

How to make your finger look like an ass.

Meet the lovely Ska, now appearing on the Contortion Homepage.

We’re totally sucked into this narrative.

From Our Inbox

“We invite to link to’s exclusive video shoot of reigning supermodels Carmen Kass, Karolina Kurkova, Natalia Vodianova and five other Eastern European and Russian models . . . ‘We have beautiful skin, beautiful faces, and the Brazilians are finished,’ Euguenia Volodina tells Vanity Fair.” This is how international conflicts begin.
From Our Design Suggestion Box

“At the bottom of each of the gallery pages you should add an option for the next and prev page option for more fluid viewing. I would prefer to keep my hand [as] free as possible and having to continuosly [sic] scrool [sic] back up to the top or keep my hands occupide [sic] on a mouse does nothing to advance my entertainment viewing the photo gallary [sic].”
And Yet, Look How Fancy We Are!

Nerve is an ASME award finalist!!! (It’s like the Oscars for magazines.) Here’s what we’re up for:

GENERAL EXCELLENCE ONLINE:  This category recognizes outstanding magazine Internet sites, as well as online-only magazines and Weblogs that have a significant amount of original content. The award honors sites that reflect an outstanding level of interactivity, journalistic integrity, service and innovative visual presentation. 

The finalists are: The Atlantic Online,  BusinessWeek Online,,,

So if you were us, what would you wear to the awards luncheon? Something really slutty, right?

Product Placement

Special “I’m Saving It!” lingerie from “Wait Wear” promotes abstinence. What do you suppose the sincere-to-ironic sales ratio is?

The goddess of Willendorf, in chocolate.

A new Japanese chewing gum that uses extracts from this plant is said to enlarge breasts.

. . . And is not to be confused with this plant, known as “nipple fruit.”

Rent a German!

Tabloid Fodder

Radical paragon: Atlanta hostage Ashley Smith.
Radical act: Getting the alleged killer who kidnapped her to let her go.

Us Weekly
Radical paragon: Denise Richards.
Radical act: Throwing husband Charlie Sheen out of the house for gambling, even though she’s seven months pregnant.

In Touch
Radical paragon: Eva Longoria of Desperate Housewives.
Radical act: Kissing Maria Bravo in Carlita’s Secret and calling it “the most fun I’ve ever had kissing somebody.”

Radical paragon: Sarah Jessica Parker.
Radical act: That Gap ad where she sings the song “I Enjoy Being a Girl” and prances around in pink. Sure, it seems really retro and regressive, but according to Star, giggling your way through life is the key to being "genuinely bubbly and upbeat.”



Scanner appears every Tuesday.
Research assistants: Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins, Kate Sullivan, Matt Hickman and Myung Joh.
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